So I’ve looked at those that are still looking for love in all the wong paces, nooking for nub (Eddie Murphy SNL reference – apologies) But what about those that truly are ok as singletinis and just want to have kids? It’s not a popular decision but there comes a time when it’s what you want. Yes my precious there comes a time when the fairytale prince isn’t the biggest goal in your life. You never hear about the sprogs of Cinderella or Snow White being a single mother ( I had my doubts about the 7 dwarfs but I digress. Blame it on porn) because apparently it’s just not sexy to want to have children outside of a relationship. But sometimes, that’s what the heart wants. So what can you do?

1)      Sperm donor

I’ve been there before. I went to the Baby Daddy clinic and sat in a room full of women nervously giggling as they were told how hard it would be for them to conceive on their own but with their help and up to £15K they could be mothers too. Now the lesbians were fine as most of them were in couples and knew that they couldn’t do it without the clinic and there were those who looked defeated. This wasn’t their first rodeo. They looked exhausted but, there were a group of us that looked defiant. How dare we be told that we couldn’t have it all? That’s not what Cosmopolitan has been telling me since the 90s. I rebuke thee sperm donor clinic I immediately rushed out and called my emergency fuck buddy to get practising. There’s nothing like a glimpse into a bleak future to get you fucking.

That was 5 years ago. I may have to go back and tell them sorry, I made a mistake and do need them after all because dating disasters are all the rage. I wonder if they’ll still give me 2010 prices?

Of course there was a problem with a low amount of black sperm and you could bring your own but, that just sounded like a tube journey from hell so it was back to looking on the website. One Jamaican and an East African who was unusually tall….this wasn’t my life, surely?

I still check in once in a while but I maintain that doing it on your own through choice is bloody hard and I don’t think I can get a buggy down my stairs without help so, maybe not for me. I’m just not brave enough.

Quick shout out to all the male friends who have offered sperm by the way. I question your altruism but hey, it’s nice to know that there are still selfless men out there. Willing to give and give until it takes. That’s amore!

2)      Co parent

The co-parenting option is tricky as you are going to have to deal with this person forever As more children are living with their parents for longer and longer the chances are your responsibility to each other won’t end at 108 anymore. No, this my precious is a legal agreement for life. And yes, I would get it drawn up because at the end of the day he’s all fine with paying half the school fees until little miss new boobs comes along and wants a new house in Putney. You can’t assume that your or his situation will stay the same

The gay friend is an option as well as the broke friend with you taking full financial responsibility. But know that people’s priorities change and your bundle of joy may become less or more important to them depending on their life situation. I just think I may hate my choice’s future partner and I don’t have the energy to deal with 2 people ganging up on me.

Would I advertise my plans for a sperm donor or co parenting? Probably not. When I’ve discussed it with friends, family and frenemies their response has pretty much been the same. Don’t do it. Wait, he’s coming. I’ve told them that I think my FuHu was involved in an accident on the A46 ( a minor one with no physical scarring whatsoever) and has amnesia. He is lost to me and we are never meant to be. But should that deny me the joys of terrorising young people that look like me into French and Ballet and Piano lessons? I think not!

We shall see my precious. Whichever extreme dating option you chose, do it with aplomb and own it.

© Chelsea Black 2014

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups