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Mr Drive-by


Categories: BLOG, DATING, Latest, Tags: , , , , ,

So earlier this year I was working at a place where I suspected a guy liked me. I wasn’t sure if I felt the same way. A few things. For someone who is always half a stone over her ideal weight I’m the worst sort of hypocrite: a bit of a fattist. I just can’t have anyone competing with me on the budda belly front and he made Maxine my budda belly look like Kylie’s butt in a South African market. Tiny.

Also there was his spelling and grammar. These are my bug bears. My counsellor and I worked on it. Well she tried to work on it and I just pretended to listen. I know it’s stupid but I really can’t deal with someone who spells words like Uncle wrong and has completely abandoned the use of commas and fullstops. It’s just a thing. I don’t want to have to think that forever and a day I can’t let that man near my future children’s homework for fear that they come home crying about a D they got because Daddy helped them. Yes I do think that far ahead.

Anyway my precious I digress. I didn’t hear from him for ages despite my psychic strongly suggesting that he was Fuhu. He just disappeared. This was the usual ‘I have other, better options’ type of disappearance. But then the other day I got a chat from him. It started off innocently enough just catching up and I duly responded trying not to wince at the 5 sentences that ran into each other. He suggested meeting up and I said that would be cool. At which point the conversation changed. I guess this was the green light he needed because he practically invited himself to my house. My house?

[Scratch Record]

Seriously I don’t understand this new phenomenon of just inviting yourself around to someone else’s house. It happened with Gold tooth who eventually agreed to a lunch but I shouldn’t be getting it again so soon from a guy who had never made a move previously. He told me that when we met it was going to be hot? Yes British Gas and I keep a warm home but he was never going to see the inside of it. I called him a joker.

It’s a shame because part of me was pleased that he was interested. I thought that at least my spider sensors were still working and I knew when I guy liked me. But it was ages since I’d seen him and I wasn’t really feeling the long disappearance but plenty of Facebook updates.   I was thinking of ways to let him down gently but I really didn’t have to.

He told me that he would be in my area this week and that I should give him my number and he’ll give me a call in the day. So, I was just going to be a drive by? And he had lost my number? What nonsense was this?  I can’t my precious. I’m just not that committed to listening to my therapist or my psychic I guess. This dating shop is truly closed to idiots try as they may.

Dating etiquette is truly dead. Serves me right for even considering someone from South London (I kid, a little)

Oh and, he’s still waiting for that number. I’m off to Kings Road to treat myself.

© Chelsea Black


The Marriage Interview

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Categories: BLOG, DATING, Latest, Tags: , , , ,

The marriage interview

Africa Utopia was a great time. The South bank hosted events and I got to reconnect with some old friends from Africa and meet some new.

One such guy was sitting next to me at a feminism talk. I was getting out a business card for someone else and he asked for one. Fair enough. He was an African Journalist and no harm in us meeting for coffee as he suggested. The next day I got an email asking for coffee as he had read the blog and wanted to discuss it. A business meeting? I could do that.

We arranged to meet on the same day as the African Fashion Week London launch. As we met he said “You look sexy as per usual”. The dude has met me twice? Strange comment and not very business-like but as lots of women out there know men in meetings are often inappropriate.  The burden we bear. I ignore any sexual comments and focus on my rumbling stomach.

So we go to a Planet Organic and I order some curry which claims to have meat in it but just seems to be a lot of white kidney beans and brown rice. As I play hunt for the lamb he starts telling me about himself. It begins to sound like he’s interviewing for a position. I find a piece of lamb and smile. He takes this as encouragement. He tells me about his notoriety in his home town. It all starts to sound a bit too far removed from London for me but hey, we all come from somewhere. I get that he’s traditional in an African older man way and he reminds me of one of my uncles. Yes you know the ones.

Anyway he is closer to my Dad’s age than to mine, he has a child and he’s a Gemini. He lives in a part of London outside of my 45 minute dating zone and talks about money struggles. All of this wouldn’t matter if I fancied him but I thought this was a business meeting? But then he tells me that he wants kids, loads of them and that he wants to get married. Oh goodie, I could match him up with one of my older friends maybe?

I tell him how bad the food is (I had just found another piece of lamb but still) and he asks if I can cook. I tell him yes but that I don’t cook. I’m way too busy to bother. Then he says “Then you should marry me”

[scratch record] huh?

He says he doesn’t want to do it [cook] all the time but that I meet a lot of his criterion for a wife and that we should get into a relationship with a view to have kids together. Huh?

I say no. He asks why and I, not in the mood to explain the laws of sexual attraction tell him it’s because he’s a Gemini as was my ex husband. Besides my psychic was clear that I was going to marry a water sign and definitely not an air sign. He looks at me like I’m crazy. Good. He can’t argue with crazy AND a psychic prediction can he.  Besides I’m closer in age to his daughter than to him. Nah!

I learned a few things from this interaction

1)      Always check that there is a real business reason before setting out to East London for coffee

2)      If a guy buys you lunch chances are it’s not business.

3)      May be worth upgrading from Planet Organic

4)      Older men don’t date. They just don’t have the time anymore I guess?

5)      Your psychic can also be your best friend.

Luckily he’s taken the news well and now thinks I’m a bit too crazy to be the mother of his children which is fine by me. I just have to find a water sign who loves him some crazy cosmopolitan chick.

© Chelsea Black



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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , , ,

A-Sexy: A is for Angry sex part 2

The other kind of angry sex is the sort of angry sex some men perform when they are trying to angry fuck to someone else who hurt them. This is the repressed non-consensual angry sex not to be confused with makeup sex.  The thing is I’m a firm believer that sexual baggage should be left outside the bedroom door. How on earth is one meant to enjoy themselves when your goal is to punish them for crimes someone else committed? And how are we to know what you’re so angry about? Anything can be a trigger.

Unfortunately my precious this is the sort of sex where no matter how romantic the build up afterwards you realise that you were just a means to an end so it’s hard to feel good about it. You are just a vessel for him to pour all of his venom and frustration .

It usually occurs early in a dating relationship and the element of surprise is what can prove dangerous. As my Brown Owl said before expelling me, “Always be prepared.” New sex is potentially angry sex. If he is a little smooth he will hold back on angry sex on round one. But those that are still caught in the dramas of their previous relationships have no such restraint.

I was with a guy who presented as normal and balanced. He was a bit of an idiot but then, nobody is perfect. As he stirred the dinner he was cooking though he mentioned his ex, gripping the wooden spoon a little too aggressively and ….the look on his face should have told me that, well he wasn’t quite over it. But, I had my overnight bag and so many people still seem a tad bitter about their exes. Breakups (see B) shouldn’t be this bloody bitter, surely?

As I rode to work the next day I realised that he hadn’t been having sex with me at all the night before. Instead he was exorcising his demons on my poor, slightly tender body.  My thing is that they get to dump all of their negative emotions on us and walk away feeling lighter whilst we are left reeling and heavy. But the clues now that I think on it are simple. If he does any of the following please my precious grab your purse and run, you’re about to be angry fucked.

When he spanks you he grits his teeth and growls. If he becomes beastlike then why are you still there? RUN!!

  • When you indicate that something is painful he seems dazed and confused and mutters a half hearted sorry  but continues to do it.
  • He talks about all women being bitches or his ex being a bitch more than one and without apology.
  •  He mentions the ex and his hands fist up and he clenches his jaw.
  • He calls you by her name when you’re in bed. That said this could just be a genuine ‘caught in the moment’ error but if you’re not enjoying it use it as an excuse to leave.

Happy sexing!

© Chelsea Black

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