Now, I am many things but, a fan of dick pics I am not. Worse is the unsolicited dick pic. We may be friends on facebook because we have 25 mutual friends in common but that doesn’t mean I want to see your little friend or your saggy balls.

Calm interrupted

Sunday night I’d taken a bath, lathered myself up in chocolate shea butter, donned my fluffy robe (I need a new one) and prepared myself for a night of Netflix and Judge Judy. Don’t. I find her very soothing.

My phone pings and absent mindedly I reach for it whilst laughing at some idiot who claims his car insurance lapsed 2 days before the accident. Looking at my phone and, despite the poor lighting and angle choice, I am greeted by a photo of saggy balls and a desperate, eager to please looking penis in my messenger.

Underneath the fuckwit had written , ‘Can I ask your opinion?’

Now, I am many things but, a fan of dick pics I am not. Worse is the unsolicited dick pic. We may be friends on facebook because we have 25 mutual friends in common but that doesn’t mean I want to see your little friend or your saggy balls.

I haven’t had a dick pic for so long that I’d forgotten how emotionally jarring they are. They are aggressive and never sexy looking. Why do men have this desperate need to share them with female strangers? It reminds me of the time I was flashed on a train travelling into London Bridge (read here). The initial reaction is paralysis, embarrassment and then self-questioning. Why me? What about my face and, as my face isn’t on Facebook, my avatar suggests I want to see your piss pipe? The aggression is so blatant and yet we are meant to see this as a harmless, non violent, starter message? Nah

WHY!!!!!!

The initial reaction is paralysis, embarrassment and then self-questioning. Why me? What about my face or, as my face isn’t on facebook, my avatar suggests I want to see you piss pipe? The aggression is so blatant and yet we are meant to see this as a harmless, non violent, hello?

I hate ‘Hi, WYD?’ messages but in this day and age I’d take it over a dick pic.

In my experience I don’t expect there to be much sympathy for women who talk about dating and sex online but I know that this happens to nearly all women so it’s not targeted. Even if it was, nobody has asked for this. Women are rarely turned on by a photo of a penis. It’s not the same as a tittie selfie so stop pushing it on us in the vain hopes that dick pics will take off. They really won’t.

Forever helpful I then thought about ways a dick pic can be improved from hiring in a stand in to investing in lighting and a wax. His peppercorns covering his pelvic bone and balls just weren’t’ inviting, Guys, a Back Sack and Crack isn’t just for the metrosexuals. But again, I’m not here to help those who sexually assault women even if it’s deemed a nonviolent crime because it’s online. It’s forcing your sex onto others because that’s what you want. It’s a dicktatorship I want no part of. Please, just stop and get a new hobby of harassment.


What to do

I immediately blocked him but, now every time I get a bloody message, I have to hold the screen far away in case it’s someone’s meat and potatoes. Why!! So, thanks to Marlon in Miami Florida for reminding me of everything that’s wrong with social media, poor personal grooming and inadequate lighting.

But, if you do fancy fighting back, I have some suggestions:

  • Post it on his timeline and ask why he sent you a dick pic. You may face some FB jail time but, it’s worth it.
  • Send it to all the family in his friend list or if he’s got his job details on there then, share the love with HR and ask them to help him as, clearly he’s struggling.
  • Block and move on. He craves the attention and doesn’t deserve it .

Best of luck my sisters and, don’t let these dicktators ruin your day!

© Chelsea Black 2019

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups