As the week rolls to an end and another media flash fire dies I say a quick Easter prayer that I’ve done it. Can you believe I still haven’t read the Samantha Brick column? I can’t bring myself to do it as it’s a Daily Mail piece. That in itself brings me out in ugly hives. But, now that Samantha  and I are friends (I think I wrote the nicest piece on her I’ve seen) and someone kindly sent me her mobile and house number which I ACCIDENTALLY promptly deleted from my site I feel it’s time not to berate the deluded woman but instead to bid her farewell.

No one else will tell you that green makes you look jaundiced or that perhaps your ex wasn’t that crazy to dump your arse. Or maybe that’s just me.  But my argument stands. I will never hate a woman for being beautiful. I will kindly ask her for her leftovers / sloppy seconds and keep on stepping. Because that’s what intelligent women do. They attach themselves to the thing that men want and wait for them to fail before snapping them up themselves. At least, that’s what my plain married friends tell me.

I know that the last few days haven’t been easy for you and that you have been vilified once again for being plain and blonde. But Sam here are my 3 helpful tips for getting your life into some sort of even keel.

1)  When posting pictures best you don’t add the glamour / soft lighting ones from the 80s. Even better don’t call it samsoft. It’s a wee bit naff naff. And the dog, was that to hide the budda belly. Let it hang out girl! It needs to shine too.

2)  The reason you will need female friends is that when hubby cheats or gets bored you need spies who will come and warn you. This gives you the appropriate time to move all the cash into your account then scarper back to Blighty. The FBI need more women on their staff. This is why they took so long to find people who were posting videos from caves. A woman would have tricked him into coming round for sunday lunch and gotten every location out of him in 2001. But I digress….

3)  Female friends are also a moaning buffer between you and your husband. No man wants to listen to the insecurities of women. Stupid questions like do I look fat / do I look too pretty? Need to be reserved for your girlfriends. He must only see the side of you that is confident and strong. Being vulnerable is not being moany Samsoft.

4)  Not having female friends is criminal because it is all about the sisterhood working together against the common enemy that is man. Just because you have a husband Sammy doesn’t make you any less a part of the sisterhood even if you are posing in bad photos in the enemy camp.

5)  Keep your chin up dear. It makes your neck look younger.

But Sammy I feel that your star is shining too bright in a world where my friend Ben says your writing is banal. I can’t even anticipate a well penned rebuke from you because as your website suggests, writing is no longer your passion. Peeing people off is. If only you were beautiful and could be a mature model in catalogue photos instead. You take some great photos.

So goodbye Samantha Brick. It’s been fun being on this short road trip with you albeit virtually. Alas the excitement of a long weekend will ensure that you are soon forgotten.

Click here for original Samantha Brick response.

P.S. Samsoft…a bikini is for the beach hun not for the gym. No wonder the sisterhood aren’t loving you. Have a heart. Put it away!

© Chelsea Black

 

 

 

 

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups