FloorAs with every New Year I throw a party to absolve myself of my chocolate sins. It’s an all white party because I think that’s the colour of purity. It never works but in my mind drinking copious amounts of bubbles is the only way to forget the year before. And then I go see my psychics. Don’t judge my Precious, some of you go to the gym for 2-3 weeks I go to the psychic.

Anyway when she said my challenge tarot card was the 5 of cups I was thrown. She asked me about the recent men in my life and I explained about the 5 disappearing acts. She told me that I should write what attracted me to them on a piece of paper, how I felt about them then and now and then burn it and surrender it to the universe. I was glad that it was only the ones from last year! And weirdly, there were 5! Spooky huh?

The Friend

We were twitterati friends. He took me on a date for Valentine’s day and then disappeared for 3 months. He booty called me 3 months later. Surely not? But yes indeedy. I told him to go away and come back in 3 months. My facetious comment was wasted as he did return 3 months later. I told him that if we were to have anything it would have to be more than sex. He said that he was too selfish to be a boyfriend and besides when I didn’t invite him in for sex on Valentine’s day he assumed I wasn’t interested. He said he was spoilt by women chasing him. Right. I told him that now we were at an impasse and would remain friends. He sent me a sad face. The curse of the Valentine’s had struck again.

Mr Fotocopier

Dear MR F: We met at work. You used to help me with the machines because I really don’t care to know what I’m doing. I liked you but you never openly flirted. Your facebook updates were strange and your spelling made my soul cry a little but you were a teddybear. Then I left work and you insisted we keep in touch. We set up an event then you disappeared 3 weeks before the event refusing to answer texts or calls. I started to feel like a stalker. Turns out that business wasn’t so good. Then months later out of the blue you contact me and ask where I live. I ask why and you tell me that you think things could get hot and heavy between us if you drive by later that week. Huh? Were you invited? I regret tolerating all the poorly spelt chat messages now.

Mr Facebook

We were friends. We joked about writing and creative stuff. I wasn’t sure where it was going but you seemed to want to turn it into a date. You even said you would pay. I was mildly impressed. It was a recession year after all. You asked to see my photo as I purposefully don’t have any on Facebook. I wasn’t sure what you would think of me and there is always that moment of self doubt. I wasn’t prepared for your response. “I know who you are. I know who you are!” you shouted and promptly disappeared.

Who am I? #Confused

You came back weeks later like nothing had ever happened but I have since deleted you. I just don’t think paying for a Nandos is enough for me to forgive the weird response.

The Freak

We were introduced by a friend. You seemed to be gently seducing me whilst asking her questions on the side. It was going well. You suggested we go into business together. I suggested we meet up first. You resisted my attempts to meet. You tried to make it sexual instead and I resisted those. You told me about all the women you had on your roster. I told you that I was over sex for sex sake. I was surprised when you set up a date for a Friday. On the Wednesday I suggested a time. I never heard from you again. I know you are alive as you have been spotted on FB and on my gmail. I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that you weren’t in a mild accident that left your typing skills temporarily paralysed. I do wonder If one of your sexcapades women tied you up for 3 days leaving you unable to answer. I guess we will never know.

The FuHu

The FuHu – so we met at varsity. He said he had a crush. I had someone to carry my books between classes. I can’t say that I knew about your crush as you were a shy 17 year old and I was a woman of the world already – in my head.  Years and 1 Facebook request later we were in serious lust. Sexual, intelligent and a size queen’s dream I was very quickly considering moving countries. I have never had so much BBM sex in my life. Both divorced, I was surviving on a few hours sleep because of the time difference. I did worry that you never really called and that you had an evil temper but, we came from the same place. I got you.

But you offered so much and delivered so little. Then you disappeared. A week later I got a text from you telling me that you had slept with someone else but thought about me as you did her from behind. I think I was meant to be flattered? It wasn’t.

And so I bid you all a not so fond adieu and burn this letter. I will move forward dating more wisely and bravely in 2013. And I hope that my letter doesn’t have to be this long!

Hi my name is Chelsea black and….hey I’m back!

© Chelsea Black