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Soho Screamer part 3 – Traffic People

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Categories: BLOG, Latest, Randoms, Tags: , , ,

So the dress that was taken in for DNA testing. It was fuchsia (not red PC Kent)  and was the one dress I knew I could rely on to cover Maxine my budda belly without being black. I loved that dress. Oh the adventures we have had with dress! It flatters without being slutty. A rare classy look for me. I usually go for transparently obvious. But Traffic People dress meant I didn’t need to.

In the face of winter fast approaching and me not having a winter coat I knew that my focus needed to be on finding a decent winter coat. But instead I got myself out of my self-pity bed and decided to go to the Traffic People shop on the Kings Road.

Let me explain. I wasn’t really leaving home as much as I normally would. I was stopping to let people pass me as I didn’t like men walking behind me. I really did start to think that every man was a threat. I didn’t like myself but I knew I had to start living normally. What better way than a trip up the Kings Road to restore my spirits. I think I was still in shock and I needed to do something to stop myself blaming myself for the incident. You know, reliving it and re-plotting my journey home. Maybe taking the offer of a shared taxi home etc. What can you do? It’s the minds way to try to control and rationalise these situations. But you just can’t.

So I went whistling as I walked only to find…the shop has closed down!

I didn’t know what to do my precious. I stood there for at least 5 minutes staring in disbelief at the shop. Was I going to burst into tears and cause a scene on the Kings Road?

Eventually I just turned and walked home. It wasn’t my week clearly. And why was I hunting for a dress that was at least 3 seasons old? I had to get over it and focus on getting a winter coat. England doesn’t play when it comes to cold. The rain warned me of cold times to come.

But thanks to Facebook I will always have the photos of Maxine and I in that dress. We sure had fun. And if I’m honest, the reason the attacker struggled with my dress is that it was a tad snugger in the hips than it should have been. Yeah all those haribos finally found a home.

I’ll have to save my therapeutic shop for another day. Apparently this is normal post trauma shock talking. The need to shop however is part of me. That hasn’t died. That will never die.

To fashion!

© Chelsea Black


Mr Drive-by


Categories: BLOG, DATING, Latest, Tags: , , , , ,

So earlier this year I was working at a place where I suspected a guy liked me. I wasn’t sure if I felt the same way. A few things. For someone who is always half a stone over her ideal weight I’m the worst sort of hypocrite: a bit of a fattist. I just can’t have anyone competing with me on the budda belly front and he made Maxine my budda belly look like Kylie’s butt in a South African market. Tiny.

Also there was his spelling and grammar. These are my bug bears. My counsellor and I worked on it. Well she tried to work on it and I just pretended to listen. I know it’s stupid but I really can’t deal with someone who spells words like Uncle wrong and has completely abandoned the use of commas and fullstops. It’s just a thing. I don’t want to have to think that forever and a day I can’t let that man near my future children’s homework for fear that they come home crying about a D they got because Daddy helped them. Yes I do think that far ahead.

Anyway my precious I digress. I didn’t hear from him for ages despite my psychic strongly suggesting that he was Fuhu. He just disappeared. This was the usual ‘I have other, better options’ type of disappearance. But then the other day I got a chat from him. It started off innocently enough just catching up and I duly responded trying not to wince at the 5 sentences that ran into each other. He suggested meeting up and I said that would be cool. At which point the conversation changed. I guess this was the green light he needed because he practically invited himself to my house. My house?

[Scratch Record]

Seriously I don’t understand this new phenomenon of just inviting yourself around to someone else’s house. It happened with Gold tooth who eventually agreed to a lunch but I shouldn’t be getting it again so soon from a guy who had never made a move previously. He told me that when we met it was going to be hot? Yes British Gas and I keep a warm home but he was never going to see the inside of it. I called him a joker.

It’s a shame because part of me was pleased that he was interested. I thought that at least my spider sensors were still working and I knew when I guy liked me. But it was ages since I’d seen him and I wasn’t really feeling the long disappearance but plenty of Facebook updates.   I was thinking of ways to let him down gently but I really didn’t have to.

He told me that he would be in my area this week and that I should give him my number and he’ll give me a call in the day. So, I was just going to be a drive by? And he had lost my number? What nonsense was this?  I can’t my precious. I’m just not that committed to listening to my therapist or my psychic I guess. This dating shop is truly closed to idiots try as they may.

Dating etiquette is truly dead. Serves me right for even considering someone from South London (I kid, a little)

Oh and, he’s still waiting for that number. I’m off to Kings Road to treat myself.

© Chelsea Black

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