As you know my precious Valentine’s Day has been a series of curses for a while now. You can go through and read all of my V day disasters from the disappearing one to the one who….I can’t even recount them all. Too many to think about. So I wanted this year to be different. I thought the dating curse was finally broken and I was actually talking to someone decent. I say decent, I hadn’t worked out what his angle was yet. Turns out he had one – Commitment phobe.

That all went awry on 11th February. Call it the end of Mercury Retrograde or call it a cheap guy looking for a way to get out of giving me a card but he decided that this was the day he was going to tell me that he wanted toAfrican V day start a harem. I’m still not sure but 3 days before Valentine’s day was not a good look. He could have waited until I’d eaten my discount chocolate on the 15th.

I met someone else who asked me out. As one door closes another one opens and seems to be offering you everything you have been asking for. Maybe the curse had been broken?

It was a last minute thing and finally the universe was listening to me. He was African, the ‘right’ tribe according to my ancestors and, cute. You know that delicious look of freckles on yellow, sun kissed skin and a bouncable butt? Yes,that guy. The heavens smiled at me and said, you’re welcome.

The date started off well. He was buying drinks and I suggested that whilst champagne is nice Prosecco is cheaper and just as nice. I tried to pay my way but he wasn’t having it. That should have been my first clue but innocently assumed that he was being chivalrous or romantic. I’m not sure that it’s either but, ok. We drank up a storm and danced the night away. The rest of the crowd were a little young so the music was pumping which helped as I didn’t really want to over talk and integrate him on his life. I did learn that he had children and that the reason he had broken up with the ex is because he wanted a stay at home wife not a working wife. Clue 2.

Then he asked me a strange question about tattoos and piercings. I answered honestly that I had both and he haKeep-Calm-and-Fuck-Valentines-Dayd a mini rant about how, as a Christian and traditional man, these things were evil. I put this down to alcohol. Nobody is that weird surely. I don’t have tattoos on my face! Clue 3.

Anyhoo we stumbled home too many drinks later and fell into bed. Not a lot happened (he was a lizard kisser and I couldn’t feign much interest. I just wanted to eat the take away) and I woke up to that strange feeling when you don’t recognise the room that you’re in. It was a nice room but I was in deep west London. I started to get dressed when he started. He told me that I was a temptress and that I was trying to trick him with alcohol. He then told me to leave and that he never wanted to see me again. Doesn’t he know how one night stand etiquette works? You lie! You tell the other person that you will call them and then never call. And it wasn’t even a one night stand when no sex was had. How is this my fault.

I walked to the tube and realised that men have some serious issues of guilt and shame just like women. And I’m not the woman with the energy to deal with them. So I called up a friend and went to see him instead. Nowt like a Sunday brunch to cheer a woman up.

Hope your V day was better

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups