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The Marriage Interview

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Categories: BLOG, DATING, Latest, Tags: , , , ,

The marriage interview

Africa Utopia was a great time. The South bank hosted events and I got to reconnect with some old friends from Africa and meet some new.

One such guy was sitting next to me at a feminism talk. I was getting out a business card for someone else and he asked for one. Fair enough. He was an African Journalist and no harm in us meeting for coffee as he suggested. The next day I got an email asking for coffee as he had read the blog and wanted to discuss it. A business meeting? I could do that.

We arranged to meet on the same day as the African Fashion Week London launch. As we met he said “You look sexy as per usual”. The dude has met me twice? Strange comment and not very business-like but as lots of women out there know men in meetings are often inappropriate.  The burden we bear. I ignore any sexual comments and focus on my rumbling stomach.

So we go to a Planet Organic and I order some curry which claims to have meat in it but just seems to be a lot of white kidney beans and brown rice. As I play hunt for the lamb he starts telling me about himself. It begins to sound like he’s interviewing for a position. I find a piece of lamb and smile. He takes this as encouragement. He tells me about his notoriety in his home town. It all starts to sound a bit too far removed from London for me but hey, we all come from somewhere. I get that he’s traditional in an African older man way and he reminds me of one of my uncles. Yes you know the ones.

Anyway he is closer to my Dad’s age than to mine, he has a child and he’s a Gemini. He lives in a part of London outside of my 45 minute dating zone and talks about money struggles. All of this wouldn’t matter if I fancied him but I thought this was a business meeting? But then he tells me that he wants kids, loads of them and that he wants to get married. Oh goodie, I could match him up with one of my older friends maybe?

I tell him how bad the food is (I had just found another piece of lamb but still) and he asks if I can cook. I tell him yes but that I don’t cook. I’m way too busy to bother. Then he says “Then you should marry me”

[scratch record] huh?

He says he doesn’t want to do it [cook] all the time but that I meet a lot of his criterion for a wife and that we should get into a relationship with a view to have kids together. Huh?

I say no. He asks why and I, not in the mood to explain the laws of sexual attraction tell him it’s because he’s a Gemini as was my ex husband. Besides my psychic was clear that I was going to marry a water sign and definitely not an air sign. He looks at me like I’m crazy. Good. He can’t argue with crazy AND a psychic prediction can he.  Besides I’m closer in age to his daughter than to him. Nah!

I learned a few things from this interaction

1)      Always check that there is a real business reason before setting out to East London for coffee

2)      If a guy buys you lunch chances are it’s not business.

3)      May be worth upgrading from Planet Organic

4)      Older men don’t date. They just don’t have the time anymore I guess?

5)      Your psychic can also be your best friend.

Luckily he’s taken the news well and now thinks I’m a bit too crazy to be the mother of his children which is fine by me. I just have to find a water sign who loves him some crazy cosmopolitan chick.

© Chelsea Black

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The Bachelor

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , ,

The Bachelor

Another beast we choose to ignore in the hopes that he will change his spots. Alas my precious it is not always to be. Some men are confirmed bachelors. Happy and content somehow we women see this as a challenge. With us he will be different. We will be the ones to break him and get him to give us his life of drinking out of the juice carton and leaving the toilet seat up. Do this at your peril Ladies as the Bachelor is committed; committed to himself and his lifestyle. Don’t believe the movies. They rarely change until they hit the age when they realise they may die alone and quickly marry a young thing with big boobs and no real expectations. The Bachelor is not to be confused with the bitter divorcé, the perpetual baby, or the bastard. The bachelor really doesn’t see the need in ever being in anything more than short relationships. Hours to months but rarely years. So here are the Bachelor signs:

What’s his living situation? If he’s of a certain age and happy living at home or with housemates with mention of ever moving this is not a good sign. Has he even lived with a woman before? Normally you can tell as they may be a little better housetrained. Does he always come to yours and keeps his space to himself? The sacred Bat Cave…hmmm it’s not looking good is it?

Has he even been close to marriage before? I mean engaged or a relationship for years? Something tells me he hasn’t been sitting in that bedsit waiting for you to turn up and make him realise what he’s been missing all of his life. He has a big screen TV (trust me) he’s seen the sitcoms and soaps. A relationship isn’t a new concept. It’s just not one that he wants any part in. He loves the sex mind.

What is he telling you? Most talk about all the plans they have and you’re thinking ooooh he’s so ambitious but usually those plans do not include you. It’s the boys’ trip to the world cup in South Africa that should have been my clue. He was talking about it in 2007 and was all excited. The precision and focus he put into that one trip and every ski trip he planned was evidence that when motivated he could plan. This didn’t translate to our dates to Nandos.

Does he say he wants out? Most do but being men they can’t just say it so they say:

  • ‘I need to clear my head for a while’…then you’ll see photos of him out on the lash on Facebook or him flirting hard on Twitter.
  • ‘I like things the way they are. It’s nice to hang out once in a while.’ That means him living in Kent and you living in London is somehow the best situation for him
  •  ‘My Uncle John is my role model he’s the dogs Bollocks.’ Uncle John is the dirty old perv at weddings with the need to look with his hands and has never married.
  • ‘What’s the point in Marriage? It’s just a piece of paper.’
  • My mate Paul is getting married. Stupid sod. He only went and got her pregnant’ meaning there would be no other reason for a sad person to get married but the condom to have failed (probably because it was still in his wallet)

These are all signs that relationship is not on his mind. Yes that’s right Marriage is not on his menu. Move on!

© Chelsea Black

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He’s my boyfriend

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, DATING TIPS, Latest, Recent Posts, Tags:

WIKI: A boyfriend is a person’s regular male companion in a romantic and/ or sexual relationship,[1] although normally not in long-term committed (e.g. marital) relationships, where other titles (e.g. husband, partner) are more commonly used.

When I was a school girl this is all we talked about. To be able to give that poor unsuspecting spotty kid from the school disco the title of boyfriend. Oh those were the days when minorities had to stick together. I always had to dance with the ginger kid as there were no other black kids in the boys school. Luckily this was before digital photography or indeed cellular phones.

But now in my 30s I question this title of boyfriend. Is that a title any of us want to use or have we stepped it up and are looking for Husbands? I know we can fudge things and call them partners now in a Guardian reader /Liberalism which I think is a thinly vieled attempt to create some mystery as to whether or not said partner is male or female. Some people will do anything to appear more interesting than they are. You’re Heterosexuals! Get over yourselves

My last boyfriend was clear that he wanted to be a husband. He was too old to be anyone’s husband. This pleased me; a man who wasn’t just in it for the convenience but saw that there was another level in our relationship. In fact he was so anxious not to be labelled anyone’s boyfriend that he was a fiancé or partner to a number of women across the world. His commitment to us all was global and stretched across the African Diaspora and 3 American states. Wait…. 4.

I know men who have been boyfriends for years without ever indicating that this will evolve into more. Why waste someone’s time like that especially if she is of child bearing age and wants children? Because they can. We allow them without getting a proper indication of commitment for fear of chasing them away.  Be careful my precious of those who are a little too quick to slap the boyfriend label on himself. He could be stuck in this phase and not looking to be anything more ever!

The other issue is that awkward few months when you’re going out but haven’t had the exclusivity or where is this going chat. My rule is this: if he hasn’t indicated within 3 months that he would like exclusivity and within a further 3 months that he is your boyfriend grab your purse and run. You have a timewaster on your hands and not the til death do us part ‘notebook’ types.

So I’m not sure that I will be using the word boyfriend even if I get one. It just sounds so teenage angst. Ooooh reminds me, must buy the Dawson Creek Box set.

© Chelsea Black

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