I  know I just disappeared last summer and you were wondering if I had emigrated. Well my precious the answer is that YES I almost did emigrate. I was overseas attempted to invest in a lifelong property.

In Spring I received a friend request from a guy I dated briefly at university. He invited me to D.C. to come visit him and see if we still connected. An all expenses paid timeshare holiday.

It was a very exciting time for me my precious and I threw myself into this with my usual gusto. Waxing, facials, more waxing, pedicures, manicures, and even MORE waxing. Thanks to John Lewis I bought all new underwear that matched and accentuated parts other underwear couldn’t reach. I designed a wardrobe that could fit into once suitcase for 2 weeks. A black and red mix and match combination. And I got my hair braided. Who knew what humidity issues I could face?

So I arrived in D.C. glistening with anticipation and the lack of sleep one can only achieve in economy class. And there he was. And I fell my precious. Literally and metaphorically. That suitcase was heavier than I thought. We snogged in the car, shagged all over the apartment and pillow talked every night. It was the perfect holiday and somewhere over paella I decided that he was more than just a timeshare.

When I returned to London I spent hours with my virtual boyfriend om skype who was more attentive than any other boyfriend I had known. We made the sort of home improvements in weeks that takes most folk months. He came over so that I could show him all that I would be leaving behind and I was SOLD. This was it my precious; hubby no 2!

Then it was time for my second viewing. I fell in love the first time but the second visit is about looking for the flaws and suddenly my DC penthouse timeshare appeared to be subsiding. First he was late to meet me at the airport. Then the apartment was dirty as he had forgotten to hire a cleaner. There was no food in the house, he forgot to book my braid hair appointment and his ex girlfriend/ buyer was on the phone everyday. There were cracks everywhere. Then the car got clamped due to unpaid tickets and I discovered I was dating a man who hated to be alone and was over $150,000 in debt.

But the worst crime my precious was him forgetting to pay the cable bill. Turns out his previous buyer/ ex girlfriend hung around and had needed to borrow the money. I never got my all expenses trip reimbursed and couldn’t wallow in real life cable films

So with that I suggest you keep renting my precious cos buying is a nightmare in these economic times. And never overpay for a timeshare. You’ll never get the time back. Happy house hunting!

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups