Tag Archives: chelsea

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Soho Screamer part 3 – Traffic People

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Categories: BLOG, Latest, Randoms, Tags: , , ,

fuchsia dress

So the dress that was taken in for DNA testing. It was fuchsia (not red PC Kent)  and was the one dress I knew I could rely on to cover Maxine my budda belly without being black. I loved that dress. Oh the adventures we have had with dress! It flatters without being slutty. A rare classy look for me. I usually go for transparently obvious. But Traffic People dress meant I didn’t need to.

In the face of winter fast approaching and me not having a winter coat I knew that my focus needed to be on finding a decent winter coat. But instead I got myself out of my self-pity bed and decided to go to the Traffic People shop on the Kings Road.

Let me explain. I wasn’t really leaving home as much as I normally would. I was stopping to let people pass me as I didn’t like men walking behind me. I really did start to think that every man was a threat. I didn’t like myself but I knew I had to start living normally. What better way than a trip up the Kings Road to restore my spirits. I think I was still in shock and I needed to do something to stop myself blaming myself for the incident. You know, reliving it and re-plotting my journey home. Maybe taking the offer of a shared taxi home etc. What can you do? It’s the minds way to try to control and rationalise these situations. But you just can’t.

So I went whistling as I walked only to find…the shop has closed down!

I didn’t know what to do my precious. I stood there for at least 5 minutes staring in disbelief at the shop. Was I going to burst into tears and cause a scene on the Kings Road?

Eventually I just turned and walked home. It wasn’t my week clearly. And why was I hunting for a dress that was at least 3 seasons old? I had to get over it and focus on getting a winter coat. England doesn’t play when it comes to cold. The rain warned me of cold times to come.

But thanks to Facebook I will always have the photos of Maxine and I in that dress. We sure had fun. And if I’m honest, the reason the attacker struggled with my dress is that it was a tad snugger in the hips than it should have been. Yeah all those haribos finally found a home.

I’ll have to save my therapeutic shop for another day. Apparently this is normal post trauma shock talking. The need to shop however is part of me. That hasn’t died. That will never die.

To fashion!

© Chelsea Black

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Positive lies men tell pt1

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , ,

I was inspired by @Leftysbetta to write the positive lies men tell. The lies we want to believe because we see them on TV and films and songs from the 90s and somewhere deep down we think this is what love is. I guess the sad part is that they are so convincing we do believe them even when we know he’s a liar. But here’s an idea. When he does say something that sounds too good to be true and you don’t think the relationship or actions leading up to it warrant such a declaration please check the following:

A)     Ask him how many women have he said this to. Chances are he’ll look earnestly at you or look hurt and say, “No one else. You’re my first.” No man is a Lying Virgin. If he admits to using it before but says, “But this time I mean it!” then chances are he’s more of an honest liar.

B)      Is he willing to put his feelings in writing? I said to an ex “you know what I love? Love letters and made him write all that stuff down.” Turned into a wish list of sexual fantasies so I knew he was lying, bless.  Chances are he’ll pull a strop /sulk at this point and blame you for ruining a beautiful moment. Flash some tittie and tell him to get over it. I bet he does, quickly.

C)      If you haven’t slept with him in a while this may be his method of getting you to drop the panties. Hold off for 24 hours if you are suspicious of his motives. See how sincere he is. Bet he goes home soon after said declaration to spank the money instead.

D)     If you are in bed then chances are he’s suffering an overwhelming endorphin rush which will subside. Ask him to say it again as he wrestles you for the remote control later.

Ok we all set? Next page for the top 15. If you have any others send them to me via @Chelseablack on twitter or through the comments. Let’s Go! click here

 

© Chelsea Black

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Spank dat ass

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, Latest, Tags: , ,

A is for: Ass vs Arse

This entry is as short as the word. My name is Chelsea and….. I can’t say ass. I can write it but whenever I try to say it my mouth stretches weirdly and I think of Shakespeare or donkey’s. So the words “spank that ass” are not part of my vocabulary. I’m sorry my precious but I’m flawed.

Enter Mr reality porn who was most upset when he kept asking me questions during a session and I wasn’t realistic enough in my responses. The worst crime apparently was my inability to say ass. Instead he would describe things he would want to do to it. I would roll my eyes in boredom and say yeah do it or the worse crime, I would call it an arse. It ruined it for him and made it hard for him to ….be in the moment. This is the weakest excuse I’ve ever heard for him coming and me not but, I understand the male ego is fragile and must be protected by any excuse necessary.

Now, I understand that we all have our fantasies and I’m all for getting into character but, I’m not an actress and my accents are awful. So you say tomayto and I say tomato. Unless you give me a script in advance this isn’t a debatable point. Just be happy that I’m not laughing you out of the room with your dodgy American accent and penchant for keeping on your socks. I hate that!

Happy Dirty Talking

©Chelsea Black A-Sexy

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