A-Sexy: F is for Friday night in OR Why I don’t internet date

So for the sake of some research I’ve been forced to go back to online dating. Trust me this is not something I’m doing willingly. I’m going to have to share my despair.

I signed up filled in all of the BS crap that one has to and uploaded a picture. Surprisingly in a dating recession I got 4 emails back almost immediately.  The photo isn’t that flattering. So here you have them

The 1st email was from a 5’5 white guy who was clearly obsessed with the gym

Ok I want to explore you ;p

I don’t know what I’m meant to do with this because my desire to conquer him isn’t there. He would fit into my purse, muscles and all.

2nd email I received was this one. THIS is why I don’t internet date.Oh and the fact that I can’t stand seeing how dire it is on there. Seriously dude? SERIOUSLY!

Hello my name is XXXX how are you doing i was looking on YYYYY and i saw you and thought to my self wow what are you doing on hear i am supprised to see a loving good looking woman on hear like you well i am mixed race i am single i live on my own i do security work i also teach self defences i love movies and some times going out for a drink, love art. so tell me about your self what you like to do were you like to go and whats your fav food are you a sporty person or a fashon well its up to you tell me what do you wont from your man to be.xXx this is my personal email

XXXX@hotmail.co.uk thanks for reading this xXx

I would like to add that XXXX lists some university as his education. How!

He is also an occasional smoker (weed by the picture) who is 41 (read 46) and 5’11 (read 5’7)

The next one I opened said the following: He lives with his partner so of course DVDs at his would not be an option.

I’m a white male,41,5’11,medium build,8″,looking for a female(any race),for nsa meet(s) for sexual fun & games. I can’t accommodate but can/will travel. If you’re interested & after the same get back to me with your details, etc & we can chat. Ask if there’s anything you want to know & i might tell you ;-). Only contact me if you genuinely want to meet. Hope to hear from you soon. If not, good luck ;-).

Is it wrong that I’m just happy that I can read it without wincing at the spelling?

Then I got this one

Wow ..wat a beauty!. Dame u’re cute.. i would love to hook up with u to get to know u , if u don’t mine.pls..i like ur style and ur sweet smile

Even my parents who are invested will tell you that  I’m not a beauty and this is an obvious cut and paste job. He is in his 40s. Way too old to be using this sort of spelling surely. And too lazy to personalise the message?

So research or not I’m still not a fan of internet dating. It is flawed. Let’s find something new please people I implore you.

Bangs head repeatedly on the laptop. Somebody save me from this hell!

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups