November 15, 2011 by

My first (sex) date

5 comments

Categories: Misadventures, Read More, Sex, Tags: , , , , , , ,

Tired of internet dating in my search for Fubo (future boyfriend) I figured why not take a time out and try out these adult sites. So I signed up and was astounded by the response. Unlike match.com I got loads of interest. Apparently not only were there few women on there but few black women and fewer still with a photo of their butt as an avatar.  Don’t judge my precious, it was a great photo.

After weeks of false starts and men who thought sending a video of them wanking was cute I met a guy. He lived in Kilburn, worked in engineering and was 38. He was 5’8 so regrettably I put the Betsey Johnsons away. Oh and he thought I was sexy. OK they all call you Babes, Sexy and Darling so as to keep the names straight. But then I spotted that he had 8 inches where it mattered most and without hesitation responded to his email.

We chatted briefly and agreed to meet at 11pm at Kilburn station. Proper FB timing there I believe. I left another party early to meet him and patiently waited outside the station…..11.15 and he called sounding groggy like he had just woken up. He said that he was 5 minutes away. I contemplated going back to the party but I couldn’t go back without at least seeing this man. As I listened to my iPod I saw a short guy bouncing up the road and ignored him. This wasn’t my guy. Besides he had said well-built on his profile and this guy looked like he was wearing an inflated Santa suit.

Turns out it was him and his 5’4 self. I couldn’t hide the dismay as I looked down at him from my 3 inch heels. He didn’t smell right either but I couldn’t quite place my finger on it. Smoke? Surely he had ticked the non-smoker box.

We walked back to his all the while I was thinking about ways of extricating myself from the situation. Well I walked he bounced along like a Gummi bear trying to make himself look taller and younger. He was actually 48 and even under flattering street light he looked it.

Back at his and this wasn’t the flat he had described. It had a whiff of a crack den and he gave me a story about subletting from a friend who had really high housing allocation points. I sat on the edge of the couch getting increasingly dubious. The whole place stunk of drugs and cigarettes and the bottle of Hennessey on the table didn’t look like it wanted to be shared. It was practically empty.

I was just about to put on my best Hyacinth Bucket voice and make my apologies when he lunged. Tongues, hands, bellies attacked and pinned me to the couch. This wasn’t good but I kept saying to myself….maybe the 8 inches would be worth it. I tried to squirm encouragingly whilst gasping for deep clean breaths and trying to remember what time the Bakerloo line stopped running.

Then he took his pants off. Now, I’m no mathematician but that wasn’t no 8 inches. Halve that. I was fuming. He lunged again and I gave him the universal ‘talk to the hand ‘sign. I told him I wasn’t going to do it. He asked why. I shouted “Because You LIED!!” He seemed surprised that I thought anyone would tell the truth. I guess I too would lie about 4 inches.

Not impressed at 4 inches of gummi bear

It was an awkward walk back to the station but no regrets. I have my standards my precious and less than 6 inches just isn’t going to meet them. Hmmmm, I wonder if I should post that photo of my butt on match.com?

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups

5 Responses to My first (sex) date

  1. Christina

    Hey – This is SO funny (I know it can’t have been funny in your situation though).

    I have been on these sites and I find that getting them to send about a million pictures to you beforehand is the absolute KEY!!! You must get a minimum of say 10 pictures and preferably a few of their *magic Wand* too- just so you can judge for yourself if you would go there. Point out to them that IF they are lying about any of the vital stats
    I don’t know if I’ve been lucky (Ok I think I have actually) but have met decent men who WERE 6ft when they said they were, who did live in nice apartments and were clean and good in the sack.. But I must say SCREEN, SCREEN, and more screening will get you a good’un girl 😉

    Ugh- I was reading this :hand over eyes: thinking Nooooo please don’t let me read you went back there, but thank goodness you said no and didn’t go through with something you were fundamentally just not into!
    I am one to talk (no angel AT ALL) but it could have gone so wrong, if he didn’t want to hear a no (just saying honey)..

    I have a few good sites I could recommend to you, where even though the agenda *is* mainly sexing each other, at least the guys are willing to take you for a drink beforehand..
    I find this first step is a great way to show the guy “The Hand”, as you get a good hour or so to judge whether he A: Smells, B: is short C: Is fat D: Talks in a VERY annoying manner (yes been there)..

    Anyway- keep up the good work, love reading about other people’s experiences, and have considered writing a dating blog (have a different one) but it would definitely have to be 100% anon in my case – IF people knew :shakes head: LOL.. x

    • chelseablack Post author

      Hey there

      Yes after this first one I put in a robust screening process for all sex based encounters which included meeting for an hour before on a different day to test their annoyability etc. Those that said no to that were not granted any further involvement. My biggest annoyance is not just lying about physical attributes but lying about their intent. If it’s just sex fine but don’t pretend you want a relationship when you don’t. We are all adults

      as for anonymity, why do you think there are no photos on FB or twitter of me? Stalker alert. You blog about sex you are going to get pests. And not the sort that stick around and fix things. Useless buggers

  2. chelseablack Post author

    Nana sweetheart I am cursed by being the friend that others say is “hard to hook up”. I’ve asked so often and thus far I’ve not had one single friend hook up. Oh one of my new friends did try but then he saw me and cancelled on the night. Hey ho, I was destined to date randomly and write about it.

    I was a lot safer after this encounter. I met them in a public place for an hour and only an hour and did a mental health test. A few slipped through the net but I tended to tell others where I was at all times 😉

    Don’t worry I don’t do it anymore. It all got too exhausting. The disappointment afterwards wasn’t worth the trips to the salon 😉

  3. Nana Darkoa

    Hilarious! But why oh why do people even bother to lie about what they look like, and vital stats…they are eventually going to get caught out…and be dissapointed, like this instance. Stay safe though…sex dates sound kinda risky…why don’t you just get friends to hook you up with guys they know?

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