A -sexy: B is for Big butt etiquette

So you’re a butt guy and you want to know how not to mess that up? You are going to have to learn to respect it without being an obvious arse licker (pun and pum intended)

1)      Do not keep telling her that the thing you love most about her is her butt. Even if it is. Unless she tells you that she has been working hard to get this kind of butt she doesn’t want to hear it. Stick to safe things like inner beauty, smile and erm, personality.

2)      Do not tell her that what attracted you to her first was her butt. It’s behind her dude she won’t get it. All she thinks is how hard it is to shop for clothes.

3)      Do not say. “What are you? A size 16 -18 UK? Your bum is MASSIVE!” and not think that world war 3 is not going to break up in here. Never ever guess above a 10 even if she is a 16. She’s has her own version of the size truth.

4)      If she ever asks you if her bum looks big in something you can either respond with an ‘I Don’t Know’ shrug or shut her up with a kiss. NEVER EVER answer this question. You aren’t qualified. She shouldn’t really be asking.

5)      If a woman walks towards you with the suspicious signs of bootyliciousness and you’re with your partner, punch yourself in the stomach or poke yourself in the eye but do not take your eyes off of your partner. Death will find you early. Or the sofa bed.

6)      Spooning is lovely. Warming your cock in her butt cheeks night after night with a satisfied sigh? A bit of a liberty, dude.

7)      Do not touch it without permission. EVER!!  Especially strangers or women you aren’t sleeping with that night. Exes this includes you. All privileges were revoked at breakup.

8)      Guys who approach from behind, have the decency to style it out by at least making eye contact during the conversation? And try to refrain from LL Cool J lip actions as you glance down. Now I know how big breasted women feel.

9)      When you’re hugging your curvy friend goodbye do not, I repeat do not use this as an opportunity to slide the hands to the curve of the spine. Hands in centre of the back please.

10)   Grazing is touching. Didn’t I tell you to stop that crap already?

11)   There is an attention ratio for the butt : rest of body time you should adhere to. For every 2 minutes spent on her butt that’s 1 minute on the rest of her body. Note this is NOT a butt: boob ratio. Come on guys, there are other parts of the body.

12)   If you are allowed to massage said area, try to keep the appreciative noises to a minimum. You think you’re showing your appreciation, we think you are showing a one track mind and ignoring the fact that that we said it was our back and shoulders that was sore.

13)   It’s not a cushion. Move your head.

14)   Don’t blame it on what we wear. Fancy dress costumes are not an excuse. I’m retiring my bunny costumes. Hazardous.

15)   There are other positions besides doggy. At least feign some sort of interest in other areas.

Happy bumming! Wait, no that didn’t sound right….Happy arse licking… forget it. Happy Friday!

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy