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My Bra bubble burst

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, Health and Fitness, Latest, Tags: ,

A-Sexy B is for Bra

So for a long time I lived a lie. I thought I was a 34B and happily went around telling people that I was the average size for women. I don’t know why this was so important but I think  too much Just 17, Mizz,  More and girl’s only schools had made me competitive. Oh, I never wanted to be big. I played sport, wouldn’t they just get in the way? Besides, I had a bottom to contend with in a world where bottoms were NOT fashionable. Yes my precious, this was BJL (Before J-Lo)

Then, out shopping with a male friend I was harassed by a woman into getting measured in a department store. Maybe they were running a promotion but the woman was insistent. This was in South Africa at a time where older women were allowed not to attend customer’s service training. They all think they’re your aunties so I wasn’t about to get into one with her. I politely told her that I knew my bra size and didn’t need her services but she wasn’t having it. My friend looked on as this woman manhandled me on the shop floor with a tape measure, cold hands and a steely determination.  I finally gave up the desire to wrestle. She had at least 40 kgs on me.

Then she shouted across the shop floor “Patience, bring me out the 32s rack from the back!” What the F*ck?

First of all I was reeling from this devastating news?  I wasn’t the teen magazine holy grail of a 34? (Now of course I’m ecstatic at this news.) And secondly, the 32s weren’t even good enough to make it onto the shop floor? What were they trying to say to women like me by keeping then in the back? That we didn’t measure up. And shouldn’t they take you to somewhere private before breaking this news to you? Not shout it across the shop floor?

As my so called friend laughed on I should have suggested we go take a turn in the men’s department and get his inside leg measured. But instead my whole body image shifted as I realised…I would never make page 3 of any national newspaper. Unless of course they start doing a bottom page but logically that would have to be near the back of the paper. Like, maybe page 43. Not quite the same ring to it does it?

Hmmmm, maybe I should give Maxim a call?

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy



I apologise


Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , , ,

I Apologise

A is for Apology

So he creeps back into the bed thinking she is asleep and then her eyes pop open. The next morning he admits to having been with someone else and says….I’m sorry. And Halle Berry says “Yeah you’re sorry. You’re sorry and you’re tired” And I never ever get tired of that line in Boomerang.

I’m not sure when it became law that men couldn’t or wouldn’t control their sexual urges. That they are so overcome by the mere sight of delicious cleavage or sexiness they crash cars or walk into lampposts. I blame perfume adverts.

I’ve written about strangers touching you in the Butt Effect but I still don’t get it. Our bodies are part of our heritage but they don’t belong to everyone. I don’t see a member of the opposite sex and reach out and stroke his cock. Oh the time I could save if I did….but I digress.

The other night I was hosting a party and a guy I had met a few times grabbed my butt. I asked him to remove his hand and he said something along the lines of “Well what do you expect? I’m drunk and you’re wearing that.” As his friends encouraged him by laughing I walked away. I was too tired to explain why he was a twat and not even worthy of an explanation.

Sensing my displeasure (ie I didn’t talk to them for the rest of the night) he and his friend later came to apologise. And here is where I take umbrage at the male of the species. An apology doesn’t rectify what you did. Oh you need to know how to apologise because you WILL need to. Trust me. But an apology should be saved for when you forget something that you should have remembered like the anniversary of the day you first said I love you , in which case say it with flowers and jewellery. Or, that moment when she tells you, “Don’t stop I’m about to come!” and then you finish….prematurely.  Please note that this can only be used once every 6 months. An apology shouldn’t be used as a quick fix to your craven Neanderthal actions.

I’ve had time to think about it and this is how that scene should have played out. He grabs my butt and I turn into a female Katy Kuba heel wearing Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon, kick him into the wall then floor, rise like an angry budda (belly) into the air and land on him crushing his ribs. Of course I would never do this for fear of ruining my precious Katy Ks. As he writhed on the floor in agony I would lean over, really close and whisper…… “I’m sorry”.

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

Join me and @MissTeeOffical for In Bed with Chelsea on www.playvybz.com every  Wednesday 10pm  – Midnight.


Ask and you shall receive


Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , ,

A-Sexy A is for Ask

Before I begin I should make it clear that this is probably only my issue and maybe not one that most people have. That said I do think before you help yourself to someone’s body or belongings you should ask. Anal is just one example of some people just trying to help themselves to every orifice but we forget about asking to use stuff when you are visiting.

So here is the thing. That mug? The special mug with the special mug look about it on its own shelf and cupboard away from the other mugs? That’s not a mug for you to use. Besides juice and water shouldn’t be drunk out of mugs. No this is just another example of people getting too familiar with your space too soon. Just because we had sex and you saw me naked doesn’t make my belongings yours.

I dated a guy who dissed my space from the moment he first walked in. “It’s kind of small isn’t it?” he would say,  “Why don’t you live in the hood?” This was a guy who lived in Finchley Road which for those of you who aren’t familiar is hardly South Central LA. Then slowly as the relationship progressed I think he started to see some potential in my place. I think his lease was up. One day as he sat there sipping juice he said, “I could see my decks and records over there in the room” He had been round twice and suddenly he was moving in? Shouldn’t you ASK first?

I was mildly annoyed by that and the fact that he was a fairly selfish lover but that was nothing compared to the absolute rage when I saw the concert bought Superwoman Alicia Keys Mug precariously places on the side of the sink. I did my best not to get mad. Until that is I reached for the cranberry juice bought the day before to find it finished! What was that about? Needless to say he never saw me or the flat again.

Another  are those that use random towels and FACE CLOTHS to cool themselves down after a sweaty session without washing. Dude, that cloth goes on my face! Now despite a 95 degree wash I can still smell you every time I go to wash my face? That’s why I have wet wipes. And don’t even get me started on those that help themselves to your toothbrush. No one night stand is that good. Besides I have a spare. I’m a good hostess. This liberty taking is also the main reason I had to stop using soap. Oh the abuses those soap bars went through. Men and hair removal is an artform many are yet to learn.

So please I beg, just ask and you shall receive. Or else next time I’m gonna call the po po and have you hauled away for crimes against sex etiquette.

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

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