A few months ago there was a post on Facebook about sweetcorn express. Sweetcorn that you could heat in 1 minute. We were all confused. What was wrong with tinned sweetcorn that we needed microwavable packs? I do love sweetcorn but it’s not that serious. It’s an addition to something like chicken or tuna when you need to bulk it and give it some crunch. Let’s not make it a main meal, people. It’s just sweetcorn. It’s not creamed or ground or on the cob it’s loose kernels of tastiness but definitely a side. I say all of this after a recent sweetcorn related incident.

The latest Side Dsweetcornick invited himself over one Saturday evening. I was all set to go shopping when I thought, no. Chelsea were playing at home and I don’t like leaving my house post matches. Chelsea fans are ultimately still Millwall fans with a bit more money. Too risky. So basically apart from some Girl Scout cookies, 2 plantains and some Jacob’s crackers the house was food free. I text Side Dick and told him he’d need to bring milk for tea (being dairy free) and food. He asked me what he should bring which already pissed me off. You can’t show some initiative? So I told him that I wasn’t overly hungry but he should bring whatever. He said he was on it.

Plus, he’s already running late so I’m not impressed. I hate lateness. Over 30 minutes and then you give me some sat nav excuse like it’s 2005? But it’s hard to find take away in London I guess (American readers this is sarcasm) and maybe they’re making him wait while he orders because he didn’t have the foresight to phone ahead. I breathe and get on with spider solitaire.

So Side Dick arrives with sweetcorn 2a Tesco’s bag…..and it’s not full. Huh? I ask him what he brought and he proudly dips into the bag revealing soya milk and…..a tin of sweetcorn. Now, I love me some masterchef and even ready steady cook but there are usually a few more ingredients than just a tin of sweetcorn!

I ask him what I’m supposed to do with it. He says we can share it. He then says that I won’t gain weight because sweetcorn goes in the way it goes out so…..So now my weight is something he’s watching?

I don’t know what to think. I swear I’m being punk’d. I ask him about it later waiting for him to tell me that it’s all a big joke. He’s not smiling. I ask him if he’s expecting me to have tuna or pepper or something to add to the sweetcorn and he says no, it’s to keep our energy up later. So it’s an energy food? Er…..He’s actually proud that he remembered that I don’t drink milk.

So ignoring the sweetcorn we eat Girl Scsweetcorn 3out cookies before getting down to the main meal and, exactly 2 and a half minutes later, dude is done. I was generous and said 3 minutes but he says it was less. First rounds can be hit and miss and he’s a young’un so I’m not going to sweat it. Hell, neither of us broke a sweat. I assume that we’ll just go longer the next time but, no, he’s passed out on the sofa snoring. He wakes up and I’m furiously on my phone looking for an alternative plan at 3am. Surely this is the bit where he’s meant to make sure I’m satisfied before he leaves, right? But no, instead he puts his clothes on, I give him back his tin of sweetcorn and we say goodbye. He mumbles something about wanting this to be a regular thing and I just can’t see how that would work?

A girl can’t live on a tin of sweetcorn alone. I’m done.

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups