May 17, 2012 by

Faking it part 2

3 comments

Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, BLOG, Latest, Tags:

A-Sexy: F is for Faking it part 2

Not that I’m encouraging this practise you understand but this is a weapon you need in your artillery if you are going to try to make a quick exit from a situation once you have sobered up or realized that when he was talking measurements he was talking in centimetres you in inches. There are many a time you will want to get out of there quickly before the tubes stop running. Sex that bad is not worthy of a taxi. (this is why you don’t date more than 45 minutes away from your home)

  1. Practise practise practise. This is what masturbation is for.
  2. Porn is your friend. Watch for those that you find particularly convincing and try to reach those levels of real. This may be hard with all the fakeness in porn but some are really great. That said I think they are actually enjoying it!
  3. Ok when he’s not doing anything or gone soft best you don’t scream. Dead giveaway.
  4. Try to give your fake orgasm a background story. It is a character yes but where does it come from? What did it do before? What are its motivations. This will make it all the more believable.
  5.  Don’t just come out with it out of nowhere. It must have a beginning, a middle, a crescendo and then the big finish.
  6. Close your eyes and think of your celebrity crush. If he’s ruining with some silly chatter the cover his mouth and whisper “Shhhh, don’t ruin it!”
  7. Volume is your friend my precious but don’t overdo it and cause the neighbours to call the pop o
  8. Wait a few seconds before patting him on the arse and saying thanks I’m done. You are meant to be so moved by your petite mort that you are rendered speechless for a wee while. I suggest singing a chorus from your favourite ballad before attempting to get up.
  9. If you are going to fake it then learn how to fake sleep too. You will not be exhausted but this doesn’t mean you want to have a chat with him. It’s all in the breathing.
  10. Try to relax and enjoy your fake orgasm. This will make it more realistic.

Happy Faking!

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups

3 Responses to Faking it part 2

  1. IceQueen

    NEVER! I will never fake it….women who do this deserve to be headbutted ;-0 there are too many men walking around thinking they are good in bed when they aren’t because of women faking…

    • chelseablack Post author

      I agree lovely I really do but sometimes they aren’t even worthy of fixing or talking to. And also some of them don’t like to be told they were shit. Trust me it can end in actual fights!

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