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The Porn Files

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Categories: DATING, Read More, Sex

So, you think that you are adventurous with your one Ann Summers vibrator and a few raunchy novels? Well my precious, no matter how happy a man is he has a history. A PORN history and this is the file you need to tap into. Forget the ex file. That one’s simple. He couldn’t/wouldn’t commit. She flipped after 4 years and slashed his tyres/ football shirts/ music collection/ credit rating. Yep, we’ve all been there. The real drama is PORN.

Now you’re thinking, ‘not my man, I give him everything he wants and more’. No, you don’t. Most men desire more than matching undies, a blindfold, handcuffs and some chocolate body paint. (Don’t ask. Needless to say the sheets didn’t make it).

The first trick is to gain access then, quickly locate the heart of the man, the private collection. Send him out for some tampons then check everywhere including his internet history. Assume every man has porn and look for worrying signs of sex practises you’d steer well clear of when you’re drunk. Hey, if double anal penetration is your bag then go forth with glee! (and generous lashings of lube).But if you are more the “blow job on his birthday” type then make a plan to extricate yourself pretty quickly. But only after sex because you never know my precious, with the right man at the helm you may find yourself enjoying it. (Don’t ask. I just can’t tell you.)

Let’s not be judgemental now. Fantasies are a deep rooted thing based on early sexual experiences. He’s into Big Jugs Weekly because his first teacher had big jugs and didn’t wear a bra. Well, I guess they’re not that complex after all. Then again, I turned down a guy in a Soho sex shop who had been flirting a bit too hard with the blow up dolls. We all have our limits.

If you can’t find his stash then ask. Be careful, they are getting sneakier. My ex had all his porn on his computer – password protected downloads. He put up 15 minutes of resistance before I endured a long night of badly shot black porn. You know, with shots of the director’s friends in the background eating chicken? It got so dire that I pretended to be just as turned on by the mother/ daughter / boyfriend scene just so that I could seduce him in time to watch Project Runway.

But know that this isn’t about him. It’s about us making a choice. I know a girl who broke up with her partner recently after he made her watch his favourite film, “The Secretary”. I thought this made him slightly quirky and open minded. She saw it as signs of a controlling obsessive nature with masochistic undertones. So you see how important the porn files are. OPEN THEM!

Hmmm, I wonder if it’s too soon to ask her for his number? Nite my precious

© Chelsea Black

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The Foodie Call

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Read More

In the Black – Foodie Call.
I’ve finally figured out what you all have known for years. Food and sex are the foundation of any good casual relationship, now more commonly known as the foodie call. Two essential needs being met at once. A delicate balance of being fed and erm… being fed! You get the picture.

So this is how mine went down. For a while now, he had been flirting online. I’ve only ACTUALLY met him once but you know when it’s special. He likes you, showers you with loads of attention, hence, its special. Normally I would have tried to seal the deal on the night but hey, I was drunk, the club was loud and sweaty and I may have been slightly distracted by the Thierry Henry look a like at the bar.

Last Thursday I came home and scanned the fridge. Hmmm. Beetroot, Soya milk and chocolate body paint do not a meal make. Even though I live within a mile of six supermarkets, I just couldn’t be bothered to leave my house again and then come back and cook. So I jumped online to see if there was anything happening where there was likely to be some grub. My friend Tia was suggesting The Westbourne, but only for a quick drink. But then HE came along. The email asked me how I was and we started chatting. I broke it down: I had no food, I can’t cook and I was so hungry that I was contemplating eating at the dodgy chippy conveniently forgetting the stomach cramps from last time!

Yes, I know black women are meant to be able to throw down in the kitchen but I guess I assumed throw down meant something else entirely? Don’t judge my precious.

So he suggested that he come around and cook. I pictured him trying to rustle up something with the body paint and beetroot. It would also mean me having to clean the flat. So I told him no. Then he counter offers to cook for me at HIS place. Now this is a plan I could work with. A meal, potential sex and NO laundry in the morning? JACKPOT.

I jump in the shower and mentally plan an outfit that screams: ‘I could wear this to work tomorrow.’ Then, just as Kylie and I were hitting the dodgy high note, my stomach rumbled and it hit me. I didn’t know where he lived! So I jumped back online and asked. He eventually told me.

CATFORD

Needless to say Tia and I had a great night out at The Westbourne and I managed to grab some food. I’m all up for a foodie call my precious but you need to have the right ingredients. What if he couldn’t cook? What if he couldn’t satisfy? What if he lived outside Zone 2?

Gotta run. I’ve got a foodie call with a guy in Gloucester Road who swears his food will make me cry out. I guess that means lots of onions.

Ciao for now my precious

© Chelsea Black

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In the Black – the gift basket (July)

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Read More, Tags: , , , , , ,

It’s always a tricky one isn’t it? Your latest fling invites you over for the night. So let’s think; dinner, sex and the morning after to stress and obsess over.

My “sex date” look takes a good three hours plus industrial strength products to achieve; so you see what I’m working with.
But this one had potential hubby written all over him. I was determined to stand out and be remembered. Yep, the legendary shag of pub and stag do conversations!

I thought I had it cracked. I would simply fill a gift basket with foods for the evening, toys for the night and products for the morning without looking like I was moving in…just yet.

So first, the contents. I did my research and bought his national foods, soaps and bath bombs from Lush, went crazy in Ann Summers, Harmony and Simply Pleasure in Soho and of course, the mandatory Mark and Spencer’s underwear purchase. I’m a traditionalist at heart. It took three days of hardcore shopping and heavy reliance on the blackberry but I had a plan.

He’s an African man cooking me an African meal so I went for a wooden bowl as a basket. I eventually track one down in Crabtree and Evelyn, but realised at home that it was too small! I would still need to take a suitcase to get through my 12 hour visit. So, mustering all my resolve I went out again and just as I was about to give in and treat myself to some well deserved chocolate cake, I stumbled across a cute vintage wire basket at Victoria & Jill’s. I still had the chocolate cake mind you.

But, like most best laid plans I still have the basket and (cough, except the chocolates) most of its contents at home. Why you ask? Because when I wrapped it all up in netting and ribbons I realised that despite failing Home Economics, I had created a masterpiece too good for a mere man. A few cuddles and kisses do not a gift basket make. Plus I spoke to my best friend who relayed a similar story about a seduction scene straight out of 9 1⁄2 Weeks too early in her relationship. So I did what any normal girl would do and packed my biggest, ugliest work bag. Now he just thinks I have bad taste, as opposed to too much time on my hands and the intention of robbing him of his single status.

Needless to say the date wasn’t what I was expecting. I was made to help cook (see Home Economics. reference above) the sex was underwhelming, and I woke up stiff-necked whilst he snored and hogged all the pillows. Not even so much as a poke on Facebook these days. Good job I nixed the Robin Givens “Boomerang” rain coat idea eh?

Nope, I’m going to save any creative outbursts for my girls. So look out my precious, there’s a hen night gift basket coming your way!

Ciao for now my precious

© Chelsea Black

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