A-Sexy: D is for Drinking dates

Hello there apologies for the delays in posting but it has been my birthday week and with that came copious amounts of alcohol and some unpleasant flashbacks to dates gone by. So I got to asking myself…how many drinks is enough on a date? You want to be tipsy enough not to be nervous but not so drunk that the popo stop the car and ask if you’ve been drugged and abducted (true story, my poor friend driving me was a lawyer so was able to talk his way out of this situation whilst I mumbled incoherently on the seat)

So with that in mind I’ve devised a drinking date chart. Yes the need to monitor how many drinks one has is born from a history of having to text people the next day saying “what happened last night?” Or piecing it together from Facebook photos. So…my drink chart:

1 – I got here early and I need something to calm the nerves a wee bit

2 – I got here early and you are more than 20 minutes late but now I can’t leave as I just spent £15.00 on a cocktail that tastes like alcohol. I thought the point was that it tasted of fruit. This is how bored I am. I’m talking to myself

3- You’ve arrived and I’m pretending that this is my first drink. I can do this as you are now 45 minutes late but my friends convinced me that yes, after checks there are indeed delays on 2 tube lines rendering your excuse credible despite the fact that you drive. 3 total. Ok, I’m done

4 and 5- Oh go on then, it would be rude not to accept another one. Let’s hope he’s paying mind you. £15! Oh go on then I’ll have two. Something tells me (the way you gulp at the prices) that dinner here is no longer an option. I think to order some sweet potato wedges but get distracted by the cocktails.

6- I’m starting to talk a little more and laugh at all of your jokes even though they really aren’t that funny. This is the point where you should go in for a snog and a “fancy coming back to mine” but you are so busy impressing me with some lame work story which highlights some unresolved issues with your boss that I pretend to find funny. So you miss your cue and I miss the bar when I try to put my glass down. Oopsie!

7 – Lucky number 7. Ok I’ve given up trying to be subtle. I’ve just snogged you and suggested you come back to mine. This is the point where I point out that the place is a mess and that I don’t have anything for you to have for breakfast which is code for can you get a cab home please and not sleep over? You assume this means that the place isn’t a mess. Oh wait!

8 – this is the last rounds one I get in before they chuck us out. By this time I’m slurring a little but in a sexy lisp way (or so I think) and chatting to strangers whilst groping you. You pretend to be ok with it all the time wondering if I’ll pass out before we get home. Is this just my way of getting you to pay for the cab?

9 – We get back to mine and I think it’s a really good idea to drink some more. You seem unsure but I convince you that this is the best idea ever. I’ve now forgotten about the mess until I spot some laundry in the kitchen. Why can’t I be cleaner. Now where is that bottle opener? Wait, why am I in the kitchen again?

10– Seriously there was a 10th?

11 – I honestly can’t remember. This is the one you tell me about in the morning as you get dressed quickly, mumble something about calling me later and disappear.

12- I’m so hungover. Ah well I spy a half drunk glass. Waste not want not.

This isn’t one date but a number of similar dates I’ve had over the years. What can I say I’m a slow learner. So the key is this my precious: when on a date stick to a 3 total rule. One before he gets there and 2 on the date. Then stop. Please!

But if he walks in and you realise he’s just a shag then as you were. No point in being too sober is there on a Friday night.  Sex may only be more disappointing.

Happy drink dating!

© Chelsea Black

 

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups