Enough about being single and the hunt for husband number 2. There is another relationship that has eluded me forever. Yes my precious, it’s more elusive that that of good regular sex and a guy who knows how to pay for dinner.

The off again off again relationship is….with the Afro Caribbean hair salon. Now I know that I don’t help myself with the wash, go and don’t care approach to natural haircare but that doesn’t mean I deserve these traumas.

There was the one time in Peckham where I noticed cockroaches on the wall. 4 braids in I pointed out our little visitor and she quipped that they had just gotten an exterminator in. 8 braids in and there was one on my leg. She brushed it off and stamped on it. I waited ‘til she finished, ripped off the gown, didn’t tip and fled! Ironically those were the neatest braids I have ever had.

Or the ones in Tottenham who kept asking me if I didn’t want to relax it? Erm, why if I have natural hair? I’m not opposed to the relaxer but the religious approach of hairdressers suggests that natural hair is impossible to manage.

In Woolwich she did my cornrows so tightly I looked like I’d had botox. This prevented me from giving a proper frown at the constant delays. They wash it and leave you in a corner whilst they do 3 other people’s hair and fix up their own.

There’s the time in Ealing I had to listen to tales of how the hairdressers girlfriend called the police on him cos he beat her up, again. Strangely for a room full of women the sympathy went to the male hairdresser! I was too scared to pipe up as he had a gleam that told me that he was not one to have a “domestic violence is wrong” chat with over hot tongs.

Or the salon in Nottinghill where she kept telling me she did the hair for the Zim chick from big brother. Didn’t Makosi wear a wig for most of the show? The breakage I experienced weeks later confirmed the wigs were a necessary evil.

Then there was the one in Shepherd Bush which looked promising. The first 2 times I got a great deal on a wash and blow dry. The third time I was made to hold up the broken sink whilst she washed my hair with lukewarm water and was charged 20% more for the privilege.

The worst crime for me is dragging their colleagues over to look and comment on the damage to your hair. That’s why I’m here. For you to fix it!

So now I have found one nearby which charges me double anywhere else but 80% less aggro. Gotta dash my precious, its Saturday morning and I have 4 hours in a salon to look forward to. Good thing is that I catch up with the celebrity gossip whilst I wait. Can’t say fairer than that.

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups