Guardian Soulmates

I’m not a GS virgin. guardian soulmatesLast time was a nightmare of guys from new East London who rode bicycles and asked me about my political views, talked about their gap year work in Africa and asked deep questions like what was the last book I’d read. When I told them I’m a porn and Mills & Boon fan they promptly disappear. I like that about liberals. They don’t bother to try to persuade you that you’re misguided. They disappear or talk about the existential angst of our society or some such shit. I reached out to the brothers but they weren’t biting and I’m lactose intolerant so I soon gave up.

But last week my friends were out for dinner and after a year of fucking and bliss declared that they had met on Guardian Soulmates. So today as I was talking to one of my besties and we were thinking of ways of improving my dating numbers for 2014 I figured, one more try*? Surely even I can get to 2 dates in a year?

*Yes I’m full of George Michael songs today. I spend copious amount of times listening to him hoping this isn’t the day a bad news story breaks about my Wham crush. Yes I always, always like the gay one before they come out. Stephen Gately, Mark from Westlife, Lee Ryan. I draw the line at H from Steps and Johnny from NKOTB. Even I have standards. But I digress …internet dating !

The difficulty now is that internet dating has become a little too formulaic so everyone has moved onto these apps like tinder. I tried that one too and was dumbfounded by the number of men who matched me 80s-george-michaelwhen I didn’t have any photos up there. Besides I think I was seeing the same people that live in SW London because I didn’t want anyone more than 45 minutes away. Can anybody find me somebody to love?

But Guardian soulmates is meant to be the crème de la crème of ‘middle class, reasonably priced because I’m still in a flat share’ dating. But the dudes all want someone younger than them? This shows that they have the self-awareness to recognise their immaturity even if they can’t articulate it. They all list music bands that I’ve never heard of but probably won a Mercury 15 years ago and are just not getting the recognition they deserve.

What we have in common is that we think Never mind the Buzzcocks hasn’t been the same since Mark Lamarr left and that ITV and the Metro is evil personified. But after that we part ways. They never voted for Will Young in Pop Idols or Robbie Earle in Strictly Africa. They don’t know all the words to songs by Jermaine Stewart or Jimmy Sommerville. They don’t even air guitar drunk. What kind of man is that that will look at my naked lounge dancing and frown disapprovingly because it’s not lyrical or expressive enough?

There was one. He was cute for a mature dude, beardless and had a witty banter. But he rode a pavement scooter. There’s no space for two on those things.  It’s a child’s toy for fuck sake. Not even one of those mobile scooters that would be really handy for shopping?   Worlds Fastest Mobility Scooter 1He also only wanted to date women under 31 despite looking the wrong side of 50.

But as George sings so eloquently, I can’t make you love me and you, Guardian Soulmates, can’t make me love bearded, vegetarian liberals in shirts and no ties. No siree!

Then it hit me. The site for likeminded people exists for everyone but me and FuHu. Clearly neither of us are committed enough to anyone genre of people. We’re not hipsters! I’ll probably find him at Waterstones sneaking a peak at the erotica and pretending to be into the artful covers. One day, just, not today. I had to work late. But, one day.

© Chelsea Black 2014

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups