March 21, 2012 by

Simply Chocolate

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, DATING TIPS, Latest, Misadventures

A-Sexy: C is  for Chocolate

One day I was watching Masterchef the Professionals as many lazy cooks do to make themselves feel better when I had an epiphany. Michel Roux Junior (I totally would) said and I quote verbatim

“A day without chocolate is a day not worth living.”

It was as if stars burst out above me. Finally a man that understood me!! Yes he’s French, married, a bit anal with the cooking and therefore I doubt he’d be up for my Brunch specials and er not dating but he totally got me. I shed a tear and vowed then that I would live my life with these words in my head. Then I went and gave it up for Lent but that’s but a temporary blip in my chocolate love affair.

Chocolate is one of the most wonderful inventions known to mankind. I’ve heard rumours that sex can be pretty great too. However we do need to be careful how we mix the two.

  1. Do not, I repeat do not buy either chocolate flavoured condoms or chocolate body paint from sex retailers. This stuff is beyond rank and is enough to have you seeing porcelain not pleasure for the rest of the night
  2. Check that your partner isn’t lactose intolerant or worse allergic to chocolate. Chocolate treats that are high in cream are not the ones as you then have to contend with a  sick partner or worse the delights of a smelly trapped wind evening in. This is not sexy.
  3. Be sparing in your use of chocolate even as a dessert. My favourite dessert chocolate fondant as served at Gauthier Soho is tiny and yet or so very delicious. I was not ill at all.
  4. Make one dessert to share it’s more romantic and if you run out then you need to find alternative desserts don’t you. No my precious, not cheesecake, you!
  5. Chocolate is to share chick. Stop hogging it like there isn’t a Tesco express nearby. We all have a Tesco express or similar nearby. Nothing says selfish lover like a partner who won’t share their chocolate
  6. If you don’t want fights in your house gentlemen do not, I repeat do not finish the chocolate then put the chocolate box back in the snack cupboard like there is something in it. Know that this crime is tantamount to a nagging sentence. One ex did this and had to cycle to the 24 hour garage at 2am before I could be mildly appeased. Even then I wasn’t’ impressed. Who does that!
  7. Chocolate is a great in between sessions snack. It doesn’t require cooking
  8. Do not attempt to smear chocolate on each other’s bodies. It’s messy, it looks like someone pooped all over the good linen and it’s a bugger to take off
  9. If you do the above because you saw it in a film then please watch the temperature of the melted chocolate. Nothing says the night is over like 3rd degree burns on his penis.
  10. The joy of chocolate is that it’s something you can enjoy with your partner or alone. I prefer it alone.

Happy Chocolate eating!

© Chelsea

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups

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