2) So, do you have kids?

Here’s the thing. If he has kids then surely he will at some point mention it? But because he is still just thinking about sex and you are thinking about the potential FuHu this is a silly question to ask. Some lie and deny their kids exist or worse, regale you with stories of fights with ‘baby mothers’ and how he managed not to pay as much child support by moving in with his mum and mini cabbing instead of his old job just to get the bitch back. He sounds dreamy!

However as stupid as it is we ask because we want to know and our reason is 3 fold:

DATING:  If a man has kids we really want to know how much of his time is spent with them and the ex. Because we are already planning their whole social calendars and lives. Also do they have a lot of interaction with the ex or exes or is it one where he isn’t that involved with them. Whilst non- involvement seems like a bad sign for reason 3 it is a good sign for the woman that needs a lot of your time and attention and isn’t looking to share this with little people. McDonalds (aka Divorced Daddy Day care)lunches every other weekend may not be bliss for everyone.

DISPOSABLE INCOME: Second reason we want to work out how much of his meagre income goes on child support. If he’s a musician forget it. I dated a drummer who needed 3 extra jobs to pay for his transportation of his drum kit and child support. He didn’t have any time or money left. He also used the kid as an excuse once for being 45 minutes late. A two year old cannot get that tangled in a jungle gym that you lose close to an hour dude.  But I should have realised that him having a kid and a part time job was not the one.

DADDY POTENTIAL: Third reason is you has a living example of what kind of father he is going to be. An ex had a child who was the love of his life and clearly he was a great parent. But when it came to a schooling decision they decided that as the mother had struggled with shyness at school that the child would benefit from going to school a year later. I wasn’t impressed.

But I wouldn’t have had the insight into him as a Dad without the child there. I know now that it would never have worked because I would have assumed that he would have pushed the child to skip a year and jump straight into Grade 2. The Tiger Mum / African way of parenting.

But all that justification for the question aside it’s not a first date question. Ask him what he gets up to on his weekends and see what he says. Or where he spent his last summer. IF he says Disneyland or he has a membership card for Legoland in his wallet then know that the chances are he has some kids….. or some strange interests.

Men: Don’t believe any woman that tells you that she loves children or fawns over photos of yours. If she hasn’t got any of her own she’s thinking every other weekend and half the school holidays with someone else’s brats? Hmmmm, I’ll pass thanks. She also just wants to know if you shoot cute. (terminology c/o @whrt100) If you have some ug bug kids then know you will never ever see that woman again.

3) So do you want kids?

Too revealing chick. Hold in the biological clock. Chances are you’re going to have to trick him into getting pregnant at some point anyway so why alert him to this on date one? I remember that line in Just Wright where Queen Latifah is sitting with Laz Alonso and she says “So what about kids?” and tries to sound light and breezy. He didn’t call for a 2nd date and put her in the homie zone. We were meant to believe that’s because she wasn’t slim and girly like a god sister Paula Patton but really it was because she was screaming desperation at that dinner. I could wax lyrical on that film alone but the point is that your job on a date is not to reveal any weakness or vulnerability in your relationship armour. Do not talk about your exes. Of course you have some and worse do NOT talk about his and become his counsellor. Keep some bloody mystery. And if they ask you if you want kids or more kids just smile, shrug and say, “hmmmm, one day…..maybe” Do not tell him you want 5, 2 boys and 3 girls and that you have their names picked out (culture permitting.) I know we’ve all thought about it but seriously, he hasn’t.

4) How come you aren’t married ?

So I hate the ‘How is a girl like you still single?’ question from men. Equally men don’t like this one. He’s not married and we should see this as a positive instead we are trying to figure out what is wrong with him? Because clearly something is wrong with him if he has gotten to his mid 40s without so much of a whiff of the diamond shopping spree. Worse if he doesn’t have kids some women start questioning his ability to have them. MAYBE you have tripped across that rare breed of man who doesn’t take his sexual health lightly and has spent a good portion of his life hustling for work and not for love. Think of all of that love he has saved just for you?

Of course there are those who claim not to be married and yet there is a faint whiff of a recently pulled off ring and the sort of belly that only a wife can cook. If you smell married then grab your purse and run. These are the most dangerous as you will fall for them completely. They have been well trained so compared to single guys will seem too good to be true.

The other thing is that if he isn’t married or never has been he may not be the marrying kind. This is not a challenge ladies! You will waste two to three good egg years on a man who claims Hugh Hefner is a lightweight.

That’s it. I can’t think of any more because let’s face it most women are practically perfect. Except for those with a head full of broken biscuits which some guys just can’t seem to resist. But remember this my precious, dating is like a job interview. Don’t let your guard down and ask the questions they are expecting and never get so relaxed (Read drunk) that you slip. Happy dating!

Tomorrow, stupid relationship questions

© Chelsea Black

 

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups