So this is it my precious. Despite all of my disastrous dates of 2008-2011 I have taken the decision to start dating again. I know, one more single black woman out there past 30 is not what London needs but I am a dating connoisseur and surely that means that I can approach this dating nightmare more methodically? Yes, this is my new approach to dating and so I have written some guidelines to help me out. I’m starting with the NO items.

NO internet dating.

I have come to the conclusion that Mr Black is not on the internet. My Fubo (future boyfriend) is too arrogant, too busy and too damn sociable to internet date. Kind of like me except…. I have the time. So I have suspended all of my accounts because there is nothing worse than hopefully opening up the email of some guy who viewed your profile only to find another 50+ year old white guy from Holland. What do they feed them there? Optimism Oats?

NO pity dates / date coaching

I think most of my bad dates have shown themselves early on to be doomed. From those who tried to trick me into a date by making it a friendly excursion to those that are one Nandos away from the Psychiatric ward.

And so I take a vow to no longer say YES to a date just because I feel sorry for the guy. I don’t want to date those that are victims or seem pathetic at the outset. I no longer want to  watch Supersize vs Super skinny just in case I need to help him with his eating plans or find out which is the best benefit balance for him to maximise his income.

Leading neatly onto those that are looking for emotional support. Those that are transitioning whether it be work, marriage or life. (Like you hit 40 and decide it’s time to grow up?). Come to me when you are fixed. I don’t date coach anymore. Especially as you then tend to take the new and improved you on a dating road show afterwards.

No Dohs

And also, I know it’s wrong but unless English isn’t their first language I am not going to say yes to someone who says DOH instead of though and writes everything as a text. How will he help our children with their homework? Huh?!? Not a good look.

NO sex before date 6, no 5, erm maybe 3?

I’m not sure if I’ll stick to this one and I don’t want to lie to you my precious but there is a large part of the population who believe that no man will respect a woman if he sleeps with them early. But then I don’t want to have sex with someone after 6 dates and we are incompatible. However it seems many men either respect the challenge or need to learn to respect women despite when they sleep with them so sadly for most this holds true. But, not my Fubo (sends a quick prayer)

No timewasters

A tricky balance between not wasting my time on those who haven’t figured out what they want and taking the lead in the dance. I say this, if a man has a plan he will tell you or show you were you fit in. If you are peripheral you will quickly feel it. Run my precious, run for the retail therapy.

Right, now I have to think about my list of YES…….the 5 Cs (big) cock, collateral, confidence, committed and cute. That was too easy, right?

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups