Dance

So yesterday I was at an Afro Cuban event where they insisted on crowd participation. You know, dancing along, clapping and repeating what the singer (cantante) said which was never any more than 2-3 notes. Yes indeedy, it was very taxing staff.

But as I looked around a room of liberals something disturbing seemed to emerge….many people couldn’t dance or indeed clap in time to the music? What nonsense is this? A lack of rhythm is inherent in all of us surely? An essential part of your Infant school music lessons? Beat that drum!

I was truly disturbed and I began to think about bad sex I had encountered in my rather sheltered life. Clearly I don’t get out enough if I assume the only thing that could possibly make you dance badly is too much alcohol. It hit me that sometimes the most promising of starts could quickly decline into disbelief as our rhythms never align. I’m a 4 over 4 girl or when lazy 2 over 4 but perhaps I’ve been getting with guys who are 3s?

In my head you dance better when drunk. I remember The Cuban and how I ignored the fact that he was older (hiding beneath a low hat I didn’t really see how old until our date) because he made me believe for that one night that cocktails and a partner who could lead made me ableto salsa like Alesha Dixon. Alas sober this isn’t the case but the basic ability to count without counting is still there, no?

One of my friends has a theory that some people dance to the melody and not to the beat and so I watched out for this but no. Some people ignored the melody, the beat, the people near them and even furniture as they flung themselves carelessly in what can only be described as some sort of dancing seizure. What kind of lovers would these people be?

I recall a guy at university who was a virgin (so we will forgive him) who lacked rhythm. To be fair I think he had it but trying to incorporate it into sex was something he was yet to master. I woke up the next day to bruised thighs and an overwhelming sense of resolve never to have sex with someone who hadn’t yet learned to control their body movements.

Maybe it’s because Top of The Pops is no longer around to remind me that many people just don’t have it. But I’ve just added MUST BE ABLE TO CLAP and MOVE TO THE BEAT onto my list. Let the rhythm void people get together and leave the rest of us alone. It is good to get a test of rhythm date in there early just to make sure. The next time I see a guy fling himself to the music or incorporate hops into his repertoire I’m going to grab my purse and run. I just can’t. Dance and sex are just too similar for me to ignore the signs.

© Chelsea Black

P.S. Just because they can dance doesn’t mean they will be a great lay. As we have seen ladies it minimises the chances of injury yes but doesn’t mean you will enjoy it anymore.

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups