The Network Nuisance

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Categories: Misadventures

The Network Nuisance 

So networking is a massive part of our everyday. We go, we meet new people, we connect and then, years later we may even do business. Socially it works too especially if you are new to a city or you want to meet people who share your interests. Cute!

But some people use it for so much more. They lipstick up and look for ‘usband. I get it chica, there’s no eligible bachelors at your Plantation so here you are, gatecrashing a network in the vain hopes of finding some marriable dick. Hmmmmm and the men dem aren’t much better. Some have confessed that they want a bang buddy and who is most likely to give them drama free dalliances. I tell them that I really don’t know because, why would I help you get over on someone else?  

For over 10 years I’ve been going to the same network. It works as it’s once a month with the odd cinema trip or talk thrown in. But recently I’ve started to question some of the nuisances who grace said group.

Firstly, there is the woman who storms in, demands to be introduced to all the men and then storms out. She’s level 1 aggressive with an agenda and time poor. Why when this is a social group are you treating me like your exhausted P.A.? Nah

Then there is the introvert who thinks turning up is the only thing they need to do. The rest if up to you. Entertain them their eyes demand. They never ask about others and if you get stuck sitting next to one then your whole night is ruined. I can’t be arsed.

Then, and possibly the worst are the network nuisances. Last month I met one and immediately I thought, yes, there’s something about him I like. Turns out he is purposely charming.  Yes, he made a couple of ignorant statements on ‘Africa’ but, I can forgive as he knew that they were indeed ignorant. Then he did that thing a lot of guys do looking for freeness. He appealed to my feminine need to help by telling me how he needed business coaching and …..yeah free coaching was over in the noughties. We have moved on from cuteness = freeness to you better just sort yourself out in life.

But then upon further questioning it transpires that he’s married! I stared in the poorly lit bar and with a squint saw that, yes, he had the well treaded indentation of a ring. So, he took off a ring so that he could go hunting for women to help him build his business for free? Or he just an incorrigible flirt who thinks to get women on his rare night out?

Either way he’s a nuisance and should declare his intentions early on. He’s a Network Nuisance.

In other news, nuisances are on the decrease so are getting smarter about how they conceal themselves. Take heed my precious!   



Moans from Morocco

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Categories: Travel and Social

Moans from Morocco

So randomly I decided that I deserved a short break and booked myself a holiday in Marrakech. The longest part of this decision was deciding where to go as I needed to get more tier points AND sun without wasting a day travelling. I know, I’m a slave to reward schemes.

Anyhoo after disregarding Malaga, Malta and Nice (apparently there was snow on the beach so I was thankful) I opted for one of those flight + hotel deals. Note to self: I’m waaay too fussy for this way of living. Next time I’ll just do flights.

I get there after a snowy delay at Gatwick and you have to then run the taxi gauntlet which is basically them trying to rip you off by telling you there’s 50% more now. I was made to stand and wait for 25 minutes with a black guy so I’m guessing that’s black man’s corner?

After a harrowing taxi I get to my hotel and it’s fine. I can’t complain. But then, there’s always something so here are my tips for surviving Marrakech

Take your own loo roll. Their 5 star hotel one ply is not the one.

Book a shuttle taxi with the hotel and be greeted by a banner with your name. Nobody needs that level of aggro after a 5 hour sit down on the plane (3.5 hour flight but with Gatwick delays)

At the airport they will try to tell you to take out £300. Don’t. Unless you like overpriced rugs and haggling with professional liars. £150 is enough for 3 days.

They’re not ready for gluten free living. Their ‘bread’ was more hard biscuits scone-ish and inedible. Just go for a tagine with rice instead of couscous and hope for the best.  And pack gluten free biscuits.

Ask for a room with a  sun facing balcony. And not on the ground floor. Lots of wanderers apparently walking into the wrong rooms

Marrakech has caught on and is not overpriced. Book everything through the hotel such as taxis and try not to be resentful at the stench of cat pissed streets.

The guys are aggressive but as a black woman not so much with me. I think this was partly to do with their love or western money. Great for a solo pool getaway though.

Would I go back? Nope! But I’m glad I’ve ticked it off the bucket list




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Categories: BLOG

#RandomThought   Me If I was a famous man I would just put my hands up and say I’ve been a dick before all of the women I’ve ever met start telling truths about me. I would write an apology outlining how I didn’t know about equality and not abusing my position of penis and why I only know now that I have a daughter, loving partner and brand I want to protect stroke I don’t want to ruin. I would state that yes, indeed since 2017 or the birth of my recognition that women ain’t taking that shit anymore have changed into someone who will be about to keep my dick and hands to myself.

Whilst I will struggle with this daily I will probably just groom the more vulnerable of women who aren’t likely to get a backbone thereby being an even bigger dick but my contribution to a charity or event will mean the public think otherwise. I would PR the hell out of this and resign / retire from whatever it is I do because I know my brothers in perv have me covered. My money will not suffer.

This all assumes I’m a heterosexual dick however. If I’m gay I’m not saying shit until I’m called out. You lot are going to have to call me out! I’m hoping at that point I will be able to use the internal angst of my sexuality battle and coming out as an excuse. I will misalign all of the then young men as money grabbing opportunists who want to use me to get work done now that they are old.

I will claim that my presence in a gay bar / club was merely research for a song / role. I will vilify the media for persecuting me as a gay man. I will probably get married to a man to prove that those heady days of grabbing by the penis are over and I am reformed. I will donate to gay charities and throw lavish fund raising events.

These both assume that I’m white. If I’m not white then I will say nothing. I will claim that the women (because I can’t be very black and gay really? Well not a lot) or men are trying to bring our people down with their malicious lies. They’re doing drugs.  I will claim they don’t understand the business and that this is why they aren’t successful. My boys will say they didn’t see anything as I pay their wages.

I will claim she liked being passed around the group and this was not videod They didn’t have the right work ethic or attitude to make it. I will call them out for not being attractive and being ghetto even if they are from the suburbs and aren’t attractive. I will make sure that my army of twitter trolls pours venom on them all the time, every day until they have to delete their account. I will continue doing what the fuck I like with other people’s bodies because I am a hero in my community and you all belong to me.

I will Bill Cosby/ R Kelly / Tyrese the hell out of this and attack the victims at every turn. . I will not lose any of my power or status. Unless it’s with a white woman then I’m kinda fucked. B*cky power means they have not only cornered the market in being harassed but they have commandeered #MeToo and white power will protect them from the savage African penis which….well you know the deal. Penis envy. size matters blah blah blah

Eish……Sorry Seal. Anyone know where Tiger is?…

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