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Blink and you’ll miss

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, Latest

A is for arrogance part 2

Just need to clarify that arrogance to me isn’t entirely negative. It’s a cocky confidence but not bordering on the boastful. But some see it as a negative trait. Kind of like lazy. I see lazy as having the ability to make time to do nothing but rest. I don’t confuse arrogance with those that brag about stuff they MUST know they aren’t particularly good at.

Back to Mr Arrogant and enter number 2 who I met after a concert in Brixton. I guess there were clues that we weren’t going to get on. He wore a t shirt tighter than mine and his muscles suggested more time spent in the gym than is legal for someone who has a job. He was an estate agent apparently. I’ve never met an estate agent that I was able to like. But, it was a slow night and a heady combination of boredom and Bacardi made me benevolent.  He was unusually sexually forward and I took the bait. No man could be this cocky without having the cock to back it up, surely.

He had a sports car. Nothing says penis substitute like a Porsche.  He offered me and my friend a lift home.  There was an awkward moment where it appeared that he was suggesting she stay over. I’m not sure if this was to conserve petrol or for a potential 3sum. Surely he couldn’t think he could handle both of us? My anticipation rose.

We got back to mine and straight down to business. I didn’t even offer him a drink. Just sunk to my knees and er, examined that bulge a little more closely. A few minutes later it was over and I stood up. I was still fully dressed. OK, clearly the anticipation had gotten to him. I waited for some word to suggest that this was not the norm. Nothing? So I suggested we get into bed.

Round 2 and again we didn’t actually get to the point of penetration. The only good thing is that this guy had a good recovery rate. The bad thing was this was a Friday night and I couldn’t use my early work excuse. Clearly he was a morning sex person I thought and went to sleep.

I woke up to him poking me. Eh up, things were starting to get interesting! Turns out he was going to try it unprotected?  Flailing widely I indicated that condoms were within an arm’s reach. He looked disappointed but acquiesced. 3 minutes later we were done and he mumbled something about condoms making him come quicker? Whilst he snoozed I struggled to get back to sleep. Not impressed we tried once more the morning after and still nothing that I could call adequate. By this time I wasn’t even hiding my look of contempt after all of his talk of things he was going to do to me back in the club.

When he left we did the usual “Call you later,” but, I never heard from him again. For all his arrogant swagger he knew that his performance wasn’t up to scratch. 4 attempts at hitting the pinada and he failed all 4 times?

That man was all talk and gym walk but no action. Full of hot air which left me deflated. I hope someone lets the tires out of his tires.

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

 

 

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Arrogance and Basketball

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A is for Arrogance part 1

I LOVE an arrogant man. It stinks of an ambitious and able nature that this woman cannot help but admire. The unnerving self-belief is so attractive, so alluring that I’m often ready to tear their clothes off before we’ve gotten home. Make them alpha men too and that’s it. I’m theirs.

But and there is a big but here, they have to be able to back it up. There’s no point in swaggering around with your legs wide open like your balls are too big for your pants when you’re blessed with acorns. (hint, stop with the skinny jeans)

I had one boyfriend at university who gave it the big talk. A basketball player he was adored by a lot of women but, he asked me out.  I don’t actually remember us going on a date. He would just walk me to places on campus and call on the internal phone system. It was free. But I was happy enough. His talk was bombastic and he thought he was the bees knees. I couldn’t help but agree with him.

All the delicious things this man said he was going to do to me.  I was almost nervous the first time we had sex as I thought, what if I couldn’t handle all he had to offer? 9 minutes later I discovered I could. This included foreplay. He mumbled an apology. I hastened to salve the male ego and clearly did too good a job as he turned onto his side, head cocked up his arm and said “So, how do you like me now?”

[scratch record sound]

Was this fool serious? I should have fired him then and there but someone had told me that when you were in a relationship you had to kind of make these things work. So begrudgingly we carried on going out. That was a long month of missed lay ups and rebound shots.

On our month anniversary we went on a group picnic. It was a very large group and as the train took us up a steep mountain he suggested we came back to the train later to….explore. Clearly he had a thing for sex in public places.

Turns out he’d also told all of his friends that we would be on said train so they could cop a look. This is the part that annoys me. With an audience he was able to break the 10 minute mark a feat which up til now he’d never managed? His arrogance was such that he wanted to impress his boys more than he wanted to please me? I don’t think so. We parted company as soon as that train hit the bottom of that mountain. Don’t worry my precious, I already had my eye on a tasty footballer who went on to prove the superiority of footballers.

So I’m all for arrogance but you have to be able to back it up with actual performance. Or at least be able to bounce back when you’re having a bad quarter. Otherwise it’s game over.

© Chelsea Black A-sexy.

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I apologise

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, Latest, Tags: , , , ,

I Apologise

A is for Apology

So he creeps back into the bed thinking she is asleep and then her eyes pop open. The next morning he admits to having been with someone else and says….I’m sorry. And Halle Berry says “Yeah you’re sorry. You’re sorry and you’re tired” And I never ever get tired of that line in Boomerang.

I’m not sure when it became law that men couldn’t or wouldn’t control their sexual urges. That they are so overcome by the mere sight of delicious cleavage or sexiness they crash cars or walk into lampposts. I blame perfume adverts.

I’ve written about strangers touching you in the Butt Effect but I still don’t get it. Our bodies are part of our heritage but they don’t belong to everyone. I don’t see a member of the opposite sex and reach out and stroke his cock. Oh the time I could save if I did….but I digress.

The other night I was hosting a party and a guy I had met a few times grabbed my butt. I asked him to remove his hand and he said something along the lines of “Well what do you expect? I’m drunk and you’re wearing that.” As his friends encouraged him by laughing I walked away. I was too tired to explain why he was a twat and not even worthy of an explanation.

Sensing my displeasure (ie I didn’t talk to them for the rest of the night) he and his friend later came to apologise. And here is where I take umbrage at the male of the species. An apology doesn’t rectify what you did. Oh you need to know how to apologise because you WILL need to. Trust me. But an apology should be saved for when you forget something that you should have remembered like the anniversary of the day you first said I love you , in which case say it with flowers and jewellery. Or, that moment when she tells you, “Don’t stop I’m about to come!” and then you finish….prematurely.  Please note that this can only be used once every 6 months. An apology shouldn’t be used as a quick fix to your craven Neanderthal actions.

I’ve had time to think about it and this is how that scene should have played out. He grabs my butt and I turn into a female Katy Kuba heel wearing Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon, kick him into the wall then floor, rise like an angry budda (belly) into the air and land on him crushing his ribs. Of course I would never do this for fear of ruining my precious Katy Ks. As he writhed on the floor in agony I would lean over, really close and whisper…… “I’m sorry”.

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

Join me and @MissTeeOffical for In Bed with Chelsea on www.playvybz.com every  Wednesday 10pm  – Midnight.

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