The Fake Gay Guy

So on Friday I hosted an event at Bedroom Bar. As is typical at these events the new people come early, then the regulars bring their energy and finally you are left with the drinkers and last minute opportunists at the end of the night. You are never sure who you are going to have on any given day. I got Fake Gay Guy this time.

This guy was a friend of a friend of a friend. 2 degrees of separation is dubious at best but I’m a good host. He started asking me about some of the other women and I told him the little I knew. He then started talking about women demanding too much from men. This old chestnut? Just say you’re a lazy partner.  I stifled a yawn and nodded in sympathy. He asked me how much a man should be bringing home a month and I told him my thoughts. For those that know me you know that zone 1 and private school have to be an option. What if the FuKis aren’t too bright and we have to rely on their sporting prowess or stage school for a pension? I have to consider everything. I can’t take risks.

He seemed to find this outrageous and I had hoped that it would be enough to put him off but no. He told me how he worked as a lawyer in construction and lived in St. Johns Wood. Immediately I dismissed him as I can’t date another lawyer. They’re a breed of their own. He told me how he would love to take me out and I told him that I was on a dating break (from lawyers) and that I was enjoying a stint of celibacy. He proclaimed that he would wait for 6 months for me.

Then, sensing that I may be his best chance of getting his leg over that night however he decided that pretending to be gay would be his best way forward.  He moved closer in and pumped the cushions behind me forcing me into this awkward sitting / lying position. This was not good.

Fake gay guy: you look like you enjoy kissing.
Me: no more than the next person
Fake gay guy: I can tell by the shape of your nose.*tweaks my nose causing me to need to sneeze*
Me: Right! So what do your big lips say about you?
FGG: I don’t read lips I read noses. * reaches over and tweaks my nose*.
Me: can you stop doing that please.
FGG: It’s ok, I’m gay!

fake gay guy 2So let’s go back. The guy looks like a West African Uncle in training. He has the belly already, the casual Friday work jumper  and shoes that screamed bought because they are sturdy and on sale. I’m not saying you have to be metrosexual to be gay but this one wasn’t convincing anyone.

Me: Right! So is there anyone in the bar that’s caught your eye tonight?

FGG: You

Me: But I’m not a man.

FGG: I know but I have always wondered what it would be like to be with a woman. Where do you live? I’ll take you home.

Me: What the….how old are you

FGG: Guess

Me: [Looking at him carefully and assessing his look and face I decide to take 5 years off] 41 ?

FGG: [Hurt] Are you joking?

Me: Er, no. 39?

FGG: I’m 29

Me: Well I wasn’t too far off then……[awkward silence]

He moves away from me clearly offended by my guess. I want to tell him about the power of facials but I don’t think this is a good time.

FGG: So tell me what do you look for in a man?

Me: The usual, confidence, sense of humour, kind etcfake gay guy

FGG: I’m not talking about a relationship. I’m talking about a one night stand.

Me: I don’t do one night stands.

FGG: I’m sure you could make an exception for me

Me: No. I really couldn’t.

FGG: But I’m gay remember? So you would be helping me to try something else. [does a Bangles style Egyptian hand gesture which I think is meant to be a mincing hand but I’m not sure]

Me: Dude, give it up. It’s not going to happen.

Eventually the others see the desperate glances I keep giving them and we head home. A group of us walk to the tube and I tell him the best way to get to the Jubilee line from where we were.

FGG: I don’t need the Jubilee I need the Northern line.

Me: I thought you lived in St Johns Wood?

FGG: No, I live in Hendon. So can I have your number?

Me: No.

I’m guessing he’s not a lawyer either but despite that I just shake my head and walk to the district line.  Maybe next  time.

P.S. and according to urban dictionary fake guys is not that uncommon. Guys do it to get laid. Who knew?

©Chelsea Black

 

 

 

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups