March 20, 2012 by

Pick your cyber mate

1 comment

Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, DATING TIPS, Latest

Cyber Sex

Ok if you are going to do this then I think we need to set out some ground rules because it’s not for everyone. This is not to be confused with long distance internet sex.  Word of caution though, don’t be too quick to put on the video on your Skype call. And have a mirror nearby. You don’t want the first time you notice that your hair is doing extraordinary things to be the moment he sees it too. First impressions my precious.

But let’s focus on anonymous cyber sex. You’ve never met and he’s just a tag name in the cybersphere. I say avoid those with names that are obviously not true. LonghotRod may actually be his name but long and hot he is unlikely to be. Babe is  code for baby fat. Also avoid those who take too long to work up to it. If every conversation starts like this:

Him: Hello

Him: [20 minutes later] Hi

Him: [1 hour later] Are you there? Please answer me.

Her: Hey Dude, what’s up?

Him: I’m good.

Him: How are you?

Her: I’m great.

Him: Oh ok. So how was your day?

Then abort mission. He is a novice, probably not going to give you a good time and will have to be trained. Besides he’s giving off desperate beggy vibes. Hard enough training actual sex partners but teaching someone how to type articulately and in a manner that will make you moist with one hand? It’s not easy.

Alternatively those who start off with,

HIM: I want to do some nasty sht to you btch . I want to make you come so hard you pee yourself.

Abort mission. One he is probably working off some lame porn based script that he has and two he’s not going to last very long or actually have a conversation. He’s what’s known as a cyber wanker. You barely need to be there and will get nothing out of this exchange.

So you want someone who has some banter and is using two hands initially. They ask a few questions and makes you laugh. A level of comfort is key.

Know this, whatever you think they look like doesn’t matter. He can look like your favourite celebrity crush if you like but you must never ever swap photos. I know you are gorgeous my precious but some will become stalkers. At the same time you do not want to know that you are actually talking to a 15 year old nerd who lives in a farm in Wales using this as his own sex education. It’s cyber because it’s not real and should in no way seep into your real life. EVER.

And men, she’s 20 -50 lbs heavier than she claims, has cats,  greasy hair and has been sectioned…..twice. Keep this at the back of your mind and you are in less danger of forming an attachment.

Picked out a suitable partner? Good more to follow.

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups

One Response to Pick your cyber mate

  1. Isis

    “…HIM: I want to do some nasty sh*t to you b*tch . I want to make you come so hard you pee yourself….”

    RIGHT THERE you know straight away he has NEVER been with a woman b4, wanking Nerd, LOL

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