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In the Black – My Not So Funny Valentine

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Read More, Sex, Tags: , , , , ,

Ok so here’s is the deal. I tend to put a lot of hope and thought into Valentines Day. Don’t ask me why my precious. Even when married, its not like I got more than the standard card and something functional like a steps video for those wintery nights at home whilst I rushed around looking for 5 perfect gifts for our 5 imperfect years together.

But this year, this year was different, because not ONLY was I single for the first time in forever, I was seeing not one, but two delicious men. Call me greedy but I see it as portfolio diversification and I’m not one to preach but in a financial crisis a girl has to have options. Dinner options.

So the first one, Young Banker, was a hangover from 2008. A boy that proudly told me that he was a year older than last year. He booked me a whole 9 days before V day. I was almost impressed. He claimed not to be the same cheap, lazy young man who couldn’t be bothered to make an effort anymore. I claimed to be the same demanding chick who couldn’t cook.

So then he texted me with two hours to go to the meal and asked me if I had any food preferences? A tad late I thought. We met and made our way to dim t, Pimlico. On the way we passed a Nandos and he suggested that ‘we go there instead.’ I told him firmly that I supported Nandi’s every week and today, I wanted something more romantic.

I think he felt that all his efforts had been spent, as we sat to eat a meal where I chatted with my friend Sugar on Blackberry Messenger and he regaled me with tales of …erm; I really don’t remember any of them

At the end of the meal he proudly presented the waitress with his 2 for 1 voucher. She proudly told him that it didn’t work on the weekends. I reluctantly offered to pay for my share (£17.50) and only his reluctant refusal of my offer won him a space in the cab back to my place.

Once at home, just as I thought things couldn’t get any worse, he jumped onto my laptop and began to search porn sites. He couldn’t even be bothered to think up his own foreplay? That was it; the boy was shown the door.

Thankfully the day was saved by Guy 2 who accidentally sent my card to the address upstairs. It finally made its way downstairs (but I could feel my neighbour’s resentment steaming off the envelope she had tried to hastily stick back together.)

He then bought me chocolates, perfume and knickers. Now you know that red isn’t my colour girl, but when a man asks you to wear the gift for him, what’s one to do but buy a pair of matching red heels and fishnet stockings?
Bye for now my precious, I’m off shopping
© Chelsea Black

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My Christmas Prayer

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Categories: DATING, Dating Challenges, Read More

Every year it’s the same. Every year without fail I start praying. I send a prayer to the big man upstairs asking for a man who will treat me like a queen, spoil me like a princess and never EVER question my need to buy shoes, chocolate and cosmetics. It’s not too much to ask no?
And yet every year Santa says the same ole thing. NO!!! Well I’m tired of listening to the cuddly guy in the ill fitting crushed velvet suit. So this year my precious, well, you know moi, this year I had a plan. I was going to find my own man. You know: a gift to me…

And I made some headway. By August I had successfully stopped contact with all lovers and ‘accidental’ friends (cyber lovers, drunken dials and Facebook flirts don’t count).

January saw my dalliance with a guy who was separated but still living with his wife. He didn’t mind practising kissing under the mistletoe when we were tipsy but when sober he reminded me that he didn’t plan to marry until he was 45. He had just turned 30.NEXT!!!

Step forward Bachelor number two: Mr April. Own business, serious and cute!!. We spent a lot of time texting. He gave great text. Who could want more? Apparently me.
On our first date he failed to turn up. Assuming (or kind of hoping) he had been in an accident, I found that he was no longer able to dial out, pick up or text. Turns out that he was already giving great text and sex… to his wife. I’m hoping she gave him the gift of breaking the bones in his hands.
So onto my August man. Yes my precious, I had almost convinced my mother that this could be the one. He’s fertile, (has kids), a hectic job (money and no time to monitor how I spend it) and no wife (a girlfriend). She asked me to send her a picture of him which I did. She then asked me to send me pictures of alternative sperm donors. He clearly clashed with her Christmas card photograph.

Now it’s December and I’m back to being realistic and circling the Tiffany catalogue. I just pray for the energy and patience to go on blind dates, flirt online and worse, pretend that I too want to eventually move to Nigeria and build an import business from scratch.

So what to do my precious? Let’s drink, be merry and enjoy the fact that only us single girls can get away with truly misbehaving this month! Carry lots of mistletoe, sing bad karaoke and make sure you are standing next to true potential at midnight on New Years Eve. This, I fear, is as much planning as a single girl can do.

And when you are filling my stocking please slip a few condoms in there for me. I think its time to find some new lovers to see me through the misery that is an English January.

Merry Christmas my precious!!

© Chelsea Black

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The Porn Files

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Categories: DATING, Read More, Sex

So, you think that you are adventurous with your one Ann Summers vibrator and a few raunchy novels? Well my precious, no matter how happy a man is he has a history. A PORN history and this is the file you need to tap into. Forget the ex file. That one’s simple. He couldn’t/wouldn’t commit. She flipped after 4 years and slashed his tyres/ football shirts/ music collection/ credit rating. Yep, we’ve all been there. The real drama is PORN.

Now you’re thinking, ‘not my man, I give him everything he wants and more’. No, you don’t. Most men desire more than matching undies, a blindfold, handcuffs and some chocolate body paint. (Don’t ask. Needless to say the sheets didn’t make it).

The first trick is to gain access then, quickly locate the heart of the man, the private collection. Send him out for some tampons then check everywhere including his internet history. Assume every man has porn and look for worrying signs of sex practises you’d steer well clear of when you’re drunk. Hey, if double anal penetration is your bag then go forth with glee! (and generous lashings of lube).But if you are more the “blow job on his birthday” type then make a plan to extricate yourself pretty quickly. But only after sex because you never know my precious, with the right man at the helm you may find yourself enjoying it. (Don’t ask. I just can’t tell you.)

Let’s not be judgemental now. Fantasies are a deep rooted thing based on early sexual experiences. He’s into Big Jugs Weekly because his first teacher had big jugs and didn’t wear a bra. Well, I guess they’re not that complex after all. Then again, I turned down a guy in a Soho sex shop who had been flirting a bit too hard with the blow up dolls. We all have our limits.

If you can’t find his stash then ask. Be careful, they are getting sneakier. My ex had all his porn on his computer – password protected downloads. He put up 15 minutes of resistance before I endured a long night of badly shot black porn. You know, with shots of the director’s friends in the background eating chicken? It got so dire that I pretended to be just as turned on by the mother/ daughter / boyfriend scene just so that I could seduce him in time to watch Project Runway.

But know that this isn’t about him. It’s about us making a choice. I know a girl who broke up with her partner recently after he made her watch his favourite film, “The Secretary”. I thought this made him slightly quirky and open minded. She saw it as signs of a controlling obsessive nature with masochistic undertones. So you see how important the porn files are. OPEN THEM!

Hmmm, I wonder if it’s too soon to ask her for his number? Nite my precious

© Chelsea Black

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