Sorry my precious but I’ve been REALLY busy. I mean hectic. I haven’t done any washing in a month and the hoover is more modern art than a cleaning device.

I say this so that you can understand why it is that I don’t know whose underwear it is. Yes, yes, I know that ideally a woman would know immediately whose Y fronts she found on her bedroom floor but SERIOUSLY it’s a 50/50 toss up.

The first guy was a random pick up on a bored night out. You know, the sort of club night where everyone is waiting for the party to happen? Well we made the night happen for ourselves and went on full flirt mode.

Long story short, I hook up with this Italian guy apparently from the part of Italy spelt K-o-s-o-v-o. His accent kept slipping. Now I’ve only heard good things about Italians so I was shocked when I saw it. It was so small! Not wanting to be a size queen I decided to get to work. It wasn’t helped by the fact that he was a talker. “Yeah Baby, make it grow, make it grow!” I felt like asking him what with, Miracle Gro? I am but one woman. Let’s just say it was the least uncomfortable blow job of my life. No gagging, no loss of breathing. And that’s not a good thing cos it meant no orgasm for me.

Step forward candidate no 2. Now this one is my regular sex mistake that happens after 2am aided by copious amounts of vodka. This brother is all about status and being deep and for about 5 minutes I thought a potential sperm donor. So could he really wear Y fronts bought by his Mother in the last recession? Say it isn’t so! I’ve added a picture of the Y fronts onto my phone next to his name. It will serve as a reminder that not only does he potentially wear bad underwear but the sex put me to sleep. Or was that the alcohol?

I am worried by knowing I (potentially) had sex with someone who would wear Y fronts. Why hasn’t he claimed them? Is HE too embarrassed? Did he whip them off whilst I was in the loo? It also means that judging by the size, this guy has a bigger butt than I do! And mine isn’t small.

Clearly I cant ask either of them if its theirs. So if you are reading this and recognise them (grey with a black white & grey band. Possibly M&S but the label is so worn that I can’t really be sure) then sleep better knowing that they’ve been thrown out. No need to thank me. If you hurry, I’m sure he can make the Calvin Klein sale. Tell him, go black, it’s slimming…unless he’s Mr Kosovo. Then erm, stick to white.

That’s it, I really need to start putting the light on.

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups