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Leave Louis Walsh Alone

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OK so all over my timeline people have been bitching about Louis Walsh. I for one would like to stand up for Louis. He is just doing his job. Being Simon’s bitch isn’t easy but Louis does it year in year out with hardly a complaint except at how long Tulisa needs in makeup.  He is surrounded by younger and more inexperienced judges. He’s got to bitch. It’s all he’s got. Experience and bitchiness.

Louis is the old man in the office that knows the history of the place. He’s seen acts and judges go but somehow through redundancies and leadership changes he’s hung on. He knows who is shagging who and who will never sleep with him no matter how many weeks he keeps them in. Why is he there? Because everyone thinks that the place will fall apart without him.

And it would. Who else would be the one making stupid decisions with nary a care for anything but his pay check? Tulisa? She’s got her own failed solo career to contend with. She can’t afford to piss off middle England. Gary? Nah he’s got 10 mouths to feed. He’s supporting a family, Take That and a ‘mildly depressed that he’s not making hits like Angel anymore’ Robbie. Nicole Shwashwashwa? (Apologies, I can’t be bothered to google it) .No she has to think about ways to keep the boredom that is her relationship with Lewis interesting. I’m anticipating a breakup in week 7 or 8. Or a Kelly Rowlands style disappearance. Hmmmm she’s not creative our Nic.

But back to middle management Louis. Not even given Head Judge status. Why? Because nobody respects him. Everyone knows that he will keep the Irish lasses and the cute boys in with a flip “I loike yas. I think yous got potential.”  Thanks Louis. Still sticking to the lines. He’s the teacher who still follows his notes from 1985. He’s the guy at work that tells everyone what’s going to happen, predicting doom and gloom on anything that hasn’t been done before. Remember Marie who lost out to the Irish Nolans? Hmmmm, I barely do either. Louis saw to that.

Bitchiness is rewarded in Judges. Beat up a toilet attendant over an overpriced lollipop and watch your career fly. Blackberry blowjob and you’re named sexiest woman of the year.  Louis is just keeping the bitchy in there so that he can compete with the other girls. Gary is in a league of his own. This is why Mel B won’t be on it again. She was Senior management Bitchy. Louis will always be survival of the Kylie career style bitchy: not very talented but you’ve gotta give it to the old dog, he’s still there.

You’ve gotta love Louis.  He’s the one judge who over criticises when everyone else is being nice. Why? Because he can’t tell what is too much. And sometimes the ear piece he has connected to Simon’s arse is a little snug making him say random things like “You’ll never make it! You’ve not got what it takes. No one will vote for ya,” before realising that he was meant to put the 3 kids from Cork through. He is why most of you will switch back on and shout at the TV. That and the car crash that is fame whore Rylan. (Is this a mesh of Lee Ryan I wonder?)

Happy X factoring. Or in Rylan’s case sunbed factoring.

© Chelsea Black

I would like to point out that I haven’t actually watched X factor since Leona won so if Louis HAS gotten some new catchphrases be sure to send them to me.



Stop moaning Theo Walcott


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Stop moaning Theo Walcott

So this morning I wake up and twitter isn’t saying much so I decide to see what’s trending. And out pops Theo Walcott. I won’t lie my precious. He’s not my cuppa. Good footballer but he needs to grow some balls first. Or some facial hair. He’s too damn pretty. Apparently it’s not about the money but about the position he plays. We all want to be the glory seeker darling but someone has to play in goal as the fat kids on playgrounds everywhere learn quickly enough. He’s talking about wanting to stay at Arsenal and become a legend like Thierry Henry.

Please! Takes a moment or 20 to have her favourite Henry fantasy involving a pitch, some shorts and….yeah that’s about it.

We are just getting over the indulgent overly patriotic reporting on the Olympics. But this transfer crap reminded me of my own sports petulance of shame. As a youngster (not that many years ago thank you)  I was given netball trials for the county. They made me play WD instead of GD. The key is that GD is more prestigious than WD which isn’t allowed in the circle. As you know even now I don’t like to kept out of the action.  After a few games I started to cry. I hated this lowly position I had been given. How dare they not recognise my talent as GD. Some coach heard me out and allowed me to play the last game in GD and ….I wasn’t great. I was fast and could read the game but I didn’t have the height or build to contend with my GA partner. I went home thinking that at county level I was a great WD but as a GD I was only mediocre. I also learned that when it came to team sports you have to be able to put the ego aside and play for the team not for yourself. Luckily I made county but only by a whisker I can imagine. And all these hard life lessons at 11 years old.

So now when I read the back pages and I read about Cristiano pulling strops or players being quoted as pulling strops like Tevez because they want to leave the club I just get annoyed. You’re a footballer let your feet do the talking not your agent in the back pages . It demeans you as a player. I know that this all about building your brand and telling the club what your intentions are but can’t you do it over a starbucks coffee like the rest of us? Negotiations aren’t tabloid fodder. And if you do want to be a legend like Henry then learn to have some class Theo. And maybe some decent facial hair. I dunno. Something more than whining about where you play.

As for the money. Over it!

© Chelsea Black


What to expect when you’re expecting

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Film review: What to expect when you’re expecting

I swore to myself that I wouldn’t do it again and yet here I was hotdog in one hand, popcorn in a bag and water because I like to pretend that by not having the fizzy drink I’m really eliminating the other calories. My solo date is really about eating contraband food disguised as time away from the office.

Yes I had bought my ticket for What to expect when you’re expecting even though I had promised myself I wouldn’t do another ensemble cast / adapted from a self-help book movie. Was He’s not that into you and think like a man not painful enough? Don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day and that New Year’s Eve nonsense. I was done. Seriously no more.

But then I didn’t want to see Prometheus in 3D and I find going to see anything for kids by yourself just looks like you’re the paedophile on a grooming mission. Take a friend’s kid if you must but don’t go alone. Top Cat wasn’t an option.

Maybe I wanted to see a movie about the trials of impending parenthood. Afterall one day I will be one so it’s research, right. Yes I was sold. I was going to do this. I had never read the book so my expectations were already low.

I’ve had to take a break here as I try to think of something positive to say about this movie….

Ok so first of all there were way too many blondes. I’m not going to lie when they were sweating on the birthing beds they all looked the same to me. I was losing the plot. This wasn’t helped by the poor script which sounded like it was cut and paste from 4 other things we’ve all seen. Remember that scene where Samantha in Sex and the City gives a Cancer speech and takes her wig off? We have one of those epic ‘truth ‘ speeches.  But let’s go back

You had Jules (Cameron Diaz) and Evan (the teacher from Glee who is only slightly less annoying than he is in Glee but only slightly) who are the come dancing pair (With Tweedy chav Cole) as a judge. I knew then that this film and I weren’t going to get on.

Then there’s Holly and Alex (it hurts me that I remember these names!) who are J-Lo and her sometimes Latino accented husband. Never has an accent slipped in and out so much since Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman in Far and Away. They can’t have kids and the ones from Guatamala aren’t available anymore so they adopt from Africa instead because, why not? That’s what financially struggling Americans do apparently.

Then you have the young couple. I think I’m meant to know them from somewhere but I don’t watch Twilight so these two are completely wasted on me. A one night stand gone bad and a cheesy (pig) ending.

There’s Gary Cooper who used to be fat and his wife who have been trying for two years but then pregnancy comes and it’s harder than they thought. Gary’s dad, played by Dennis Quaid and his new wife born in 1986 were mildly amusing. Have I forgotten a blonde? Oh yes Miss 1986 is blonde.

So that’s your cast. I’m tired and bored already. You have the dudes group led by Chris Rock which meet in the park every Saturday with their kids to escape their wives and just parent without being judged. Nice cameo from Joe Manganiello, the guy who plays Alcide in True Blood. Finally, some real eye candy.

So the major problems were too many story lines trying to be funny or emotional and failing, too many blondes and way too many messages about how hard pregnancy and parenthood are. I think it was meant to be a comedy but it was bloody depressing. And then they got all schmaltzy about it. There was not a wet eye in that cinema.

My advice? This should have been straight to DVD and I love me some rom com so my standards aren’t exactly high. The tenuous links were trite and dull. Watch it at your own peril. I’m off to find someone to get pregnant from. Apparently drunken park sex or sex on a car will do it. That’s all I learned.

© Chelsea Black




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