So you’ve got the man. God knows how you tricked him into thinking you’re not crazy but well done. Take a bow. And you are feeling all smug and neglect all your single friends until you have a relationship problem. Big mistake my precious because we know how to handle your crazy and neurosis whereas he is yet to manage the head fall of broken biscuits that is so many women. So take a bow. But don’t rest on your laurels because there are still some questions you ask that just aren’t necessary. They are kryptonite to the male of the species.
1) Do I look fat in this?
Chick you have a mirror. You have two and you know that you haven’t been a size 8 since the last millennium. He cannot win here because all he is thinking is how long will I take to break into that outfit. He is calculating in seconds not in calories consumed the night before. If in doubt slap on some control tops and keep stepping. Or, weird thought, buy clothes in your own size? I’m guilty of buying clothes to slim into because it was on sale. I just refuse to have certain sizes in my wardrobe talking to the other sizes and telling them all sorts of stories about fun nights out where they wouldn’t get stretched.
If he says yes you look fat then there can be tears, accusations of not loving you for you and talk of the fat gene. If he says no then you go out and a woman says it’s not the most flattering ensemble then…it’s an even bigger fail.
My answer is that if you have to ask then chances are you look fat. Go back and change into something else and leave the man alone. His anxiety levels just rose to say something stupid because of you and your lose lose question. Send a photo to your friend on your phone for an honest answer
2) Where do you see our relationship going?
So I have a problem with that book ‘act like a lady think like a man’. It should be called ‘act like a virgin think like a passive aggressive manipulative church going gold digger’. But I digress. The issue is that women want to know so that they can plan but why do we assume that he’s thought about the future? If he has he will tell you. Act like a Lady and books like ‘He’s just not that into you’ resonate with us because they tell us that if he truly wants us he will make a plan. But since when did the male of the species know how to express and communicate themselves so effectively that we get swept off our feet? The only thing my ex could plan was a pub crawl and even that got messy toward the end.
No best we just take their actions as an indication of where it is going. Is he calling regularly, taking you out, introducing you to people as his girlfriend, being considerate and affectionate making sure you are sexually satisfied. If he’s not doing these things then do you really need to ask the question you sort of know the answer to? Every time I asked my ex this question there was this vein in his neck that throbbed nervously like I’d asked him to conjugate a Latin verb in front of the whole class.
Let’s lose this from our vocabulary. Instead try to get him to book a joint holiday in 3 to 6 months time on his credit card. That will tell you how bloody committed he is.
3) What are you thinking?
OMG!! Let us be clear on this one. He can be thinking about a lot of things but be sure that the chances are that unless he is staring into your eyes adoringly he isn’t thinking about you. Secondly he isn’t going to tell you that he was thinking about if he had Gigg’s left foot and Henry’s right that he could be one of the best wingers the premiership has ever seen. Or porn or computer games or the woman across the road who hangs her size 30 GG bras in the window….None of these he can share with you for fear of the look of disappointment….and the ensuing histrionics. He is a man and wants an easy life so honesty is never an option when you ask a stupid question. Why not tell him what you’ve been thinking about and distract him from the fantasy playground that is the male mind with some sex. This way you are both happy and an argument is averted. Simples!
The only time I ask this is when he is flirting with the waitress over dinner and as she walks away I say it. Be assured you will NOT be paying for that meal if you catch him flirting on your time. Use it to your advantage my precious. Also be sure to remind him of this incident whenever you are about to lose an argument. Mwahahahaha.
So that’s it. Part 3 of Stupid questions women ask. Please be safe out there my precious and never reveal the insecurity that is the female mind. Oh and once in a while call your perpetually single friends because they will stop the crazy from getting too bad.
© Chelsea Black