Tag Archives: chelsea

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Arrogance and Basketball

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, Latest, Tags: , , , ,

A is for Arrogance part 1

I LOVE an arrogant man. It stinks of an ambitious and able nature that this woman cannot help but admire. The unnerving self-belief is so attractive, so alluring that I’m often ready to tear their clothes off before we’ve gotten home. Make them alpha men too and that’s it. I’m theirs.

But and there is a big but here, they have to be able to back it up. There’s no point in swaggering around with your legs wide open like your balls are too big for your pants when you’re blessed with acorns. (hint, stop with the skinny jeans)

I had one boyfriend at university who gave it the big talk. A basketball player he was adored by a lot of women but, he asked me out.  I don’t actually remember us going on a date. He would just walk me to places on campus and call on the internal phone system. It was free. But I was happy enough. His talk was bombastic and he thought he was the bees knees. I couldn’t help but agree with him.

All the delicious things this man said he was going to do to me.  I was almost nervous the first time we had sex as I thought, what if I couldn’t handle all he had to offer? 9 minutes later I discovered I could. This included foreplay. He mumbled an apology. I hastened to salve the male ego and clearly did too good a job as he turned onto his side, head cocked up his arm and said “So, how do you like me now?”

[scratch record sound]

Was this fool serious? I should have fired him then and there but someone had told me that when you were in a relationship you had to kind of make these things work. So begrudgingly we carried on going out. That was a long month of missed lay ups and rebound shots.

On our month anniversary we went on a group picnic. It was a very large group and as the train took us up a steep mountain he suggested we came back to the train later to….explore. Clearly he had a thing for sex in public places.

Turns out he’d also told all of his friends that we would be on said train so they could cop a look. This is the part that annoys me. With an audience he was able to break the 10 minute mark a feat which up til now he’d never managed? His arrogance was such that he wanted to impress his boys more than he wanted to please me? I don’t think so. We parted company as soon as that train hit the bottom of that mountain. Don’t worry my precious, I already had my eye on a tasty footballer who went on to prove the superiority of footballers.

So I’m all for arrogance but you have to be able to back it up with actual performance. Or at least be able to bounce back when you’re having a bad quarter. Otherwise it’s game over.

© Chelsea Black A-sexy.

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I apologise

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, Latest, Tags: , , , ,

I Apologise

A is for Apology

So he creeps back into the bed thinking she is asleep and then her eyes pop open. The next morning he admits to having been with someone else and says….I’m sorry. And Halle Berry says “Yeah you’re sorry. You’re sorry and you’re tired” And I never ever get tired of that line in Boomerang.

I’m not sure when it became law that men couldn’t or wouldn’t control their sexual urges. That they are so overcome by the mere sight of delicious cleavage or sexiness they crash cars or walk into lampposts. I blame perfume adverts.

I’ve written about strangers touching you in the Butt Effect but I still don’t get it. Our bodies are part of our heritage but they don’t belong to everyone. I don’t see a member of the opposite sex and reach out and stroke his cock. Oh the time I could save if I did….but I digress.

The other night I was hosting a party and a guy I had met a few times grabbed my butt. I asked him to remove his hand and he said something along the lines of “Well what do you expect? I’m drunk and you’re wearing that.” As his friends encouraged him by laughing I walked away. I was too tired to explain why he was a twat and not even worthy of an explanation.

Sensing my displeasure (ie I didn’t talk to them for the rest of the night) he and his friend later came to apologise. And here is where I take umbrage at the male of the species. An apology doesn’t rectify what you did. Oh you need to know how to apologise because you WILL need to. Trust me. But an apology should be saved for when you forget something that you should have remembered like the anniversary of the day you first said I love you , in which case say it with flowers and jewellery. Or, that moment when she tells you, “Don’t stop I’m about to come!” and then you finish….prematurely.  Please note that this can only be used once every 6 months. An apology shouldn’t be used as a quick fix to your craven Neanderthal actions.

I’ve had time to think about it and this is how that scene should have played out. He grabs my butt and I turn into a female Katy Kuba heel wearing Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon, kick him into the wall then floor, rise like an angry budda (belly) into the air and land on him crushing his ribs. Of course I would never do this for fear of ruining my precious Katy Ks. As he writhed on the floor in agony I would lean over, really close and whisper…… “I’m sorry”.

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

Join me and @MissTeeOffical for In Bed with Chelsea on www.playvybz.com every  Wednesday 10pm  – Midnight.

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Ask and you shall receive

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, Latest, Tags: , , ,

A-Sexy A is for Ask

Before I begin I should make it clear that this is probably only my issue and maybe not one that most people have. That said I do think before you help yourself to someone’s body or belongings you should ask. Anal is just one example of some people just trying to help themselves to every orifice but we forget about asking to use stuff when you are visiting.

So here is the thing. That mug? The special mug with the special mug look about it on its own shelf and cupboard away from the other mugs? That’s not a mug for you to use. Besides juice and water shouldn’t be drunk out of mugs. No this is just another example of people getting too familiar with your space too soon. Just because we had sex and you saw me naked doesn’t make my belongings yours.

I dated a guy who dissed my space from the moment he first walked in. “It’s kind of small isn’t it?” he would say,  “Why don’t you live in the hood?” This was a guy who lived in Finchley Road which for those of you who aren’t familiar is hardly South Central LA. Then slowly as the relationship progressed I think he started to see some potential in my place. I think his lease was up. One day as he sat there sipping juice he said, “I could see my decks and records over there in the room” He had been round twice and suddenly he was moving in? Shouldn’t you ASK first?

I was mildly annoyed by that and the fact that he was a fairly selfish lover but that was nothing compared to the absolute rage when I saw the concert bought Superwoman Alicia Keys Mug precariously places on the side of the sink. I did my best not to get mad. Until that is I reached for the cranberry juice bought the day before to find it finished! What was that about? Needless to say he never saw me or the flat again.

Another  are those that use random towels and FACE CLOTHS to cool themselves down after a sweaty session without washing. Dude, that cloth goes on my face! Now despite a 95 degree wash I can still smell you every time I go to wash my face? That’s why I have wet wipes. And don’t even get me started on those that help themselves to your toothbrush. No one night stand is that good. Besides I have a spare. I’m a good hostess. This liberty taking is also the main reason I had to stop using soap. Oh the abuses those soap bars went through. Men and hair removal is an artform many are yet to learn.

So please I beg, just ask and you shall receive. Or else next time I’m gonna call the po po and have you hauled away for crimes against sex etiquette.

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

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