stripDear FuHu, I know what you’re doing with the hints and suggestions. Maybe you loved Showgirls or that terrible movie with Demi Moore or that other one with Carmen Electra. Or, like Apollo in Real Housewives of Atlanta your second home is  the strip club. I know what you want but, it’s not going to happen. Yes, I naked lounge dance but that’s not sexy. That’s a celebration of emotion. Please, let’s not confuse them.

I was thinking about you yesterday as I came home late from a boring meeting. I don’t know if it was the sun shiny day or that exhilarated madness one feels just before they slump into fatigue but, suddenly I imagined stripping for you. I wanted to please you because I know you would like that. I was listening to something sexy on the ipod. I think it was noughties Christina Aguilera. Yeah, I know you secretly like her even if you pretend otherwise. So the moment was right. I was going to do this!

I was wearing a summer dress and ballet slippers. I figured that I’d keep the earrings and wig on as unpinning it would just waste time and there was less than 2 minutes of the song left. Besides, I wasn’t getting ready to fight you. This was a seduction.

All seemed to be going well. I was dancing and maintaining eye contact. Yes, I was practising in the mirror. I did the skirt lift up as I knew that the dress was never going to slide down the Charlize Theron way. I thought I was prepared. I stroked my thighs like the girls in the videos and lifted the skirt to my waist, keeping to the rhythm. Well, barely. I was lipsyncing and trying to look sexy all at the same time. I know that they say women can multitask but this, this was dancing, singing, undressing and trying to look sexy (not sick) all at once. Challenging doesn’t begin to describe it. I did a shimmy move to get the shoes off then nearly tripped over them a beat later. You know I’m clumsy. It’s a left footed thing.

Then, and I didn’t see this coming, the dress got stuck. It wouldn’t lift upwards. Someone had forgotten to loosen the string belt that gives waistless people a waist.  I stopped to undo the strings a little, caught the beat back and resumed sexy. Then it wouldn’t slide over my boobs. How the fuck do strippers do this for a living? I stood there for 15 seconds trying to disentangle myself from the dress, the ipod and the unsexiest pose ever whilst trying not to lose the beat. By the time I had done the song was over and the moment had passed. The strip tease was just a headache. I even missed the key change moment where I’d planned to give you a twirl and over the shoulder come to bed look. But my neck is sore.

And this is why I don’t’ strip. Please understand that I’m just not built for it. But, I’m happy for you to have a go. *goes off to find Joe Cocker CD* there you go. Leave your hat on but make sure you take off the socks, yeah?

Love,

Your FuWi

P.S. I think you should cancel the stripper pole. I saw it in your browser history.  We’re not ready for that sort of commitment to sexy.

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups