Tag Archives: afro-caribbean

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The resolutions

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Recommends, Tags: , , , , ,

Every year I made the same 3 resolutions: lose weight, get into a meaningful relationship and buy lots of heels. I know my precious, there was little sign of any weight loss and there had been a few dates but none that were worthy of a permanent toothbrush. I bought myself a pair of red Carvela heels from Kurt Geiger so I figured I was winning. What was a girl to do?

I decided to start with the exercise programme as chocolate and champagne were becoming constant companions. I went online and an hour later fearing a call from my bank manager I logged off and waited patiently for the pink fleecy outfits to arrive. And arrive they did. I can’t deny they all looked really cute on but, none of them made it outside. It was just too bloody cold! Maybe I should have bought an exercise DVD instead?

As January dragged along with everyone complaining about the cold I knew that jogging wasn’t going to work for me. So I was left with one resolution to tackle. That of the meaningful relationship. Don’t get me wrong I’m always in relationships. It is just that they aren’t always in relationships with me …..or just me. And sometimes the relationships are virtual or ….in my head. It’s all about timing, location and my imagination really. It was  time to get serious and find someone to lust over who would lust equally back.

I had divorced internet dating after some incidents on some sites which involved men perverting the dating process and then it hit me that the only one that hadn’t failed miserably was eHarmony. I remember joining eHarmony a few years ago, spending ages filling in a personality form (something I love doing – answering questions about myself) and then waiting to see who they thought would be a match for me.

They sent me my first match and as his photo slowly loaded up I realised that darn it I already knew him! They sent a few more and of 5 I knew 2 I real life. I figured they weren’t doing too badly here but then black London is pretty small. I quickly lost interest in internet dating as I was on way too many sites at once and went back to what I do best; moaning about being in a #datingrecession.

So fast forward to 3 years later and a chance encounter with one of those eHarmony matches showed me that maybe there was more to this personality matching then I had first realised?  We tripped and fell into each other. What can I say, there’s no such thing as an accident and they were right we were a match. Just more of a one night match than a permanent one.

Curious I facebooked eHarmony and came across a mini questionnaire to work out what sort of dates you should be going out on. I was a little sceptical but then I looked at the prizes. Wine tasting, spa or bootcamp…I filled in the questions and prayed for the wine tasting or the spa. Both were opportunities to relax and get drunk. Can’t say fairer that that!

But alas I got…the bootcamp. And then I realised that this was not my opportunity to find a meaningful relationship. Instead this was the opportunity to kick start my exercise regime and use that luscious pink exercise gear I had purchased. But the key thing is that I needed to try something different. Cos after 6 years of resolutions I was still making the same ones every year. And who knows…maybe I’ll give the website a go again. You never know who else I may fall into right? Regents Park Bootcamp here I come!

 

To enter the eHarmony competition go to http://www.experience2012.info Good Luck

© Chelsea Black

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The virtual dick

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Categories: Misadventures, Read More, Sex, Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

We met on one of those adult friend sites. I know my precious, but, he was hot. He told me he was well hung and sent text pictures to validate his claims. Oh, and he was African. I really couldn’t ask for more from a potential friend with benefits.

But then he insisted that I wasn’t to fall in love. Apparently every woman he met fell in love with him. The arrogance of the man. Didn’t he realise that not all women are looking for love from every man we meet? No, we quickly decide if you are friend, fuck or future

I assured him that I would fight any love based urges and so we arranged to meet. On the day I waited for the confirmation text / call / facebook message but I didn’t hear from him. Had I been virtually stood up? Later that night he sent me a message saying that his friend had cancer and he had been in the hospital with her all day as she was dying.

Now, I’m no medical expert but something about this didn’t ring true. What he didn’t know was that I talked to a lot of people so when he told me more about his friend I corroborated his story with doctors and pharmacists who told me that the worst thing his friend had was the flu or food poisoning. I deleted him immediately cursing myself for falling for a smile and a big dick….again.

But then a year later and I had forgotten how ridiculously he had lied. Debating as to whether or not I should believe him when the friend request came in I saw that smile and caved. I mean really, who would fuck with karma so much and make up The Big C to get out of a date? Maybe he had been confused. And so my precious I began the dance of the penis text messages and late night flirtations.

We agreed to meet again and I figured surely even he wouldn’t be rude enough to cancel on me twice. We were practically friends. Well, we had 245 mutual friends!

But alas, this guy is surrounded by ill health as he again missed our date without explanation and later told me that …..his dog was ill and he had to rush her to the vet. I suspect that like his friend with Cancer his dog had a mysterious 24 hour ailment that would clear up the next day.

Now I’m no veterinary expert but I’ve studied men and realised that whilst he loved flirting online he clearly wasn’t going to come out from behind the safety of his phone. Either that or his girlfriend / partner / wife wouldn’t let him out to play. What ever happened to saying you had to work late?

But never trust a man who doesn’t believe in the power of karma my precious. Or a guy who sends you photos of his dick. No matter how big.

Smooches

© Chelsea Black

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Flying without wings

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Categories: Misadventures, Read More, Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes the joy of internet dating is like the joy of eating out. Sometimes you want a good home cook meal that someone else has cooked or a fancy restaurant and sometimes you just want a take away. You know it’s not going to be that good for you but it’s filling and you can’t be bothered to cook for yourself.  Quite often I just can’t be bothered to cook for myself some nights.

So one night feeling unlike cooking I jumped online and found something that looked good and sounded reasonably healthy too. 36, lived alone and had never been married so wasn’t nursing a divorce hangover. We’d spoken before and he suggested that I come round that night for dinner. His profile said London but it was actually Romford. I figured why not when he offered to pay for the taxis. Arriving I tried to ignore his body which was considerably more out of shape than the photos suggested and we talked. He seemed interesting if a little more nervous and reserved than I had imagined. He revealed that he had been a club owner and best friends with the members of a boy band I loved.

OMG my chance to finally meet them was closer than I’d ever imagined! At first I was intrigued but as he ordered pizza (what’s with men and pizza?) his story became a sad tale of a luxury lifestyle lost and a drinking problem he was still battling. I was disappointed to hear that part of his 12 step programme was to cut himself off from that life and work for his brother instead who when I quizzed him couldn’t sing.

After pizza the sex was…….awkward. He seemed to need to concentrate a bit too much and couldn’t relax. It turns out that he hadn’t had much sober sex and he was still learning how to do it. I realised that I was going to have to endure it as I didn’t think suggesting we pop to the local off license was going to be well received. So I lay back and ran through my favourite boy band members and before you could say New Kids On The Block, it was over.

Satisfied I turned to sleep but then he reached across the bed and brought out a dodgy back massager. Maybe he had pulled something mid stride but no he wanted to massage me with a back massage but ……not on my back. He had read that all women like toys. Surely toys aren’t for the fainthearted and should only be used by those who have mastered the basic techniques? So I did what any self-respecting woman would do and I faked it so that I could go to sleep.

I left early the next day with promises of calling soon but, not only is Romford too far for this chick to trek but he had killed a boy band dream. Besides I think I pulled something trying to fake it for the back massager.

© Chelsea Black

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