Worst dates you ask? One bad date stands head and shoulders above the rest. Well not head and shoulders as he is short but…..the blue ribbon goes to Mr Porsche.

We were introduced by a mutual friend at Steam bar on a night where I got so drunk that I was surprised to wake up alone. A few calls later and he asked me out on a dinner date. My favourite kind of date as you don’t have to cook. He suggested Kensington Roof Gardens then a party. Arriving 20 minutes late he pulls up in his baby, the Porsche and apologises for getting lost.

At dinner I ordered an apple martini. He did the same. I later ordered another and so did he. I asked him politely if he was planning to leave his car in Kensington. He told me that he could handle his drink and that we would be driving to a Nigerian party in the city after dinner. I told him any more drink meant no more date at which point he DID stop drinking but sulked all through the rest of dinner whilst sipping mineral water. I enjoyed my second and third apple martini.

On the way to the party I thought I would see my dinner again the way he drove through central London. We got there and he ordered a bottle of wine. I told him I didn’t drink wine and he said, “Iknow. This is just for me.”

He then danced and stumbled through a series of Nigerian songs, bottle in hand (no glass) getting more and more drunk. I berated myself for leaving the safety of West London. Finally he must havefelt drunk enough to make a move because he lunged at me pinning me to the wall and bruisingmy mouth as he attacked it with his tongue. A tussle ensued but everyone probably thought it wasa new dance move. I told him I needed to find the Ladies and exited stage left.

Nothing says hometime like a lip suction attack from a drunken date.I was thanking my lucky stars that I would never had to see him again when I realised I had his carkeys in my purse! So he had to come round the next day to pick them up shamefaced and hung over.He admitted that he had been too drunk to drive but would have tried to drive back to Essex. He also asked if he could see me again as we had had such a nice night. Add delusional to the list.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse I spoke to our mutual friend who informed me that hewas happily married with 3 kids!

So now my precious, most dates seem bearable in comparison to that one and I’m just grateful tohave made it out alive with only a bruised mouth to show for it. The apple martinis though were lovely!

©Chelsea black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups