As some of you know I’ve had issues with my Council over the postal voting. Between them and Royal Mail I didn’t get it then I was expected to take time off work to go and prove I was indeed me and fix their error. But I was determined to vote. Don’t ask me why as my borough is a Conservative strong hold and I can’t see that changing anytime soon. But, nevertheless I’ve voted since the day of my 18th birthday and I love it. Hell, I voted for Will Young in Pop Idols, Robbie Earle in African Strictly and One True Voice in Pop Stars the Rivals. See, even then I knew that Cheryl Tweedy Chav was evil. Bet you wish you had voted for Daniel, Jamie, Anton, Keith and the other one now, right?

Any way, I digress. I don’t know why I make a big deal out of voting. Reality TV proves that the British public are awful at voting and tend to go for the one who has been on a ‘journey’. Besides, nobody talks to the issues that are important to me as a singetini. We are the forgotten voters because we aren’t first time buyers or child credit folks or at risk of mansion tax. It’s the worst kind of discrimination and mostly because it’s never spoken about. (Ok, maybe not the worst kind but allow me a dramatic turn of phrase why don’t you?)

I’m not really sure that a Women’s party would necessarily be the answer and their use of a gmail email address put me off. But, we’ll see. As for the Green party and their under representative of BME candidates….when UKIP have more BME candidates than you then clearly you haven’t really addressed this. Maybe they don’t see it as important.

I tried to think about voting on who had the juiciest lips but this also failed. Maybe politicians aren’t meant to be juicy lipped? All the better to lie to us with?

Eventually I thought about what was important to me and, if I were a politician, the things I’d drop into a manifesto.

Free condoms – I don’t want to have to pay for sex. This isn’t fair for those of us who have chosen not to be in a committed relationship with one person who may or may not choose the same thing. Discrimination!

Free lube. Because dude! And it’s way too expensive. Why is it assumed that sex shouldn’t be pleasurable and free? You can get free condoms if you’re willing to hang out at clinics but no free lube? Wow, that’s rather optimistic of you NHS. Ok, enough of the free stuff.

Free travel – why is London so expensive to get around? Isn’t this what the taxes pay for? I would argue just charge tourists and those huge groups of kids from Italy every summer who take up the whole platform. Where are they going?

Free sanitary supplies – it just makes sense. Despite the lifestyle styled adverts on TV like bodyform this is not a lifestyle choice. Just drop off a stash every month like you do the thomsons directory or recyclable bags.

Dinner for 1 at M&S and Waitrose – I’m tired of buying BOGOF meat for a 3 generational family. Why can’t I just get one burger or one chop? I swear that this is why I’m bigger than I should be. No mention of the sweet treats which are also family sized.

Forcing farmers to grow smaller veg. Just for us – I think if I were to calculate how much food I throw away you would find that it’s a lot as I don’t freeze veg. Cant’ they put scientific research to good use and make singletini veg? I don’t need that much of anything to cook for one. I beg!

Make sexual street harassment illegal – from touching in the street and work to online harassment I think this needs to be considered a proper crime and not because you work at Goldman Sachs or some other posh bank / hedge fundy thingy and know they can afford to take the hit. To the guys on the tube who cop a feel and it’s not even rush hour or those that send photos of sub standard penises, this has to stop. We don’t want it. We don’t like it and, contrary to popular believe it’s not flattering.

Make rape a capital offence – Or maybe just cut off penises and hands. I’m still working on this one as clearly we want a deterrent and I’m not sure death is good enough.

Introduce licensing for dating – I was going to say parenting but that’s taking nanny state too far. I would love however for everybody to have a sex and relationship licence which could be revoked for major screw-ups. I also think that, like tenancy agreements, there should be sex agreements signed before the act which outline agreed acts and emotions. I’m done with having to listen to whining about their lives and loves. Let’s just do these….5 or 6 positions and call it a fuck, yeah? I also want relationship references. If your ex won’t stand up and say you’re a decent bloke then…nah. They can’t all be THAT bitter, dude.

No luggage or prams on the tube during morning rush hour – Where are you and your poppet going at that time anyway? Think of the others of us who are just trying to get to bloody work!

Anyway, I struggled out of my bed and got there for 7.30 to vote this morning. Nobody denies me the right to vote even if my vote won’t make a difference. OMG a new / old government is about to come into place. Can you sense my excitement? No, me either. But vote. You really never know. If Cheryl Tweedy Chav can get through with that singing then anyone can win. Yes, I’m still bitter.

Happy Voting!

© Chelsea Black 2015

 

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups