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Why friendzoning is bad

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Categories: DATING, DATING TIPS

guys friendzoning themselves

friendzone

 

I know the title may seem like clickbait but we need to talk about the dangers of friend zoning. Being friends with a person who just wants to bang you at any moment of vulnerability is not the one. There’s an arrogance to being a perpetrator. Like you know better than them that you are their perfect partner even though you aren’t being honest in your intentions? Maybe so but if they’re not seeing it it’s time to exit stage left. Or you think you are owed something for all the time, effort and energy you put in? Transactional much? Be facebook friends and keep it civil but stop pushing your agenda on someone’s life. Rant over

Firstly friendzoning is a two way street. I’m going to assume it’s a man who is more into the woman in this blog but as we know it can work either way. It’s not a game. I don’t advocate making people jealous or faking niceness but I do think you should tell the person how you feel.  A true friendship is about honesty and not using others without their explicit permission.

Ladies

Learn to say no. You don’t need to have a harem of male friends who fawn over your every life moment and are there for you when the guy you don’t want is with the woman he does. I’m not saying don’t have male friends but stop choosing male friends whom you know fancy you and are just waiting on a chance to fuck. Is it a power trip? Do you enjoy the attention? Might I suggest a pet like a kitten or a puppy? Actually, no not a kitten. It’s a slippery slope from that to non pvc wearing cat woman.

And guys,

Accept her no and move on. Don’t hang about waiting for her to get drunk or cry on your shoulder over the next guy who doesn’t love her then you can slip her some comfort D. She’s not that stupid that she can’t see through your bullshit. She’s just drunk. Or vulnerable. Neither is the start of an amazing love affair. She’s going to resent you in the morning. Pity / begging sex won’t last either.

Statistically I would say that the conversion from friendzone to accidental fuck can be high but to partner? Very low. You’ve spent the first however many weeks/ months/ years not being honest so, how is that a basis for a relationship?

I had a guy friendzone me for 10 months. The problem is that he made me feel that he was soooo close to being ready for a relationship. Turns out he was always ready just, not with me? And there are the bipolar friendzones where it flits between relationship and friendship but they always pull the official, ‘I don’t owe you any emotional responsibility card’ when it suits them. A dangerous breed indeed. Steer clear!

I’m making an anti friendzone stand and need your help. If you are residing in a friendzone then, get out. Just end the friendship. It’s not real anyway. If you are the recipient of the friendzone then, let them go, I beg. There are too few people out there wanting a relationship. Let them go find someone who will love them back. Nobody owes you anything for the time, money, effort you’ve put in. Nobody.

And if you are just into playing games then, well fuck you, stop. It’s so not fun for anyone else .

© Chelsea Black

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The Wasteman Resurrection

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Categories: Baking, Misadventures

My Wasteman Carrot Cake Cupcakes

So this is a Baking Diairies and a Wasteman woes of old. When an ex crosses your present path. To recap: It’s 8pm on the last day of the long weekend and I’ve promised Slave Owner cakes. He wants healthy to go with his never decreasing waistline so I’ve done banana bread and carrot cake except, yesterday I had a cooked brekkie and ate some eggs so I’m eggless!

I look online and Waitrose Kings Road is supposed to be open but, bank holiday. If I go to Waitrose I don’t have to faff on the snack front so I can be in and out in like,  5 minutes. A record for me. I sling on my winter coat which never actually gets put away, my sparkly uggs and pop my headphones in as I march up the Kings Road. It’s more of a dance, waddle , march as I’m listening to the new MATM album and fantasisting about scoring a winning goal. Whole other story for another time.

As I pass Bluebird I hear someone call my name like I owe them money so, I keep walking. I also can’t see very well at night so although I can make out a black guy on the other side I have no idea who it is.

Turns out it’s this dude I went on one date with years ago who then got arsey when I didn’t put out and went on about all the money he had spent on a Marco Pierre White meal? This was way before I knew who Marco Pierre White was so, totally wasted on my Nandos level self. Besides the food was heavy and pretentious and left me uncomfortable, as did he. He also lied unnecessarily

He lied about being a banker (he worked in finance) and living in the City (more Bethnal Green) and spoke with a pretentious British accent which belied his 30 odd years in a naija village. Any hoo we weren’t friends. Why was he calling me so hard? I had heavy thoughts on my head like, what time did Waitrose close? Did the winning goal celebration constitute a shirt off moment? How had I left my house without earrings on?

Turns out he needed to see me at that particular moment because he had a new girlfriend and wanted to rub it in. Honestly? She’s cute. He’s punching above his weight. But I didn’t need the smug look of glee as he told me that the reason he hadn’t been around was because she was taking up all his time now. Dude, I haven’t seen you in over a year! Nobody is blowing up your phone wondering where the fuck you are! See earlier heavy subjects weighing my head.

He tells me how he’s trying to get her to move to Shoreditch. I look confused and ask him if he’s moved from his flat in Bethnal Green? He mumbles something about needing to be in a creative space. I mumble in y head about needing to create more wasteman lies. We both smile snark at each other. Why are we doing this again? Oh yes, so he can gloat.

I told them I was in the middle of a baking emergency and needed to get to Waitrose. Cutey pipes in with, ‘Oh, is it open?’ Ok so she’s not that cute. They’re a match . I run off and yes, Waitrose closed at 7pm.

How is this life? And the carrot cake cupcakes don’t like right. Too gloopy, too dark, too sinsister with the cinnamon. Kind of like him. Oh well, I’ll always have banana bread.

© Chelsea Black 2017

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The public train ride

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Sex

Sex train

When the sex train pulls in. Recently we’ve been celebrating 20 years since university which has meant a flurry of photos of a slimmer, more confident me. I know right? All that teenage angst and I never had to worry about what I ate or wore. EVERYTHING fit. But I digress

The Boyfriend

In one of these photos I spotted an ex. I thought 15 weeks of therapy and a marriage had exorcised all of my demons but apparently I can still hold a grudge? Hey, I’m a Taurus. Once you really piss me off then you may as well just move countries. Which he did. He moved to Scandinavia.

He was a cute guy and initially we were friends as we were both into sport. He was younger than me but somehow we ended up dating each other. I don’t know how relationships at university ever started but I don’t recall an official ask out. Just one day our names were joined.

Things were fine until we had sex. 9 minutes after we started he was done. Was I being punk’d? Youthful inexperience I guess.  Initially he was apologetic but then he got all cocky and he thought he’d done something special by being in my bed? Like he’d blessed my life with that 9 minutes? Oh dear god! But I was young and didn’t know how to tell him he was shit without damaging his rather large but fragile ego. His cock wasn’t so large sadly. But again, I digress. I should have just hurt his ego.

The train

A few weeks later there was a group picnic up a mountain. You had to take a train up this mountain. Everyone broke off into groups and pairs. We wandered off, started making out and he suggested we go hide out on the waiting, empty train. I’d not gotten much spontaneity out of mr mediocre and missionary so this was surprising. He shocked me by suggesting the cowgirl. Wow. A change is a coming!

What I didn’t know is that he’d told ALL his hall of residence mates and we had a group of spectators who gleefully brought friends. So dude couldn’t last more than 9 minutes but he thought literally exposing me to the elements was a good idea? Before we got back down the mountain later that day the story had spread like wildfire and I was labelled a slut. Having sex with my boyfriend on a train was a sinful act apparently.

And thus began a campaign of idiots thinking it was ok to approach me on campus and ask for sex. Guys are stupid when presented with a sexually liberal woman at the best of times but this? This became group bullying. Sadly the women on campus were worse because apparently some women deem themselves to be the moral compass for all other women. It’s not nice to be pariahed for any action but especially one that wasn’t of your making. But I don’t know any of those people now. They don’t influence my life. You learn to get on with your life and move to the chugging motion of your own train I guess.

The result

Needless to say when some women told me what had happened we broke up.

9 minutes contacted me on Facebook a few years ago and I’m not going to pretend I was pleasant. I have come to understand that I don’t have to forgive or be pleasant to everyone from my past. He’s a father with daughters apparently. I think I’m meant to care?

Yeah, it’s been 20 years but I’m nowhere near forgiving him and his nonsense. Sue me. And not all #tbt photos from the past evoke pleasant memories. But sometimes, when I’m on a train I think of that time and smile. I think, fuck, he lasted a whole minute longer!

© Chelsea Black 2017

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