I’ll keep this one short and sweet as I have to go and eat. Now, I know that Friend Requests are usually something that we reserve for…friends but there are some friend requests that I absolutely hate. Behold! My friend request rant of the day

The LOL

So you and I were on the same thread and you contributed nothing and decided that you thought my comments were funny. Dude, you didn’t give any banter or anything. Just the odd LOL! And now you think that is the basis of a friendship? Please. I’m not a clown for your amusement. Give to receive.

The opportunistic sex perv

If a friend request comes off a thread about sex and I’ve said something like, yeah, anal isn’t the worst thing in the world or 3sums have their place in a healthy relationship and I don’t see anything from you but a friend request I’m going to assume you are disingenuous and after sex. Sadly I’ve been proven right time and time again. Damn me and my liberal sex spouting lips.

The Banterer

You were funny I was mildly amusing. It wasn’t really more than us agreeing on a random topic. This is not the basis of a relationship and neither of us are funny off the thread. I beg please don’t embarrass yourself with the Friend Request. The last one was “So would you date this chubby white guy who thinks Nicky Minaj is just too fake? NO!

The vague school friend

You get the request and you think…the name rings a vague bell. You look at those photos and they are all of her slightly gassy looking kid and still the penny doesn’t drop. But alas school reunions are things that happen and you have 23 mutual friends so clearly you know her right? WRONG !

She joined the school after you left and just collects friends. Don’t accept unless you remember her maiden name. There’s just that awkward conversation you have about how neither of you know the other one but you know everyone else and how great they all are. Er, yeah.

And finally …..

The friend request comeback

So you used to be friends on Facebook and to be honest you don’t even notice that you aren’t friends any more. Then you meet in the real world and she can’t make eye contact. You’re chatting away a storm asking her for an update and not getting much back. Hormones?

Then you go home and she Friend Requests you. When did we stop being friends? Did we have beef? Was it one big dick joke too many for her? Whatever it is this chick found a reason to get rid of you. Now I’m a culler, don’t get me wrong but in my culling enthusiasm sometimes I meet those that I’ve culled. And I tell them exactly why they were culled. You never updated, changed your pictures, posted a joke, commented and I didn’t know you existed. I also cull because you may have really bad taste in friends or keep inviting me to events in Ilford or Catford or Deptford. Also if you post photos of trainers or asking me to vote for you to basically be popular. There are just some things that I don’t do.

So there you have it. But know that this is not for you my precious (or FuHu). If you friend request me I’ll always say yes. Unless you fall into any of the categories above.  Then you’re culled. Night!

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups