#RandomThought   Me If I was a famous man I would just put my hands up and say I’ve been a dick before all of the women I’ve ever met start telling truths about me. I would write an apology outlining how I didn’t know about equality and not abusing my position of penis and why I only know now that I have a daughter, loving partner and brand I want to protect stroke I don’t want to ruin. I would state that yes, indeed since 2017 or the birth of my recognition that women ain’t taking that shit anymore have changed into someone who will be about to keep my dick and hands to myself.

Whilst I will struggle with this daily I will probably just groom the more vulnerable of women who aren’t likely to get a backbone thereby being an even bigger dick but my contribution to a charity or event will mean the public think otherwise. I would PR the hell out of this and resign / retire from whatever it is I do because I know my brothers in perv have me covered. My money will not suffer.

This all assumes I’m a heterosexual dick however. If I’m gay I’m not saying shit until I’m called out. You lot are going to have to call me out! I’m hoping at that point I will be able to use the internal angst of my sexuality battle and coming out as an excuse. I will misalign all of the then young men as money grabbing opportunists who want to use me to get work done now that they are old.

I will claim that my presence in a gay bar / club was merely research for a song / role. I will vilify the media for persecuting me as a gay man. I will probably get married to a man to prove that those heady days of grabbing by the penis are over and I am reformed. I will donate to gay charities and throw lavish fund raising events.

These both assume that I’m white. If I’m not white then I will say nothing. I will claim that the women (because I can’t be very black and gay really? Well not a lot) or men are trying to bring our people down with their malicious lies. They’re doing drugs.  I will claim they don’t understand the business and that this is why they aren’t successful. My boys will say they didn’t see anything as I pay their wages.

I will claim she liked being passed around the group and this was not videod They didn’t have the right work ethic or attitude to make it. I will call them out for not being attractive and being ghetto even if they are from the suburbs and aren’t attractive. I will make sure that my army of twitter trolls pours venom on them all the time, every day until they have to delete their account. I will continue doing what the fuck I like with other people’s bodies because I am a hero in my community and you all belong to me.

I will Bill Cosby/ R Kelly / Tyrese the hell out of this and attack the victims at every turn. . I will not lose any of my power or status. Unless it’s with a white woman then I’m kinda fucked. B*cky power means they have not only cornered the market in being harassed but they have commandeered #MeToo and white power will protect them from the savage African penis which….well you know the deal. Penis envy. size matters blah blah blah

Eish……Sorry Seal. Anyone know where Tiger is?  https://media.giphy.com/media/Ro1mO…

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups