June 7, 2011 by

My Funny Valentine

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Categories: DATING, Misadventures, Read More, Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

There is something rather special when you meet someone and they sell themselves as a traveller, a business man, a lover of romance. Their vision for the future is exciting and their sense of humour not too self-deprecating with a twist of darkness to save them from being boring. That said my precious there is a thin line between this and the Timewasters that seem to be common in the post 30 dating maze of London.

Clue 1

The first clue that this may not have been a heavenly match was him being a vegetarian. Not a criminal act in and of itself but my spiritual home is Nandos and it took me ages on date 1 to consider if I could justify buying a 20 wing roulette for one.  (Answer: I couldn’t).

Clue 2

Next was those late night calls which were cute at first but then I soon realised that I had become the reluctant counsellor for a man who was still working through some stuff.  He hadn’t travelled in years, seemed to have some debt issues but was generous in telling me how to sort out my own business affairs.

Clue 3 is that mid 30s he had moved back home. Again this is not my favourite scenario because it means that I have to spend an inordinate amount of time pretending to be a tidy person. I’m not.  Moving back in for a few months to save money is ok but he had been back for 5 years!!

Valentine’s day came and after a rushed afternoon of preparation on my part he turned up late, empty handed and in DIY trackie bottoms. Are people still leaving their houses in tracksuits and not going to the gym? WHY!!!! What pursued next can only be described as diabolical. I then didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks and just as my friends and I were getting tired of the dissection I receive a huge bunch of flowers and a massive tub of Supermix Haribos. Phew! He knew he had fucked up/ Dumping the flowers in a vase before getting stuck in to the sweets I thought, a beautiful apology and sweets go a long way with me my precious.  I’m a simple lass at heart.

Just as I was beginning to think things were back on track I get ignored for days on end before receiving cautious blackberry messages.  I then realised that everything was in crisis in his life. From missing a flight because he bumped into a friend on the way to regular put downs about my limited web skills.  And I can’t really forgive selfish sex. I’m campaigning for it is be criminalised.

Another lesson learned . People quickly show you who they are despite telling you who they want to be. But I will not be ignoring these clues again because try as I might to be understanding  I just don’t have the time for Timewasters.  Or to be spending that much time tidying my flat.

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups

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