Is this 2019?

The dinner bait

It started out so well. I went to meet with one of my clients late on Friday afternoon. So late that dinner hour hit and she suggested we go out to eat. Do I like Turkish Food, she asks me. I tell her that I had planned on some Pepper and Spice on the way home but, ok, I can do Turkish. Turns out that I can’t as they don’t do Gluten Free but that’s a whole other story.

I had seen her texting ferociously throughout but she does this all the time so was surprised when she announced that her cousin was joining us for dinner. Yeah, sure, whatever. By now I was just too hungry to care. She goes to let him into the office and then disappears to the toilet. I’m sitting on the sofa trying to remember what I can eat at a Turkish restaurant. Besides, my client has sooooo many cousins I think it’s one of the ones I’ve met before?

The set up

Enter the cousin. It’s not the same one. He’s probably in his 30s but looks like he’s lived a hard life. He has teeth missing. Poorly moisturised skin. He’s shorter than me and, I can still shop in Top shop petite. He comes to stand in front of me eagerly and, his flies are unzipped. I do the universal look down and lift my head up to indicate the problem but, no, he’s too busy giving me a toothless monologue to notice.

Did I mention the wedding ring? I don’t think anything of it all until my client’s toilet break extends to an uncomfortable 15 minutes. We have exhausted all the small talk and I smells a set up. Married friends, please stop doing this shit. Not every man is a potential hook up. This one looking for a second wife isn’t even potential!

We get to a restaurant and she explains that he’s her cousin but technically they could still get married. OK. I look over and now his wedding ring has switched hands. Oh no, does this mean he thinks we have a chance?

I want to tell them I don’t really do polygamy. I’m not Muslim and I am terrible at learning languages (I’m struggling to understand his English so would have to learn his language obviously)

I also don’t want to be a step mum to 4 children whilst breeding more. I want to tell them that being toothless with an NHS Dental service isn’t acceptable. I want to bring out the E45 cream in my bag for his face.  I want to tell them that I am just not feeling this match.

The doggy bag

But wait, this is 2019, I don’t need to mansplain my no. This concept that any man will do, even a toothless, married shorty is not only insulting but suggests that all single women are desperate. It’s other people’s discomfort with single women that’s the problem. An inherent need to ‘fix’ us so that we are not a threat to other men and women out there.

So, I ask for my lamb chops to go and head home. 2019 we are going to do things differently. Not everyone is a match maker. Not everyone thinks you deserve a relationship of you own. No, I must share with 4 children a first wife and a very y large extended family. I must learn a whole new language when I’ve been struggling with French for 6 years? NAH!

Happy New Year All and may your 2019 be blessed with all your heart desires.

© Chelsea Black 2019

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups