7 ways to say NO to a date

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The other day I was asked out by a guy who, to put it kindly, is so not my type. A smoking uncle dude with a pregnant for 5 month with twins belly, chronic health problems, bad teeth, 80s Bros-eque jeans and not a lot of personality isn’t what I want right now. You can call me fussy all you want but I dried up immediately at the smell of him and those cheap ciggies. He asked me out and I mumbled some excuse. Then I panicked. I know he’s going to ask me again and I have to be able to think quickly to get out of it. I’ll leave aside the insult that some men don’t think any woman is unattainable. They just need to have a penis and we need to be happy that they want us. Nah Fam, I’m not the one and neither are most of the women I know. So I thought about alternative ways to say no. Let’s begin shall we?

  1. Just say no, no!

Not just the ONLY Grange Hill song to stay in my memory bank but also the easiest way to get out of a date. Easy in terms of you don’t have to make any excuses. However it’s hard as women are raised to be nice and say yes like they’re grateful for being asked? We’re not. A simple, ‘No thank you’ should do it and if he’s a gentleman he will accept this in the spirit that it’s meant. Probably best not to laugh at him or screw up your face whilst you do it no matter how awful the thought of a date is. Be gracious. You can afford to be.  Rejection hurts egos.

  1. Don’t qualify.

He may ask why not. Please be firm and say you don’t have to qualify your why. This is a key part of #1. Once you qualify you get into a dating negotiation and end up going on a date you don’t want to go on to avoid being considered a bitch. Be a bitch! Save yourself and watch crappy TV instead like I did. Thank you channel 5* / 5 USA.

  1. Lie to save their feelings

If it’s online it’s easier to be honest but I understand that some guys aren’t going to take no for an answer and it can get really socially awkward. If you see them socially or at work then you may need to rely on the old, ‘Sorry, I’m seeing someone’ lie. I have at least 3 fake boyfriends at any one time.

Some guys get all, ‘So tell me about him? What does he do?’ and try to get into some competitive bullshit but some will back off because seemingly they don’t respect your feelings or a no but the fear of another dick is real apparently. Use your close male friends as it sounds more believable. Or use your crush. It’s not like you don’t know everything there is to know about him. You’re welcome.

  1. Disappear

Ghosting is the typical fuckboi way. You know the ones: He says it would be really good to meetup / hangout / catch a drink sometime and you say yes but then it never happens so you tentatively ask him when and he, disappears? Often times they reengage then ghost again.  Yes ghosting isn’t just for when you’re in a relationship. It can happen beforehand. If you’re online it’s easier to go ghost. Just go offline. Tricky when they can see your posts or your greenlight on at work but, no, hopefully they’ll get the passive aggressive hint that you’re not into them. Be careful with the ghost though as we don’t like it being done to us and should only be used where he’s proven himself to be a little too nigistent?


  1. Delay

Say something like, ‘I’m really busy right now but can I think about it?’ and then disappear. This is basically still a dick male move but, if you really can’t bear to tell him the truth i.e that the thought of being in the same space with him is making you think of throwing yourself back at your narcissistic ex for pity sex then, use it as needed. The delay however does give you time to date others and then you can use 3 without having to lie. Win!

  1. Mansplain

If you are already friends with this person and you feel that you owe them more than just a simple no then, you can mansplain your feelings. This is a thin line one as it can come off as judgemental but if you are 100% that there is no chance in hell that his penis is coming anywhere near your body then be fair and let him go and find lust elsewhere.

  1. Self-deprecate

Play the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ card. This is an old relied upon favourite although if you get yourself one with a saviour complex he’ll tell you that he’s prepared to wait and that he can help you get over your ex or whatever issues you claim to have. I’m not ready is a great starting point.

The key to all of this is that you don’t need to become friends with anyone who has asked you out even if you like them as a person. We are beyond the age of friend zoning grown ups and then expecting them to give us emotional support without any of the physical and relationship benefits. We hate it when they do it to us so my advice? Don’t do it to them. Just. Say. No! (No! Just say no.)

Right, I’m off to watch some repeats of Grange Hill and Zammo snorting heroin off the cloakroom floor.


© Chelsea Black 2017


My Beach Bond Moment in Barbados

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Travel, Tags: ,

So for my birthday (I have three but that’s a whole other blog) I decided that I needed some beach bikini and promptly took myself off to Barbados. My friends told me to take condoms and make up etc in case this was my ‘Stella Got Her Groove Back’ moment but I’d already had that and to be honest I didn’t really have Bond on beach fantasy. I just wanted to work on my vitamin d and catch up on some much needed sleep

I arrived in the afternoon and it felt like I was being kissed and hugged by the sun and heat. As allergic as I am to the cold I’m quite literally addicted to the heat. It completes me. I was promptly whisked off to the resort and it was lovely. I made the mistake of partaking in their welcome rum punch and fell asleep on my bal

cony over looking the sea. This was heaven.

The next day I dug out my honeymoon

Bond moment Barbados

bikini and, it fit! I got up early (I’m an eight German so have an inbuilt need to grab a lounger early. I’d been spying on the beach since 6am) and sauntered down to my lounger. Bar staff came to take orders so you never ha

d to go in. The wifi even worked as I was so close to the hotel.

A few hour later and I saw someone bobbing along the sea. Ignoring him I went back to a facebook argument about one of the KarKrash family I think. Then I saw the bob emerge from the sea.

Now, in terms of female fantasies there have only been two sea scenes to reference. The first is Daniel Craig in every sing Bond movie I think. The second is Tom Cruise in some movie where their plane crashed and he emerged and you realised that Tom was now not the hot thing of yesteryear. He was giving serious Daddy hotness not sexy hotness.

Well, this was worse. Firstly he had moobs. His bra size would definitely be bigger than mine and I’m a small D cup. Secondly he looked like he’d eaten Nemo. And why was he walking towards me like we knew each other? Oh fuck! A beach fuckboi opportunist. Was Idris or Omari Hardwick busy?

He did indeed come over and start chatting me up. Why? I blame the honeymoon bikini and the lack of any other black women on the beach. Turns out he was a grandfather of 5, in his 50s, semi retired and way too chatty. I hadn’t even had my second smoothie of the day.

I tried to be reserved and unengaging but, he was nigistent in his approach and insisted on exchanging details. I gave him my messenger. He eventually left and I promptly slagged him off on facebook before remembering that my profile is public. Did he see it? I felt bad but then thought, hold on, this is my holiday. How dare he think it’s ok to impose his mooby self on it. I thought I had escaped that sort of nonsense when I got on the Virgin flight at Gatwick. Quick shout out to Virgin  on the gluten f

ree meal by the way. Not so much on the way back but you killed it on the way out.

Anyway he insisted on taking me out on my birthday. I guess he hadn’t read the post. We walked around the west side of the island and he showed me his primary school and then said we should go to his cousin’s house. Er, does this fool think I’ve never seen an episode of Oprah? You never ever let them take you to a second location. Yes, judging from his flip flopped feet and belly I could outrun him but, CSI Miami was about to start and I had to make a decision. I chose Miami.

Needless to say I probably wasn’t in any danger at all but, I didn’t want to become some unknown tourist who disappeared in the middle of the night who wrote ‘moobs’ in the sand as a clue to the police. Nah, this was no Bond moment.

© Chelsea Black 2017 #BikiniBirthday #BimBreak


The Debenham’s Card Debacle

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Categories: Things I ♥ more than Sugar

So this was completely my fault.

I was off to watch Billy Oceanwho was at London Palladium tonight and yes, I could have stayed at the Plantation past 4 O’clock but, for what? Instead I decided to pop into Oxford Street. As I’m on a new savings budget (yeah, I’m not really sure what this means but I think it just means avoid Selfridges) I avoid Selfridges and go to Debenham’s instead. Part of this was because I wanted to check out their bikinis and partly because I really felt bad about the brand being in financial trouble. I’d abandoned them for way too long.

Somehow, and don’t ask me how I end up in the shoe section trying on heels that are likely to give me vertigo and stumbling around the place. An African auntie spots me and drags me around the widefit section looking for a size 8 for her because her feet are tired. I don’t know why my face says I’m willing to help but she’s Africa and an Auntie so I can’t say no. I’m facing my own water retention shoe fit struggle so maybe I fell her pain.

Then I decide on the 4 pairs I’m taking home with me (don’t judge) and ask the young Asian guy to get me the other shoe. He tells me that he’ll leave them at the  till then disappears for ages. I go to the till after a last check to make sure I’ve not left anything in the shop which should go home with me but y shoes aren’t there.

The till operator is an older black woman who decides to go hunt him down. I’m slightly concerned at how much glee she has in her eyes as she states that he’s been sulking all day! Huh? She tracks him and my shoes down and then explains that he’s just come back from holiday. I explain I’m just about to go on holiday and she asks me if I want to open an account.

Now this is where I fucked up. Recently the same thing happened at M&S where I got 10% off and a Sparkles Card so I assumed it was the same thing. But then Sister Patricia as we will call her starts asking me how much I earn and shit? For a fucking store card? I know Debenhams are in financial trouble but this seems rather extreme.

She tells me about her grandkids and asks about my holiday. I’m late for a Nandos but she doesn’t have her glasses on so this is going to take a while. I tell her I’m taking myself away for a few days and she fit bumps me. I realise that this is outside of the usual bonding / customer service and B*cky is side eying us hard.

We go through the process and finally she presses a button as I stand there feeling violated by all these questions. YES AUNTIE PATRICIA!! I’m single with no kids and way too much disposable income. Fuck!  Let’s be clear. Patricia doesn’t know how to use her inside voice.

Computer says no and she has to make a call. ‘This happens a lot when you earn too much’, she says pointedly at me. Er…..ok. Next time I’ll lie .

They clear me for my store card and then she leans over and says….’you’ve been approved for £5000!’

So this was a credit card? She says yes, that it’s an account. Me I’m still confused. So it’s not a  store card but no,  Granny Patricia tells me that she clearly said account. Sigh

As I’m preparing to leave she asks me how I’m getting home. Dear god, I don’t have a car to declare on my phone. I tell her I’m off to see Billy Ocean and she starts in on how she loved him. She asks me how much the tickets are and to be honest I’m too embarrassed to tell her so say, it’s the start of the #BikiniBirthday. Ancestor Patricia high fives me and I see her white colleagues looking on in wonder. Whatever, she’s giving me props for living my life. I’m giving her whatever store related points she gets for signing people up to a card they never wanted.

Now I’m going to have to shop a lot at Debenhams. Sigh. Everyone knows I’m more of a John Lewis Lass. But technically it means I didn’t spend any money today, right?

Oh and I also bumped into a tinder date ex but, that’s a whole other story for another time. I have to try on these shoes again and hope the swelling has gone down.

© Chelsea Black 2017

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