Let me start with a disclaimer. I love most of my male friends. Some have known me for years and have seen me at my best and my worst. Sorry to the male friend whose couch I threw up on. They keep me sane, spoil me with gifts and are great for straight talking whenever I’m about to drunken dial the latest unworthy suspect but, sometimes….they can get on my bloody nerves. And I’ll tell you for why (Bryn – Gavin and Stacey – voice)

The other day as I sat there wondering how it was that I was lumbered with the majority of the bill once again I came to two conclusions. 1) I have too many male friends. 2) Some have seemingly lost their friendship handbook and are starting to treat me like their step sister.

If you aren’t careful you can pick up useless parasites who are around for some free advice (buy a round once in a while dude, that’s all I ask!). Or worse boyfriend without sex but with all of the other stuff like, listening to their problems. Yes it must be hard that you are doing that many repetitions in the gym and yet….hold on, what? I don’t care that your gym routine isn’t giving you the abs you hoped for. You are men with the world at your feet. You don’t have problems, just situations. And I have no sympathy for those that like women who are either crazy or dramatic.

So straight male friends sometimes forget that we are women first and friends second.  If they have resolved in their heads that they are not going to sleep with you then they start treating you like….well, one of the boys! I don’t need to see that sort of mess of an apartment. This is not a good look my precious because you still have to put up with listening to him bleating on about women who are clearly using emotional manipulation to get him to buy her things. Who knew the male mind is so complex as to try to work out whether he should go for the girl who clearly wasn’t that into him. That was 4 hours of my life I will never get back.

The VBS (verbal bitch slap)

At some point they just plain forget that you’re a woman or they start to get insensitive. I’m not sure which is worse. I was chatting to one and he showed me photos of a friend of his who was soooo hot. I swooned as you do and started waxing lyrical about the things I could do to him. He then said, ‘Yeah but his girlfriend is really beautiful, no like, REALLY beautiful.’ This would normally be my cue to inform him that men don’t F**k pretty. No, they F**k available and fun and whatever they can get their hands on but pretty is not the defining factor. But instead I realised that he was saying she was prettier than me. Why the bitch slap moment, dude? That guy was hot though…excuse me. I need a moment.

This is a breach of the friendship code as any real friend will tell you. The indication that anyone is more attractive than you their friend is blasphemy.  I told another I was going on a blind date and he asked if I’d had my hair done. He’d seen me 2 days previously so clearly this was a suggestion as opposed to a genuine question.  Or the time he told me that I looked great in an outfit but that his girlfriend may not like it. What am I meant to turn into a spinster Deputy Head to appease her now?

There was one who spat in my coffee and only told me about it after I finished the coffee. I was being punished. But, I can’t lie. I deserved that. I was being a PMS bitch that day so we can laugh about it now. But you have to sleep with one eye open cos you never know when they’ll get in a cheeky spiteful or spit move. But few of them are true blue friendships where you consider them to be part of the family. I’ve just counted and I only have 3.5 of these. Yeah one is on is way out he just doesn’t know it yet.

I don’t fancy you!

So if you spend a lot of time with them people assume that you fancy them. I don’t really care about that but it’s when they start believing their own hype that I’m pissed off. Here is a quick checklist of knowing that I like you

1)      I drunken dial you singing karaoke songs from the 80s and 90s and then putting the phone down.

2)      I drunken dial you and say these words “I just think you are such an amazing, man. I want you”

3)      I sober dial you and tell you that I like you, let’s go out on a date

If I haven’t done any of these assume your penis is safe from my pink trimmed sheets ok? And stop ending exchanges with statements like. Thanks CB, you’re such a GOOD FRIEND. I know I’m good, it’s you I have doubts about.

And don’t believe your girlfriend who is convinced I like you either. She is projecting her insecurities onto our friendship. Love makes us all do stupid things but believing I want to get into your pants? Come on son, you know better.

Are we to blame?

Hmmm of course everything that is wrong with the world can somehow be blamed on a man from the absent father to the player to the waste man but I think there is even more of a problem when you are open about sex. They then think this is carte blanche for treating every topic as if you don’t care. As tom boy rock chick as I can be I’m not one to want to hear your views on my weight, looks, hair, latest crush etc.

I also don’t need to see you wanking on video call. You know who you are. That was the end of a beautiful friendship.

So you see my precious male friends aren’t always a good thing. You would be best spent hanging out with your girls who at least don’t cock block you from talking to the other men in the room. Yes let’s not forget that they are possessive. I have one friend who everyone is convinced I’m seeing despite him having a girlfriend. Turns out that’s because he eye growls at anyone who looks at me across the room. Talk about a major dating recession buzz killer. I had to tell him, I don’t have time to be blocked. Mama Black wants some grandkids!

Yes, as I write this I realise that I’m going to have to cull the number of male friends who don’t actually earn the title of friend. Put simply, with all these cock around how is my FuBo (Future Boyfriend) ever going to find room in my henhouse? Like the cluttered spare room I’ve been threatening to free from the wilderness for 4 years it is time to declutter the male friends list. Hmmm, this might take a while and if you don’t hear from me in 2012, Dude, it’s been emotional. Stay strong, stay black but please, don’t come back!

© Chelsea Black