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Pay as You Go

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Categories: DATING, DATING TIPS, Misadventures, Read More

In the Black – Just saying no

Ok, confession time. Hi, my name is Chelsea and…..I can no longer date guys with pay as you go (PAYG) phones. It may sound harsh but here’s an ABC of why it just doesn’t work for me.

Addict
Cubana, Waterloo: my friends and I bump into a cutish guy. I say cutish because tight jeans don’t really look good on any man do they? Ok, I think I picked him up so clearly logic had been drowned in mojitos.

The 2nd time he called he asked me to call him back as he was low on credit. Still naïve to the PAYG syndrome I acquiesced. He eagerly talked about himself for 45 minutes with very little pause whilst I played free cell and tried to remember what he looked like.

I tuned back in and it dawned on me that every story he had told centred on him being off his face on drugs. I explained that all my money is for my own addictions – chocolate, cocktails and clothes. Not cocks on coke. I thought we had a spiritual mojito connection but clearly our mobile connection was broken

Bi Guy?
Heaven, Charing X: I was approached by this pretty young thing walking around with his shirt off. My friends insisted he was gay. He said he was straight. It was 3am, I shrugged and proceeded to engage in some “snog” action (I know, how old am I?)

A few days later he calls asking me to call him back. I know my precious but the BODY! Numerous missed calls later and I was getting fed up. The final straw was when I got the old “low on credit, call me now!” text. I quickly dumped him by text as I figured this was in a format he understood. Is it so wrong that his phone habits bother me more than his sexuality?

Cheap
Benugos, Waterloo: The only clues I have of this guy are a few drunken photos on my camera. He called days later and quickly asked me what network I was on. He then said that he couldn’t really chat to me anymore because I wasn’t on his network and his credit was running low. I figured he meant that day. I guess our networks are incompatible because its been 4 months. Maybe he’s waiting for his contract to kick in?

Now you know me, I’m all about the phone foreplay. I love my blackberry and my service provider loves me for my commitment to their profit margin. So when a guy won’t commit to a contract what are the chances that he’ll commit to me? I’m not asking for 18 months you know. Just long enough for a chapter in his autobiography, half his assets or a really good holiday. So from now on its no to pay as you go. A girl’s got to put her stiletto down.

OR, maybe I should just avoid Waterloo…..?

© Chelsea Black

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Hold it in

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Categories: DATING, DATING TIPS, Misadventures, Read More, Tags: , , , , , ,

Hello. Just another column to make sure you are still out there.

If you recognise you, sorry!!

So I have a new theory on getting a man that’s so simple even I can follow it. As soon as you spot a potential SLS (shag/life partner/ sperm donor) do not leave him unattended for a second. EVER. Especially with your friends. I don’t care that you need to pee. HOLD IT IN. You’re really thirsty? Tough cookie, send a friend to the bar. Or that your make up needs attention. No girl should be wearing that much MAC anyway. (Yes you!)

One night I had just announced my latest romance to everyone. The signs were good. Physical attraction, all day communication and he had even mentioned the C word first. Yep, that’s right, Children! I in turn didn’t mention that I had their names picked out and was actively looking at wedding dresses and schools. See, it was the perfect relationship.

So a group of us met up in Moonlighting, Soho (don’t ask) and my good friend warned me to tread cautiously. At the time I was grateful because it’s nice when someone else has your back.

A few weeks later at Brown Sugar and the dynamics had shifted. I’m left watching their intense sexual chemistry wondering what I’m going to do with those hastily purchased wedding expo tickets. I cursed the night I let them catch the night bus together. So you see, the only back she was interested in was hers and getting on it. Meow.

Then on a recent group holiday to Rome I bumped into this guy outside a bar, Anima. He was THE best person to explore the nightlife in Rome. A real bar-fly just like yours truly. Well that was it my precious, I was hooked. I introduced him to the rest of the group (mistake numero uno) and got my flirt on. But then, the club got fuller and afraid of the dreaded glisten/sweat natural hair effect I rushed to the busy bar to get some water (mistake numero due). 20 minutes later I stumble back only slightly refreshed to find him slow dancing with my friend to the latest Justin Timberlake club track. I hate JT. I was left chatting to the strange friend obsessed with pizza making techniques. I asked if he’d ever heard of Dominos. As an Italian he didnt seem to get Pizza irony.

At our age, be sure that whomever it is you have your eye on, your friends will have spotted them too. Yes, your shy, quiet girlfriend who is supposedly still into her ex is now your potential SLS’s girlfriend. Oh, they will plead their innocence as they are walking down the aisle. And you? You’re the bridesmaid with the too bright smile or the godmother to a child that screams when you hold her because she knows what really went down that night.

So my theory is simple; it’s about who can hold it in the longest. So flex THOSE muscles my precious. You never know, it might just help you keep him too 😉

© Chelsea Black

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Dear Santa

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Categories: DATING, Dating Challenges, Read More, Tags: , , , , , ,

Dear Santa

Now, I know, (like lots of men) when I talk, you sometimes don’t hear everything I say; but PLEASE, after last years Christmas Prayer I really feel that I am going to have to be a bit more specific if we are going to crack this 2nd husband thing.

I know that you are busy Santa, and that there are too many women out there in the same boat as me, but to be perfectly honest I think with a little Chelsea team work we can crack this thing by Valentines’ day. So here is my Santa gift wish list for the coming year:

Single
I really am not one to share. So when one guy proposed to someone else just two weeks after we broke up I realised that he had been a time share. It’s also bad that I have accidentally dated married men. Santa dear, can’t you mark them? Maybe a partridge tattoo on their neck? I might be regularly merry, but I’m not ready to be any man’s hohoho.

Ambitious
Oh Santa, bartenders and students are great but it’s not so much fun when they are over 30, eyeing up your flat as if it were their new home but still on a pay-as-you-go contract. I don’t need a professional man, but, seriously, someone who can’t get a T mobile contract? Please sprinkle some tinsel their way and give them the gift of wanting to be the best that they can be. If I have to sit through another old home made rap / band CD I think I might be spending New Years behind bars for assault.

Nubian
I know it doesn’t snow much in Africa but I would still like an African diaspora Nubian elf to erm… help me fill my stockings.

Trained
I really thought you had cracked it when you brought me the divorcee. On Skype it was hot, exciting and I almost believed that I heard angels sing. Hark! On dates he was constantly late and made love like an over eager adolescent. I was bruised by his clumsy attempts and nursed bite marks for 3 weeks afterwards. I don’t mind tweaking Santa but he needs to know how to make the angel on the top of the tree light up. At 40 surely he should be trained by now?

Accessible
Don’t get me wrong my precious Santa I have had real moments of fun this year, but it has nearly all been on the internet with men on other continents. Please can you sleigh some of those fine men over here? I will gladly pass the gift of cyber sex on.

There are obviously other things I want, such as good health, wealth and for the annoying woman at work to get sacked, but we can focus on those separately (Please see attached Appendices A to G marked Private and Confidential) So to all the single Bells out there: Merry Christmas my precious as we try to find our very own Mr. Jingle.

© Chelsea Black

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