So today I had a Julia “Vivienne” Roberts moment. There are scenes from the film Pretty Woman that are imprinted on my mind. The bit where she(Vivienne) is in the red dress at the opera, the bit where he(Gere) climbs the fire escape, that hotel piano scene or where she’s walking towards his car and Kit says: “Work it baby, work it, work it. Own it!”

But my moment, alas was of the ‘snobby shop keeper on Rodeo Drive’ variety. As is often the case, on my way home I got distracted by the shops. I spotted this gorgeous dress in a window, so I went in and asked if I could try it on. “You do realise that it’s a size 8?” the shop assistant exclaimed, looking me over with disbelief. I nodded eagerly, that yes, if I don’t eat for 14 straight days and catch flu I too am a size 8 on top. Clearly she wasn’t fooled once she caught a glimpse of my African butt…but the dress puffed out from the waist. Honest!!

“And I think I should tell you that its quite expensive?” Well my precious that was it. This women had looked at my dazed and confused fashion sense and JUDGED me.
Carefully considering which of my cards I could put it on and whether or not I remembered any of my pin numbers, I figured I might as well do the 14 day fast now. Of course there was no Richard Gere in sight with a platinum credit card when you need one. Just the nervous guy in the CD collection with the greasy hair and smelly dog. Oh did I mention that this was a charity shop? Maybe Richard Gere types don’t do charity shops.

I was feeling confident and resolved that I wasn’t going to be defeated by a piece of fabric. All was going swimmingly untill…I had to zip it up. I popped my head out of the changing room and humbly asked for someone to help me.
I won’t describe the tussle that ensued my precious. It’s just too embarrassing . But needless to say it took all three shop assistants to do the zip up. I feigned calm, fought back tears and pretended that I wasn’t breathing in, cursing the panini I had munched for lunch and claiming (not for the first time) that I had IBS.

Realising that the dress nearly fit and that they were close to a sale, the shop assistants changed their attitude pretty quickly. I now had the age old dilemma: buy the dress I could ill fit into and afford or just tell them where to stuff their gorgeous dress and their boutique attitudes?
I am now the proud owner of a fuchsia David Fielden silk dry clean only dress which needs a team to get on. Erm… who is David Fielden ? But I won my precious I won!! And that’s what counts when you are having a Pretty Woman moment. The happy ending.
Happy shopping!

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups