mr handsomeSo after the call last week Mr Handsome said he would call me at 7.30 to 8pm on Thursday.

25 hour later on Friday at 9pm I receive the following phone call :

Me: Hello?

Him: Hey! It’s me

Me: Me? (I really need to start saving numbers)

Him: XXXX !!

Me: Ah, hello XXXX

Him: Have your guests left yet?

Me: Yes they left today

Him: Good

Me: Good?

Him: Yes good so now you’re free

Me: (refuses to get into another Scandal weekend is a weekend planned argument so keep quiet)

Him: It’s funny my number isn’t in your phone. It happens to me a lot. My friend XXXX who works for  the UN……….thought he was in Germany…..didn’t know it was me…..but I recognised his voice …… (this goes on for about 3 minutes as I scroll through FB and like a few random posts)

Me: Hmmmmm

Him: So what are you doing this weekend?

Me: I’ve got plans remember?

Him: You do? What plans

Me: I’ve got something on tomorrow and then meeting up with friends on Sunday (technically any time on fb is a meetup so I’m not lying)

Him: So you don’t want to do anything with me?

Me: I’ve made plans. Maybe if you had called yesterday like you said you would I could have slotted you in (this is a blatant lie)

Him: I was being considerate and giving you more time with you guests

Me: Right….

Him: Oh, I was hoping we could meet up.

Me: What, in Turnpike Lane?

Him: How did you know where I live? Are you stalking me?

Me: (laughing) no.

Him: Then how did you know where I live?

Me: Er, you told me on the phone last week?

Him: Oh ok (sounds relieved). I thought you were stalking me.

Me: After 5 months of no contact you think I would stalk you? (still half joking voice)

Him: Yes, women are stalkers.

Me: Ok…….

LONG PAUSE

Him: So I just thought I would check up on you. And I’m calling you before I call XXXX so you can see that you are the priority in my life. Isn’t that nice?

Me: I’m hardly a priority because you called me first but ok. Thanks I guess?

Him: (insistent) Yes you are! I called you first. You’re welcome.

Me: ….. ok.

Him: So I’ll call you another time. When can I call you?

Me: Whenever but if you want to make plans then know that my diary fills up pretty quickly. Maybe a week before you want to meet?

Him: Well when you are making plans you need to make plans for us.

Me: Us?

Him: Yes, you need to arrange something for us to do.

Me: So let me get this straight. I don’t hear from you in 5 months and now you want me to arrange something for us to do? Why would I do that?

Him: Yes. Why wouldn’t you? I prioritised you with this call. You can see I’m serious!

Me: (incredulous) Are you serious?

Him: (serious voice) yes. I am. I just said that I’m serious.

Me: Ok so I’m not arranging something for ‘us’. If you want to arrange something and ask me out then fine but I’m not making plans to meet up with a relative stranger.

Him: Why not?

Me: I’ve got to go. I’m burning something (donuts don’t burn in the microwave but, whatever)

Him: I see! You’re a traditional girl. You want me to do the work.

Me: Yeah whatever.

Him: OK I understand now. You’re one of those!

Me: One of what?

Him: Those girls. You know.

Me: No, I really don’t (I think I do but I want him to say it)

Him: (laughing) You know! Hahahaha, ok Darling I’ll call you soon.

Me: Darling?

Him: (serious disingenuous voice) Yes…. darling.

And thus ends the second call from Mr Handsome. Something tells me that we would need couples therapy straight away because we can’t communicate.

©Chelsea Black

 

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups