1.  How many sex partners have you had?

What a fail. Dude, you don’t want to know. You ask because you think it will tell you how experienced she is or if she is a slut but let me tell you, women don’t answer this honestly. They can’t. I have known men who claim that any woman who has slept with more than 6 men is a slut. I always ask for clarification…6 men in a week? Possibly I may agree but I still don’t see the point.

 

Again this is a potential wifey question and yet if you were to say ….more than him or more than 10 then suddenly you have flung yourself straight into f8ckbuddy zone never to be taken for dinner again. My advice if he is really pushing for an answer and you want to Husband him stick to between 5 and 15 depending on your age. Or only claim those that gave you total satisfaction and never lied to you. That has to be less than 10. My number would be 8. I just like the way it sounds.

Men ask me this constantly and I am constant in my answer. I don’t bloody remember. Most of them I do my best to forget because quite honestly, they weren’t worthy of a number.

2.Who do you live with?

Means can I come back to your place without upsetting your parents/ kids/ roommates. Never has a question been so transparent. I sometimes use the bisexual roommate who likes to join in excuse.  I’m always suspicious of a man who can’t just say “any chance of us going to bed?” and instead tries to figure out if there is any reason you can’t have sex with him that night. And they never accept that you just don’t want to. Things like I’ve not shaved my legs, the place is a mess, I’ve got work tomorrow do not act as deterrents. Just try saying I don’t want to have sex with you tonight and see how they react. Sulking or personal attacks are common here but best you know, right?

3. What time do you have to be at work tomorrow?

Translation: Can you come back to mine and have sex but then leave early / not sleep over? Aka, have somewhere you need to be chick. This is not a good look especially if you have breached the 45 minute dating zone. If you have this was your first mistake. Few will spring for a taxi in these austere times. Tube walks of shame is not a great look especially if the local cab station, dry cleaners and road sweepers all know you and know that 6.30am is not your daily heel walking exercise time.

The only advantage to this is that you don’t have to wash sheets and make breakfast. But still more hassle than it’s worth.

4. How close are you to [insert friend’s name here]

Translation: I want to fuck your friend but don’t know if that means I’m going to have to be extra stealth as you and she have signed the girl code. I have a few friends that guys ALWAYS ask about. Know then my precious that you have been put firmly in the I’ll f*ck you but I’ll wife her category. Oh he may just f*ck her too. YAWN

My suggestion is that you drop this sack of gobshite now because he is constantly on the lookout for what he perceives to be better pu**y.

5. You and [insert friend’s name here]ever fooled around?

Translation: I want a 3sum with you and your friend. How easily can this be arranged and if so you can do it for me because I’m fundamentally too stupid to seduce two women at the same time.

Any hint of female curiosity on your part will be misconstrued as an opportunity for a 3sum he doesn’t have to arrange. Most men cannot arrange a decent first date let alone a 3sum. Nandos is not a decent first date by the way. So don’t tell him that Alicia Keys is your girl crush because he WILL be pointing out every similar looking friend you have and saying. “What about her? Would you do her? Is she into girls? Do you want to?”

At the end of the day if you do have the odd thing with women why would you ever want to ruin it by having a great big cock in the room and an ego to massage? Or is that a great big ego in the room and a cock to massage? I digress.  Keep these things to yourself my precious if you don’t want to be pestered for life.

6. What do you think of [insert HIS friend’s name here]

He wants a 3sum with you and his friend. I found myself being invited to a Jamaican older man’s house for dinner with him and his friend. Sadly I preferred the friend and didn’t fancy being the spit roast on that particular menu. The suggested first date to Rios the nudist spa should have tipped me off though I guess.

Another time a guy incessantly talked about the adventures he and his flatmate had with women. He didn’t see anything strange about them doing women together and yet chucking the women out and living together in bliss. When I arrived at their place it was covered in gym equipment, silk sheets and faux animal throws. I slept with one eye open that night and tried to keep my butt to the wall but those sheets are quite slippery.

7.How many kids you got?

Either he’s saying you look like you’ve got some or you should have them by now. Surely if someone has kids they would bring this up without being asked. But apparently not. I’ve dated men who seem to forget they have kids. I introduced a guy to my friend Linda who claimed to have one kid. Turns out he had 3. One who he denied was his and the other who lived in the states so they didn’t really count.

But my issue is that there is an assumption here and he’s wondering how many little people he’ll have to bribe before he can get you to himself. Not cute

So there you have it my precious 12 stupid questions men ask. Now tomorrow maybe I should do women but I really doubt I can come up with 10 😉 Happy dating!

© Chelsea Black

 

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups