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The Crazy Wait

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The Crazy Wait

I recently got sent this text conversation (thanks @chicbeautyblog)  between a girl who had slept with a guy called Kevin and then texts him asking him out again. She then text stalked him as well as waiting outside his house to see him and…yes it got pretty crazy.

I was in tears of laughter and just couldn’t believe that any girl was that crazy and then I remembered….the waits, the crazy why am I still here waits! These are a phenomena the modern man has created to drive normal woman into screaming banshees. I’ll give you a few examples. Please my precious submit these as evidence if ever I’m arrested for some crazy incident where some guy has made me wait too long. Something tells me this may happen sooner that we think

1)      Snowed in?

We had been emailing and texting for months. You know the types of texts you wouldn’t really want your mother to see. What can I say he was big. Then,  when finally the opportunity to travel up north….well north of Watford came up for work we agreed to meet. I told him where I was staying he told me that he could meet me there at a restaurant nearby and so I went. It was a snowy day and I trekked through the snow to get to the restaurant. Ok, the pavements were cleared and the snow alerts were for the next day but any chance of a bit of dramatic nostalgia had to be taken, right?

I get a text saying he’s stuck in a meeting. At 8pm? My my how the public sector has changed. I order a drink…..and 3 courses later he still hasn’t arrived and the texts are getting more worryingly ambiguous. I order mint tea after mint tea whilst the wait staff give me those pitying looks and start clearing up around me. Then I get the sorry text. He wasn’t coming. I’m still not sure what the better offer was but why put me through the wait of shame game. It’s only fun for the person who doesn’t turn up. And I wasn’t even in London where I would have sought solace in a late night Soho shop.

2)      Surprise

I’ve mentioned him before but the one who was so hot and heavy then sent me a text on my birthday saying he was on his way to the club. That was 3 -4 years ago. All I can say is that’s some messed up traffic around the Hendon area. I sent him a text the next day as I assumed he was in a hospital somewhere and would be in need of some grapes. He sent me a sad face back. Seriously you couldn’t even be bothered to explain you just emoticonned your way out of that one? And yes I’ve decided that emoticonning is now verbalicious. It is not something that a man over 25 should use to express an apology. Turns out the Mrs suspected he was up to no good. And I found out that he had a Mrs. Might have been nice for him to mention that inhis poetical late night conversations.

3)      Silence

You have a date and it was good. Maybe even better than good.  This is rare my precious so you can’t help but hope he’s not going to turn into a twat and not call. You are assured that you are going to hear from them again and then…silence.  Your friends who are also single and prone to advice that is really sabotage say that you should call him because after all aren’t we modern women who read cosmo. But you know that if you call him then he would accuse you of being too clingy and not giving him space. Men and space.  Buy a bigger place if you want frigging space.

One did this to me and then tried to start chatting to me AGAIN on the site we had met on a year later. I don’t even think I had changed my profile pictures. I was like, dude we’ve already been out and he was like, Oh! Yeah you’re right! So why didn’t you call me sis! Because my brother you said you would call. You know they are scraping for excuses when they try adding a sis in there.  The old switcheroo.

So after a rethink I can see why some women flip. It’s not you and your crimes MY BROTHERS. No you are just the last dick that broke that poor girls spirit and did something stupid like make her wait at Victoria station in winter for 45 minutes whilst you posed in the mirror at some gym somewhere. What is wrong with people. England is cold!

The good thing is that it is temporary insanity when they do flip. Now I don’t bother to wait. 20 minutes without a text and I’m onto the next thing. 3 days postdate without a call/ text or pigeon dropping for a sign and I assume that you’ve tripped and fallen into a p**sy somewhere.  Because we know that all that waiting isn’t because you are trying to make yourselves look pretty for us. No, it’s because another one of your options popped up.

When this happens to you ladies call a friend or better yet a backup. No woman should only be seeing one man when there is a risk that he is going to make you wait.  Call that friend and let them talk you off the crazy text / call you REALLY want to make. Because once you are labelled crazy there is very little you can do. Also texts are screen saved so you may find your crazy broadcast on a Timeline near you.

Happy Dating!

© Chelsea Black

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The Perfect Date

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So we keep on meeting and we flirt but not too openly because that would be crass and I’m a lady. Yes I said it. Who knows who else he has in his life and goodness knows there are enough idiots in mine so nothing happens and time marches on until 2012 arrives.

Then out of the blue I get a missed call from a number I don’t know. Not unusual as you know me and my phones are parted regularly. I still mourn the loss of my pink flip blackberry in 2010. I call back and it’s HIM! I don’t even have time to be nervous as he quickly gets done with the small talk and asks if I want to meet up for a drink that night.

Hmmmm, this is awkward as I do have a 3 day + 3 hour pre date routine that must be booked in advance but…he’s cute and I really wasn’t looking forward to yet another night of Come Dine With Me on 4OD. Any show that makes me feel like I would stand a good chance of winning Masterchef can’t be healthy right? So I say yes. I don’t even have time to call my friends to bash out outfit choices and strategies as we are meeting in 2.5 hours. This is a major panic stations moment.

I take an executive decision. A cab so that I can wear ridiculously silly heels that make my legs look slim yet shapely enough that they won’t break. I don’t want him thinking I’m one of those delicate woman. Then again he’s seen me command a buffet table at a networking event. He knows I eat.

I look at the hair…not enough time to wash and blow dry but do I wig it or no? Eventually I drag out the hairdryer and straighteners. I’m going to have to make time for this. Don’t be fooled by the name. Natural hair can be such a bitch to manage at moments like this. It has its own schedule.

Then I go through the inevitable debate…will he be coming home with me? I know my precious it’s too soon but I can move surprisingly fast when inspired or drunk. Don’t judge. So I quickly change the bedding, chuck everything into the spare room (I must get a lock for that room) and decide to give the legs and flange a quick once over for luck. Chances are if I commit to hair removal then I’m coming home solo.  It’s like a jinx.

Then there is that inevitable crisis of confidence. What if this isn’t even a date!?! I mean he said a drink. He may be trying to broker some sort of business relationship. Whilst my bank manager will welcome this news can I really go into business with someone I want to see naked?  Hmmm, maybe I need to rethink the fuchsia short dress which screams take me off. Instead I go for that always ready black dress with the small waist for extra definition. Yep, I look edible. Quick spray of Tresor and I’m ready!

I hail a cab Carrie Bradshaw stylee. This is why I love my area. There are an abundance of opportunities to play dress up and not have to take the tube. I arrive with minutes to spare. Enough time to check out where the bathrooms are and work out which cocktail will get me relaxed but not ridiculously tipsy before he walks in. Yep best stay away from the tequila. He’s looking fabulous in a suit that looks like it was made just for him he walks over and does the European double cheek kiss before sitting down. There’s a look, we both laugh and the night begins. I know it was a good night because neither of us looked at our phones once. And you know how much I love my phone.

Drinks were amazing. I can’t fault Lover’s Lounge for its cocktails. Somehow drinks turned into dinner and before you know it the end of the night comes and he suggests that he takes me home. I say a little prayer to the dating goddesses that I had the foresight to clean up and skip to the nearest cab. Up to now I’ve offered to pay but have been turned down. “My treat,” he says and I melt. We get to mine and he walks me to my door and ….he refuses to come in. WHAT!

I try not to show my disappointment and smile sweetly instead. I thank my mother for those drama lessons when I was 10 as I had to dig deep to pull this one off. He rewards me with the simplest of kisses. You know those kisses my precious where it starts in your toes and liquid pools into your…yeah there. I sigh happily. Then he says he has to go. I’m tempted to say really but…I know this is not the time. Besides I stuck to my 3-total on the cocktails. I wonder how he’s going to get a cab at this time but somehow I know he has a plan. He is a man with a plan I will just have to trust it. I know I have to play this one out more carefully. He says he’ll call tomorrow. I shrug, give one my flutter of the eyelashesand walk into the warm hug my flat always gives me. Then I squeal with happiness.

Normally this is the point where I call the gang but today I just want to enjoy it and snuggle down into my lekky blanket with highlights from the night. I write in my diary and go to sleep. And the next morning, well hello, he calls!  And thus begins a beautiful dating story

Of course this is all a story. It never happened because sadly I don’t live in the movies I watch but just once it would be nice if it did.

Happy Dating!

© Chelsea Black

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The weak arse excuses list

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So here is the thing; no matter how amazing you are (and you are amazing my precious) at some point you will be subjected to some or all of the excuses on this list. Yes all men have a list. Excuses they will use when they mess up or want to break up. These excuses are passive aggressive as they are designed to sooth your ego and make you feel good about being dumped or cheated on. This doesn’t work as what you really want to know is the real reason they are leaving. Let me break it down for you. He is leaving to pursue other women. That is the reason. Not because you aren’t enough but because his love of new conquests is probably like my love of chocolate – eternal.

If you hear any of these then know that it’s time to grab your purse and run because somewhere along the way he decided you weren’t worthy of being honest too or he has convinced himself that you can’t handle the truth. Oh and be warned the other woman is probably already in the vicinity. My money is on an ex or someone at the gym or work. Rarely does a man dump a woman to be by himself. Who is going to sooth that massive ego and stroke that cock?

1)      I’m not ready for something serious

So here is the thing. You pursed me. I was happily living my life as a singletini then you came along with your talk of marriage and babies wrapped up in a need for us to be exclusive. I was perfectly happy to date you as well as many others but nooooooo you wanted it all. So why did you start something if you aren’t ready? Is this a practise run? Are you trying to ensure that your mack game is tight so that when you are ready it flows seamlessly? This one usually comes after sex but before any ring has been bought. Maybe the prices at De Beers told him that he wasn’t ready.  Worse though is when they have introduced you to their kids and family. When you are at his Uncles 60th pretending to help in the kitchen then he better be ready!

This is really code for ‘I was ready but then someone else has entered the space and is offering me sex without strings’. He wants in. Get out my precious.

2)      I can’t love you in the way you deserve to be loved

This was my favourite breakup line ever used. So I deserve better than you can give and yet you have only just come to this realisation after months of dicking me about. I suspect this one is really saying I don’t fancy you anymore but don’t want to say it and look like an arsehole. The most pivotal moment in my life is when an ex finally admitted he didn’t love me and never really had. This came after 6 months of me questioning him and finally he caved under the persistence. Yes no one likes hearing it but it was the truth and allowed me to go forth and date many more men. Hmmm, I don’t know whether I should thank him or put a hit out on him. To be decided at a later date.

3)      I don’t want to get addicted

Well isn’t this peachy. You’re managing your addictions. My issue is you have wasted my time for however long and now think it’s best to pull back before you fall in love? One guy I wasn’t even dating compared me to M&S biscuits. I think I was supposed to be impressed. But no this tells you that the person doesn’t want a diet of just M&S biscuits and instead has grabbed a trolley and is filling it up with all sorts of desserts.

 

4)      It’s too soon

Then stop sleeping over eating all my food and have a spare change of clothes here dude! It’s only been a year of this shite.

I don’t get this one.  Too soon for what exactly? Again I think just a case of too soon for him to commit to one brand of biscuits.

5)      She wouldn’t leave me alone

So you slept with her? Yes, that’s going to deter her from her course. According to the male of the species there is a tribe of women who hunt men and are relentless in their pursuit of their cock. I am yet to come across these women as they are elusive but all men have met them and used them to explain tripping and falling into her.

6)      She needs me. You don’t.

Forget Ms Independence my precious. Chances are he will leave you for a woman who is more dependent. Somehow they find this attractive even though they will tell you that they love you for your strength and independence. They don’t. It makes them feel redundant. So best you do what we all do and fake the odd vulnerability. NEVER ever fix anything in your flat. Call him. Don’t squash that spider. Call him. And if you are brave enough to have a car then make sure he takes it to the place where they do weird things to cars and charge lots of money. He’ll feel loved.

I had one who wasn’t ready for something serious but loved my independence. His next woman had kids, no real career and spent all her time clinging off him in clubs. Now you know I love me a public snog or 10 but this was like an audition for a sex video. He loved it and they are still together.

7)      I’m not good enough for you

Finally we agree on something but we’re willing to work with you regardless. That’s us compromising for the sake of the relationship. See how lovely we are to you, the undeserving?

I wouldn’t mind this one so much if it came 2 weeks into dating when they have realised how fabulous you really are but no, it’s months or years later before the light bulb goes off and they realise how unworthy they really are.

Here’s the thing, you may not be good enough dudes but this is a chance for you to man up and get there instead of limping out because you want someone else. LAME!

8)      I need to work on me and my money

If only this man knew that any woman worth her weight in salt (and I’m not light) will help you earn more money not less. Yes, yes we will help you spend it too but what’s the point of all that money when there are shoes to buy?

Any man that uses work or business as an excuse not to be with you clearly sees dating as work. It isn’t. If done properly then dating can be play. So much fun can be had in between you making your money.

9)      I need space to figure out what I want

Now that you have trained me into a super dating machine and lover I need space to chase all the women that need to feel the might of Thor. That’s what he called it. Don’t ask. It was more thin than Thor but who am I to ruin the role play ;) .

10)   The disappearing act

Realising that no excuse sounds pathetic enough to get them out of there without feeling guilty some take the cowardly option and just disappear. One never turned up to my birthday party….3 years ago and I haven’t heard from him since. Another left me ordering cup after cup of peppermint tea in a restaurant. There is something almost sinister about the disappearing act because it means to them they don’t even think you warrant a lie. They’ll argue it is because they respect you too much to lie but I can but disagree.

So there you go my 10 weak arse excuses that men make. I wonder if there are any genuine excuses for ending a relationship that men use? If so I’ve never really heard them

Happy Dating!

P.S. If he uses any of the above excuses please note that this means that any friends privileges are revoked. He clearly doesn’t think enough of you to warrant you listening to his tales of other women or work issues.

© Chelsea Black

 

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