Here they are in no particular order

  1.  c/o @Leftysbetta  You’re my soul mate…the love of my life. (next girl same lie)
  2. c/o @Leftysbetta   I realize now I was never in love until I met you. I thought I had been but this… this is different (next girl same lie)
  3. c/o @LeftysBetta I would never lie to you. I hate lies (next girl, same lie)
  4.  I would never do anything to hurt or disrespect you. I love you too much! (tries to squeeze out crocodile tears) He may really mean this in the moment then runs off with little miss new boobs, your so called friend or the au pair.
  5.  I love the fact that you’re intelligent and not all about looks / I love the fact that you are so natural and real. The fact that he mentions it means he’s compromising. Chances are he runs off with a 25 year old with fake boobs, hair and more make up then the whole of no 7 at Boots. And she won’t be bright.
  6. I’ve never felt like this before. If not you then who? The next chick dude, the next chick!
  7. I’ll never ever do it again. Assume that he’s going to do it again but take extra precautions to not get caught. Put him on surveillance.
  8. I’m ready to commit. Ready to give you my all. Sometimes his all really isn’t a lot. So check that he actually has something more to give than just moving in and sponging off you. Oh and ready usually means he’s thinking about it. It’s an option.
  9. I prayed and God sent me you. I’m guessing God make a mistake because two weeks later he prayed again and God sent him something shinier and new in a shorter skirt.
  10. I’m a changed man! Chances are he saw this in a movie and thinks that this will work. No man or animal changes without months of training. Bad behaviour is their default.
  11. Whatever I have is yours. I bet he has a lot of debt, emotional issues and baggage.
  12. When I start something I stick to it. Check his place for unfinished DIY projects. Chances are he has 5 semi started businesses, has a CV 6 pages long and has dated most of your local club or pub.
  13. I like my women with a bit of meat on them. His next girlfriend will be a Kylie look a like but definitely not in double figures. He just liked your more fleshy bit
  14. Let’s be friends. Your friendship means too much for me to lose you from my life. You will never ever hear from this dude again. He just wants to make sure he can get out of there with his stuff intact.
  15. I love you. This means I’ve nothing left to use. I’m going to have to pull out the big guns. This is your fault. You called me on the rest of my BS.

I sincerely hope that when he says these to you my precious he means them but if you know he’s lying then, you know what to do right? Grab your purse and run. Unless you are at yours in which case tell him you’ve got stomach cramps / a urinary infection/ trapped wind and see how quickly he runs.
© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups