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In the Black – the gift basket (July)

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Read More, Tags: , , , , , ,

It’s always a tricky one isn’t it? Your latest fling invites you over for the night. So let’s think; dinner, sex and the morning after to stress and obsess over.

My “sex date” look takes a good three hours plus industrial strength products to achieve; so you see what I’m working with.
But this one had potential hubby written all over him. I was determined to stand out and be remembered. Yep, the legendary shag of pub and stag do conversations!

I thought I had it cracked. I would simply fill a gift basket with foods for the evening, toys for the night and products for the morning without looking like I was moving in…just yet.

So first, the contents. I did my research and bought his national foods, soaps and bath bombs from Lush, went crazy in Ann Summers, Harmony and Simply Pleasure in Soho and of course, the mandatory Mark and Spencer’s underwear purchase. I’m a traditionalist at heart. It took three days of hardcore shopping and heavy reliance on the blackberry but I had a plan.

He’s an African man cooking me an African meal so I went for a wooden bowl as a basket. I eventually track one down in Crabtree and Evelyn, but realised at home that it was too small! I would still need to take a suitcase to get through my 12 hour visit. So, mustering all my resolve I went out again and just as I was about to give in and treat myself to some well deserved chocolate cake, I stumbled across a cute vintage wire basket at Victoria & Jill’s. I still had the chocolate cake mind you.

But, like most best laid plans I still have the basket and (cough, except the chocolates) most of its contents at home. Why you ask? Because when I wrapped it all up in netting and ribbons I realised that despite failing Home Economics, I had created a masterpiece too good for a mere man. A few cuddles and kisses do not a gift basket make. Plus I spoke to my best friend who relayed a similar story about a seduction scene straight out of 9 1⁄2 Weeks too early in her relationship. So I did what any normal girl would do and packed my biggest, ugliest work bag. Now he just thinks I have bad taste, as opposed to too much time on my hands and the intention of robbing him of his single status.

Needless to say the date wasn’t what I was expecting. I was made to help cook (see Home Economics. reference above) the sex was underwhelming, and I woke up stiff-necked whilst he snored and hogged all the pillows. Not even so much as a poke on Facebook these days. Good job I nixed the Robin Givens “Boomerang” rain coat idea eh?

Nope, I’m going to save any creative outbursts for my girls. So look out my precious, there’s a hen night gift basket coming your way!

Ciao for now my precious

© Chelsea Black

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In the Black – A girl with a plan (June)

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Categories: ABOUT, FIND ME, In Bed With Chelsea, Read More, Tags: ,

So you know when you turn up to those business networking do da things and they tell you that everyone is going to have to do a 60 second pitch? And you’re standing there thinking to yourself, “****! I’ve got half an idea, my deodorant stopped working around noon and I’m hungry.” Well that’s how I feel about writing this column. It’s half an idea based on a series of status updates on a certain social networking utility but, hopefully, by the end of this you’ll get the idea.

Deadlines and word counts, my parents would be so proud. Not that they’ll see this. I mean, who wants to be confronted with the fact that their daughter is a dating disaster, spends way too much day time in the local park and thinks that the recommended drinking limit for women is 21 units? (Its 14 units for those of you who also thought that 21 was the right answer. It is, if you’re a man). Oh, and the sex! No one wants to admit that their precious child is out there exploring. Not as much as she would like to mind you but exploring none the less.

I’m a girl with a plan. I plan to have babies, get married 4 times (1 down only 3 to go!) and am destined for great things. Unfortunately I am severely allergic to kids, fall in lust way too quickly, and lack the focus for success. But none of this stops me from dreaming. You’ve got to have dreams right? I work for myself as an administrator and social group organiser (see reference to park above) but am a full time bar fly.

So a bit about me just to set the scene. Ok, I’m over 21. I’m at the age where men ask me how many kids I’ve got as opposed to do I have any. Then again this could be due to my permanent budda belly that I call Maxine Saj. She goes everywhere with me and constantly craves chocolates and woo woo cocktails. I don’t question these desires, I just provide.

I live in London and will not be removed unless under the influence of lots of champagne and a Tiffany ring. In fact, I saw the perfect champagne pink bauble ring in their window the other day. I think the ring, a house in zone 1 or 2, a great credit rating to counterbalance mine AND patience makes for the perfect compromise for being stuck in a relationship. Oh and a credit card would be yummy but I’m a realist. You can’t have it all.

Now I would love to stop and chat some more but you’ve just reminded me that I need to contrive a subtle way for my latest lust bunny to see the bauble ring. It’s been 3 weeks and I’m hopeful. So what if he hasn’t called me for a week. A girl with a plan, that’s me.

Ciao for now my precious

© Chelsea Black

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Why???

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Categories: DATING, Read More, Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

So let’s get this straight dude I can’t cook I can’t clean,
For 5 days of the month I’m actually quite mean
I don’t think your jobs smart. I don’t care about cars
I hate to say this but your best friend? He’s an arse
I hate when you have the remote and just sit on the couch
I hate the way your body looks when you just sit there and slouch
You’ve got horrible dress sense and your wardrobe is shit
And erm, red and green? Don’t go you ignorant git
I have dreams of my own and they are better than yours
But when I tell you about them you just look bored
I won’t ever care which Dr Who or Bourne film is best
And the only hero I know is the one with an S on his chest
Erm Spiderman!!! that’s it right?
And when you order McDonalds you NEVER offer me a bite
I don’t get Xbox or iphones or Play station 2
I don’t care about your computer and what it can do
I love rom coms and chick lit and a gossip with my girls
I love glitter and pink and diamonds and pearls
I love good sex and good sex and did I mention good sex?
And that’s why my darling,I am making you my EX!!!
© Chelsea Black 2010

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